Page 1244 - Those Who Cannot Do

9th Jul 2019, 6:00 AM in School Raze
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Those Who Cannot Do
Average Rating: 5 (1 votes)
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Newbiespud 9th Jul 2019, 6:00 AM edit delete
Always remember, just because you have class levels doesn't mean you can't be utterly useless.

Hopefully, I'm keeping this streak rolling with another early Spudventure release! We're continuing to solve mysteries IN SPAAACE!
Murder In Jumpspace, Session 2: Podcast | Video

Notice: Guest comic submissions are open! Guidelines here. Deadline: January 27th, 2023.



ANW 9th Jul 2019, 6:11 AM edit delete reply
Story time

They are big
They are strong
They are *ooof*
"Too heavy for me to pick uppppp
I got it, I got it."
They are the Big Bad Weapons.
Let's get some stories about these powerfulllll
"I'm okay. That's the last time I try using a battlehammer"
Pablo360 9th Jul 2019, 6:43 AM edit delete reply
I haven't had a chance to play with it (and probably won't for a long time) but I came up with a weapon for one of the “potential antagonist” NPCs in my Pokémon campaign that's basically the Megaton Hammer from Ocarina of Time. You need to make a Strength check ever time you swing it.

(How is it Pokémon, you ask? Uh… uh… it casts Earthquake. So there.)
Jennifer 9th Jul 2019, 10:38 AM edit delete reply
I've always liked the Thunder Hammer in the 3rd Edition 40K Daemonhunters codex, because it could be given to an ordinary human stormtrooper sergeant. This is a weapon intended to be carried by a superhuman space marine in heavy terminator armor.

The meme was that for every attack, the user would also take a hit, as he was blown back by the force of the blow he was delivering.
hankroyd 10th Jul 2019, 1:26 PM edit delete reply
In one story, the PC fought someone that had an Elephant Gun ...


It was a magic gun ... that shoot Elephants, litterally ...
Bed Head 9th Jul 2019, 2:47 PM edit delete reply
In the 5e Adventure Path "Tyranny of Dragons" we found the magical bastard sword Hazziron. It was intelligent, Neutral Evil, and could talk.

It also did bonus necrotic damage on each hit, which means our team paladin fell in love with the damn thing. Despite the fact that it was constantly talking (and occasionally singing) about its favorite subject: MURDER!

I'll never forget the moment when we went up against a group of wraiths. Hazziron was panicking because its bonus necrotic damage was worthless against the undead. Then the paladin starting unleashing divine smites left right and center and mowing down wraiths like nothing else.

To quote our favorite yappy murder stick: "I don't believe it! We've done it! WE'VE MURDERED THE UNMURDERABLE!"

This was followed by several minutes of laughing. Maniacally in character for Hazziron, out of character for the rest of the table.
Anvildude 9th Jul 2019, 4:37 PM edit delete reply
It's like the inverse of the Ogre and Good Sword story- this time, it's the Paladin redeeming the Evil Blade!
Thor 10th Jul 2019, 7:13 AM edit delete reply
We all need to take a lesson from the sword, find your Joy in life and commit to it. :p
Kedamono 10th Jul 2019, 7:56 AM edit delete reply
In a game of Octane, my Luchadore character, El Fenix Tijuana, wielded one of these against a demon Luchadore:

All that cold iron...
Ether Space 17th Jul 2019, 5:20 AM edit delete reply
Big weapons, huh?
Well, one of the players in my group weaponized a 10ft mahogany table.
*That* involved more than one super high roll before the DM threw his hands in the air and declared the thing a personalized weapon with its own attack stats other than random blunt instrument.
Digo 9th Jul 2019, 8:09 AM edit delete reply
"[j]ust because you have class levels doesn't mean you can't be utterly useless."

The usual result of martial classes in D&D 3.5 after a few levels competing with spellcasters. >.>

As for wielding giant weapons, the largest one I've had the pleasure of using was a 1986 four-door Buick Skyhawk in a soft baby blue paint job (I was playing a dragon fighting off an ogre). The Skyhawk makes for an excellent thrusting weapon, though hard to call a headshot due to the engine weight.
Story Time #2 9th Jul 2019, 12:50 PM edit delete reply
Story time #2... When you rescue the bad guy to fight the even more bad guy only to discover that the first bad guy #1 is useless and can't help to fight against #2
Guest 10th Jul 2019, 2:59 AM edit delete reply
I wouldn't say "rescue" exactly, but in one of the Ironclaw pregen adventures, there's a main and support arc, and the support arc villian is supposed to get away to cause problems another day. The main arc has a geased... I guess "puzzle boss" is a good word, that they were having trouble finding a loophole for.

Well, one character has the bright idea of tracking down the support arc villian and telling them what the puzzle boss was guarding. Apparently I sold the interaction perfectly- the villian thinks he can beat the puzzle boss, without your help... And also, this could be a really, REALLY bad idea that's already in motion.
So instead they gathered a few allies and showed up to HELP the puzzle boss, in hopes that a reward for assistance might bypass the head.
Blake Black 10th Jul 2019, 6:02 AM edit delete reply
Blake Black
This actually reminds me of my last RP session. Most of the party was down or had cowardly run away and I was the only one still standing against a single enemy. Problem, it was immaterial so I needed magic to harm it, and I was a Barbarian who had forgotten to get his stuff enchanted when he upgraded last. I was getting desperate when I noticed my boots had plus one to my attack.
Me: Hey, my boots are magical, can I do damage if I kick him in the junk?
DM: Hmmmmm. Well, I don't think it has junk seeing that it's both immaterial and female, but I'll allow it.
One Rage powered power attack critical hit kick to the junk later the monster was splattered on the ceiling and I was desperately working on slapping the heal back to their senses. I did however loose the right boot due to the force of the kick.
GrayGriffin 10th Jul 2019, 10:14 PM edit delete reply
Let me tell you, getting smashed in the junk hurts just as much no matter what kind of junk it is. The "immaterial" part is an obstacle, though, I'll give you that.
Blake Black 11th Jul 2019, 5:10 AM edit delete reply
Blake Black
The bad news was when the paladin, who got inspired by my Junk Smash Power Attack, tried it. Unfortunately he tried it on a construct who then knocked him through two floors. After the encounter we sat down and wrote up some rules for Junk Smash attacks.
1: Target must be your size, smaller than you, or one size larger for it to be effective.
2: Target must NOT be a construct or if a construct must be Necrotic in nature. (Zombies, Lich, and stuff like that.)
3: A failed Junk Smash will provoke a counter Junk Smash
4: Being hit by a Junk Smash target must make a Fort Save or be nauseated and stunned for 1d8 turns.