Page 158 - Line Please

7th Aug 2012, 6:00 AM in Dragonshy
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Line Please
Average Rating: 5 (5 votes)
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Author Notes:

Newbiespud 7th Aug 2012, 6:00 AM edit delete
As a player, there is literally nothing worse. Having a great plan, stepping up to the plate... and whizzing it right down your leg.

Notice: Guest comic submissions are open! Guidelines here. Deadline: January 27th, 2023.



Cain 7th Aug 2012, 6:00 AM edit delete reply
never had that problem. No plans. Oh and in the comic, she says "soid" instead of "solid"
Digo 7th Aug 2012, 7:41 AM edit delete reply
I suppose never having a plan does prevent this problem from occuring. Probably why my group tends to make things up as they go.
Newbiespud 7th Aug 2012, 8:09 AM edit delete reply
Oooh, a spelling error!

Yinan 7th Aug 2012, 9:24 AM edit delete reply
Yeah, our Group tend to have no plan as well... it's pretty rare that we have a plan and most times they don't work because something completely unexpected happens that makes our plan invalid -.-
I hate those Moments ^^
Digo 7th Aug 2012, 10:29 AM edit delete reply
My group just doesn't like to think. :)
They were defeated by a puzzle that only required one to "Make a knock-knock joke" to solve.
Kris_The_Guest 7th Aug 2012, 6:14 AM edit delete reply
Meep. Calm down Twilight Sparkle!
Kaleopolitus 7th Aug 2012, 6:26 AM edit delete reply
This calls for on-the-spot-bullshit-stories stories by the commenters. (Because people failing to do their speeches doesnt seem as potentially funny, correct me if I'm wrong)
Demonu 7th Aug 2012, 7:07 AM edit delete reply
Bullshitting your way through an encounter? I believe we would be drowning in stories for that.
Dr Klaus 7th Aug 2012, 7:58 AM edit delete reply
Like the wizard, from a hiding spot, casting Ghost Sound and saying "THIS IS GOD" -- and subsequently rolling a 20. Thus having the Orc Chieftain slaughter all of his allies, believing he would be granted one wish.
Cain 7th Aug 2012, 9:33 AM edit delete reply
closest I have is Ranubis trying to use diplomacy on the were rats, and then the rest of the party decides to attack. So he's hitting the rats with the side of his hammer going "I'm sorry we couldn't be peaceful."
Ranubis 7th Aug 2012, 9:50 AM edit delete reply
I'm looking forward for the next campaign. Depending on whether or not most of the people from last year come back, we may get to run some newbies through the same campaign and get some more stories now we've got experience.
Cain 7th Aug 2012, 6:09 PM edit delete reply
hell yes, we will run them through it and you get to be the crazy one this time. heck, you DM, I'll be the nut job.
Anvildude 8th Aug 2012, 9:43 AM edit delete reply
I did that once- but instead of the natural 20 on Bluff, I 'convinced' the Orcs with judicious use of magical pistol critical hit headshots.
Jarimor 9th Aug 2012, 4:20 AM edit delete reply
Jarimor 9th Aug 2012, 4:24 AM edit delete reply
and since then i havent been allowed to be the face (for obvious reasaons).

and since the entire echange was at about the level you would expect volume wise, everyone though i woke up the lady of the house we were playing in. then we realized what was said. my group survives, i level, and my minion/manservant (another pc) was awarded extra fate points PERTINENTLY for surviving his stupid noble boss.
waffle911 6th Sep 2012, 1:39 AM Smarty Pants edit delete reply
I got one. Was hanging out at a friend's place when they were having their game night, but I didn't really feel like playing so I just sat in and watched.

The party was leaving a dungeon when they realized there were two high-ranking mooks belonging to the Big Bad waiting for them at the entrance, with orders to attack the adventuring party if they showed up. They were in no condition to fight the mooks and didn't have any means to either defeat or get past them.

Except the bard. He was just a little bit mental, you see. Mental with a side of a broken bonus to his bluff check. AND he managed to roll 3 natural 20's in a row during his little performance. So what happened went a little something like this.

Mook 1: Halt! We were given orders not to let anything leave this place alive!
(The mooks all wear a standard uniform, which the PC's are not wearing)
Bard: Oh hey guys. The [PC party] is still down there. We were just here on orders from [Big Bad] to retrieve something for him.
[Bluff: natural 20, semi-successful only because it's so unbelievable and the mook isn't a complete idiot]

Mook 2: Very well then, as you were.

Mook 1: Wait! If you work for [Big Bad], why aren't you in uniform!?

Bard: What are you talking about? Of course we're all in uniform, same uniform you're waring and everything!
[Natural 20, no illusion spells or anything]

Mook 1: Oh. So you are.
Mook 2: What did [Big Bad] have you retrieving? All we know of that's in here is [MacGuffin], which is supposed to stay where it is for [Big Bad's] plans to come to fruition.

[The PC party has indeed obtained the MacGuffin and had planned on waltzing right on out with it]

Bard: Pants.

Mook 1: What?

Bard: [Big Bad] sent us to retrieve a pair of pants.

Mook 2: What sort of pants would be so special or important that he'd have them hidden away in here?

Bard: They're special pants that grant the wearer +14 Wisdom. They're Magical Smarty Pants.
[Natural 20. The bluff succeeds. The party walks out with the very hard-to-conceal MacGuffin in broad daylight right in front of two not-so-dumb mooks who were so overwhelmed by the bluff that they really couldn't see it in front of them.]

Soda spurted from nostrils. The DM did a spit-take. Nobody in the room could stop laughing for the next 40 minutes. They had to call it a night because nothing could possibly top the sheer levels of OMGWTFBBQSauce after that.
Matticus 7th Aug 2012, 12:53 PM edit delete reply
Back in high school in the first session of my first "real" tabletop game, Star Wars revised D20. I'd decided my character would be a pilot. Our crime boss contact inquires about my skills.

Me: My last run was a quick hop from Tatooine to Dantooine. (Not at all true)
Him: A "Quick hop?". Dantooine is on the other side of the galaxy. That must have been some ship!
Me: ...It was a rental.
MirrorImage 7th Aug 2012, 7:44 PM edit delete reply
Dude! Not cool. You almost made me spit out my cheesecake from laughing with that!
Anvildude 8th Aug 2012, 9:45 AM edit delete reply
"I made the Kessel run in less than 12 Parsecs"

"... A parsec is a unit of distance, and the Kessel run is 14 Parsecs long..."

Dr Klaus 10th Aug 2012, 1:10 PM edit delete reply
I used wormhole technology, thus shortening the distance by a factor of 1/7th.
Guest 6th Sep 2012, 1:43 AM edit delete reply
"Not if you cut really, really close to the black holes, it isn't. Close being 'Using the black holes' gravity wells as slingshots to redirect and catapult the ship in the proper direction,' rather than having to go around them completely."
Lyntermas 7th Aug 2012, 6:34 AM edit delete reply
Alright, boys and girls, it's time to play "What will Twilight Say?"

A. Please be courteous and stop smoking.
B. The entire Equestrian army is outside. Surrender now or perish.
C. Please don't eat us. Griffons taste better.
Classic Steve 7th Aug 2012, 7:16 AM edit delete reply
"I come from under the hill, and under the hills and over the hills my paths led. And through the air. I am he that walks unseen. I am the clue-finder, the web-cutter, the stinging fly. I was chosen for the lucky number. I am he that buries his friends alive and drowns them and draws them alive again from the water. I came from the end of bag, but no bag went over me. I am the friend of bears and the guest of eagles. I am Ring-winner and Luckwearer; and I am Barrel-rider."
Not Me 7th Aug 2012, 7:58 PM edit delete reply
Or better yet:

"Hi, my name is Bard and this is my lucky black arrow. Would you like to meet my lucky arrow?"
Digo 7th Aug 2012, 8:44 AM edit delete reply
"I'm selling these fine leather jackets."
ParaspriteHugger 7th Aug 2012, 8:54 AM edit delete reply
Look behind you, a giant three-headed monkey!
Other Guest 7th Aug 2012, 8:52 AM edit delete reply
"Have you ever considered the advantages of owning a really fine set of encyclopedias?"
Raxon 7th Aug 2012, 9:13 AM edit delete reply
"Have you ever found yourself lacking in inflatable sheep? How about chairs made of semtex? Come to W2 bargains, we have all your needs covered! You need a swimming pool filled with pancakes? We have that! Remember, nothing is too ridiculous!"
Appkes 8th Aug 2012, 10:02 AM edit delete reply
Raxon wins.
Zarhon 7th Aug 2012, 9:32 AM edit delete reply
"Rubber ducky, you're the one, you make bath-time loads of fun!"

"I really like your... scales?"

"When I was five. I. um... I. um. I had a friend and. um. I. um.
(Bonus points for guessing the reference)

"Hello loyal subject! My name is princess Twilight Acornus Sparkle, although you may know me by my Gaia name, Celestia Two!"
Bronymous 7th Aug 2012, 10:24 AM edit delete reply
"Umm...I'll give you all of my friends if you don't eat me. I mean leave! Leave and don't eat me! Eat them! Please!"
Zuche 7th Aug 2012, 12:01 PM edit delete reply
"Would you believe, even as we speak, Princess Celestia and her entire royal guard are waiting outside to escort you from this realm?"


"Would you believe Princess Luna and the Wonderbolts?"


"Would you believe my old foalsitter and my big brother?"
kriss1989 7th Aug 2012, 12:38 PM edit delete reply
"Would you believe a group of drunk guys who I tricked into thinking this was a panty raid on an off campus sorority."


"Damn it!"
Ranubis 7th Aug 2012, 1:50 PM edit delete reply
"Would you believe the fastest aerial ace in all of Equestria, the strongest Earth pony I know, the Tyrant of the Underdark, a pony not bound by our Euclidean geometry, and as backup a pegasus who crushes raging bears in seconds and who treads the woods of the Everfree Forest as it's master?"
CharginChuck 7th Aug 2012, 3:25 PM edit delete reply
Twilight: "Good evening. As a duly-designated representative of the City, County and State of Ponyville, I order you to cease any and all somnatic activity and return forthwith to your place of origin, or to the next convenient parallel dimension."

Dash: "That oughtta do it. Thanks very much, Twi".
Colin 7th Aug 2012, 6:48 PM edit delete reply
It's even more wonderful reading it in their voices.
ThousandYearSunrise 7th Aug 2012, 9:54 PM edit delete reply
"Attention passengers. Celestia has turned on the no-smoking sign. There is a designated smoking area several miles away from here."
The Guest 8th Aug 2012, 6:23 AM edit delete reply
"I, uh... I'm looking for a restroom?"
Guest 7th Aug 2012, 7:24 AM Darth Xentus edit delete reply
My story isn't so much forgetting the speech as it is simply the wrong one to use.
Some back-story for context: My character's father was a conquering Warlord bent on taking over the world in hopes of finding someone who can give him a glorious death. The party was at the point where we're pretending to help him, but really trying to stop him. After a one-on-one battle, my character's father is defeated. By right, I take up his super special awesome sword as my own. Now, I want to end the conquest while the general wants to continue. So, my roommate's character, dressed up in some ancient armor, gives a speech.
He has high charisma and high persuasion skill, so he can get anyone to do anything pretty much. So he goes on about he's some ancient elven hero who guards the lands they're in and demands they turn back and recognize my right as king. Unfortunately, none of the people he was talking to knew a lick of elvish lore. So now we have to fight the general and the detachment of the army that was brought with us.

We managed to win that fight and end the campaign.
Other Guest 7th Aug 2012, 7:26 AM edit delete reply
Twilight: "I... uh... four score and seven years ago?"

Rarity: "We're doomed."
Zarhon 7th Aug 2012, 7:33 AM edit delete reply
I find it hard to believe that a meticulous player such as Twilight wouldn't have written down her speech in some form. Especially if she had hours (One of which was spent wasting time) to prepare.
Guest 7th Aug 2012, 7:37 AM edit delete reply
Ooooh I wanna see some bs stories for sure.

*awaits in anticipation*
Disloyal Subject 14th Nov 2013, 1:51 PM Bluffs and Roleplaying edit delete reply
So, it's the first campaign I've ever played, and it's a grossly high-powered gestalt (dual-classed). After we all met in jail, for various reasons (damned cops were Chaotic enough that they didn't worry about piddling things like 'evidence') we get sent to investigate a rumored tower keep that people keep disappearing around - Nightfang Spire or somesuch. Stopping at an inn, we decide to investigate... the half-elf Monk/Cleric takes a nap in the stables, the tiefling Ranger/Assassin and her pet elephant keep an eye on her, and my human Knight/Red Dragon Bloodline cohort stands guard at the tavern window while the catgirl Barbarian/Conduit of Fire and I, a githyanki Fighter/Ultimate Magus (and, I just realized, the only evil or male one besides my cohort) head inside to use our superior charisma to gather intel.
So after she makes up for bombing a few Gather Information checks by buying all the thugs laughing at her a round of cheap ale and trying again with more success, we find out what I've been doing the whole time... I sidle up to the bar, casually blending in, and order a drink so I don't blow my cover while I eavesdrop. I single out a greasy-looking criminal the DM obviously wants me to deal with somehow, but I can't make out much of what he's saying over the barbarian's drinking song, so I throw caution to the winds and walk right up to him, and roll a 17 on my bluff check to tell him I want to discuss a business proposition in the stables. I also beautifully roleplay it, managing to be the suave, sophisticated snake-bastard of a mage I wanted to be. And then the DM reminds me to apply modifiers (which are just depressingly high; I'd rolled a damned good character even before she decided everyone got 8 free points to distribute among our attributes, so my INT, CHA, and CON were all 20 or higher) and it turned from a 17 into a 20-something for a pretty believable bluff. We go outside, and I manage to signal my cohort to tail us to the stables... when we get there, the tiefling is lounging on a haystack like it's a throne, and I make a big deal of calling her 'Boss' and saying I've got "the guys she asked for" for "the job." After we blunder our way through roleplaying talking to him, I lose patience and try to deck him in the face, reasoning I'll get the drop on him. The bastard dodges a pretty high attack roll, pulls a knife, and shivs me with Sneak Attack damage.
3 rounds later, my cohort's holding off this guy's 3 henchthugs at the door with a spiked chain, but they keep throwing knives in past him - at me, of course - while the ranger, cleric, and I have the main rogue surrounded - but can't seem to land a blow, so he keeps stabbing me and somehow getting sneak attacks (or maybe it was poison?). The monk (who just woke up, in and out of character) tries using Hold Person, but he rocks the will save. The ranger manages to hit him with her offhand strikes, but not her magical +1d6 shock longsword. And I just keep missing and getting thrashed until I resort to magic.
Lesson learned: combat is a last resort, and never start a fight without fixing it ahead of time. Don't assume it'll be an unfair fight just because you think you have the initiative. And don't let the barbarian have booze.
Gagestah 9th Apr 2014, 8:13 PM edit delete reply
O.k, which one to choose?
Got it. I talked about this particular setting before (although technically it's on a later page) in which I worked out a plan to have people infiltrate a human supremacy group called the Iron Circle while the rest of the party would be waiting as backup or to burn a nearby bridge(so that reenforcements couldn't come). We have three sneakers in our group: two hobbits and a combat wizard(had an actual species but I forget it now) who could pass as human. One of our hobbits rolls a 6 or 7 on her roll and the humans see her.

She covers by asking "Hi, we're selling hobbit scout cookies, would you like to buy some?"

The stealth operation has totally failed, cause our other guy opted to step out into the light, but they totally make it work, burning down the racsist's place and killing all of them. It was really the only part of the plan that worked.
Digo 7th Aug 2012, 7:40 AM edit delete reply
The only thing worse than having a plan and wizzing it down your leg is having a plan, executing it perfectly, and the GM having no counter to your argument so he just throws a random dragon attack at you just to end the conversation.

Story in point--
I'm a social rogue who managed to forge an invite to a palace dinner hosted by the regent of this land. The party needed information to locate a princess kiddnapped by a slavery ring and at this party were the top three biggest names in the slavery business.

I managed to come up with a good bit of banter that got two rival slavers talking to each other so that I could squeeze information out of them as they were snarking at each other. I don't remember the wording, but I said something to the effect where Slaver A had to either mention the location of a hideout I wanted or he'd have to incriminate himself that he's been fixing business against Slaver B.
The GM doesn't believe in winning through non-combat skills so he had a young black dragon crash through the roof of the palace (three-story palace, we're on the first floor) and the slavers all run from the dragon while the palace guards come fight the dragon. My moment is totally ruined.
Even more so than the dress I spend 100gp on (and money isn't easy to come by in this campaign).

So now I always bring a dagger to every meal at the palace I'm invited to. :p
And I stopped playing that particular campaign.
Zeeth 7th Aug 2012, 9:41 AM edit delete reply
Doesn't believe in non-combat victories? Yeah, I'd have left that campaign, too.
Jellybean 7th Aug 2012, 8:42 AM edit delete reply
Man, I wish I could remember exactly how it went, but there was a time I was running an Exalted game and one of the players was called upon to throw down an inspiring speech to get a crotchety moot of Lunars to listen to them. He makes the roll but while he's doing it he just spot-extemporizes this glorious piece of nonsense which managed to SOUND inspiring in a 'Morgan Freeman folksy' sort of way despite the fact that it was literally a string of gibberish phrases. The only part I can remember to this day was this part around the end where he said "And until the day I looked down and I saw that baby in the oil slick, there but for the grace of god, I never knew."
Demonu 7th Aug 2012, 8:57 AM edit delete reply
Tried and true method: as long as you sound like Morgan Freeman, people will believe whatever you tell them.
Ranubis 7th Aug 2012, 9:47 AM edit delete reply
"If you be free men, then you must fight!"

Best Morgan Freeman speech ever.
Bronymous 7th Aug 2012, 9:52 AM edit delete reply
That last line. I'm pretty sure I say that movie. Was that Shawshank or March of the Penguins? lol.
Demonu 7th Aug 2012, 10:22 AM edit delete reply
Robin Hood: prince of thieves.

Probably would be a lot funnier if you merge that movie with March of the Penguins in your imagination.
Ranubis 7th Aug 2012, 11:55 AM edit delete reply
As Morgan Freeman commands, so it shall be done.

And Prince of Thieves is a veritable treasure chest of great lines. I have a hard time deciding between the above Morgan Freeman line and the ever excellent Alan Rickman's "Locksley, I'm going to cut your heart out with a spoon!".

Also, Suddenly Sean Connery.
Zuche 7th Aug 2012, 12:06 PM edit delete reply
March of the Penguins never gets funnier than the French advertisement for it, in which one person explains events from what was called "March of the Emperors" in French.

The look on all of those Napoleonic faces at the end was priceless.
Raxon 7th Aug 2012, 10:20 PM edit delete reply
Ah, Robin Hood: prince of thieves. That was a good movie. I preferred the Mel Brooks interpretation of it, but ya know, different strokes for old folks, and all that.

In addition, Boris Karloff makes a good diplomacy voice, too.
Ranubis 8th Aug 2012, 5:52 AM edit delete reply
Honestly, I saw the Mel Brooks version before, so I got to spend the entire movie going "Hey, they're making fun of that part of the original!" Quite entertaining. And Brooks did get to throw in a great Take That to the original not even having Robin speak in a British accent.
Chris 7th Aug 2012, 8:50 AM edit delete reply
> there is literally nothing worse

I disagree! There is one thing worse: having a great plan, executing it perfectly... and failing because of unconscionably terrible rolls. Even if you have an understanding DM who does some fudging to make sure things come out okay, it still feels awful; you shouldn't have <i>needed</i> any help, your plan was brilliant! But five natural ones in a row will turn a lot of brilliant bits of strategy into smoldering piles of detritus. <i>That's</i> the worst feeling in role-playing, for my money.
Demonu 7th Aug 2012, 8:59 AM edit delete reply
Think that's worse?

Try having a group of players (or at least one player) who (tries to) account for anything, including bad rolls. You have to get creative as a DM to counter-act that but they will have a counter to that and so forth and so on.
Yinan 7th Aug 2012, 9:35 AM edit delete reply
Well, that's what the Canatos Gambit ( is all about ^^

Kudos to the player who can actually do something like that ^^
Bronymous 7th Aug 2012, 9:53 AM edit delete reply
"Try having a group of players (or at least one player) who (tries to) account for anything, including bad rolls."

Hmm. I think I can imagine that. Seems so familiar for some reason...
Demonu 7th Aug 2012, 10:24 AM edit delete reply
You think I'm talking about BasGas?
How quaint. ^^
Bronymous 7th Aug 2012, 11:11 AM edit delete reply
You can't tell me that doesn't happen in BaSgAS. #Black Fire
Demonu 7th Aug 2012, 11:38 AM edit delete reply
Does he now?
I think he thinks he does but the fact that I prohibited rerolls pretty much put a hamper on that. Also the fact that you seem to argue a lot in the group and that I have been too lenient in my judgements of DC's and the like, I can say that coming sessions should be more interesting...

And you can't be prepared for everything all the time. For all you know, a king kong sized rainbow bear abomination might fall out of the sky, being controlled by be pissed off bear mascot pony.

Bronymous 7th Aug 2012, 8:00 PM edit delete reply
You say that like they wouldn't all just love that, regardless of what happens to them. I never actually jumped on the Rainbough Bare bandwagon, though. And I would probably just fly away.

Really fast.
Digo 7th Aug 2012, 10:32 AM edit delete reply
About the only thing my players take into account is if whatever their target is can bleed. :3
Zarhon 7th Aug 2012, 9:39 AM edit delete reply
Campaign update - Zilean's revenge

Check the previous page. Post replies here though.
Bronymous 7th Aug 2012, 9:48 AM edit delete reply
Aha, almost didn't see this.

Yes, if something was hiding as the darkness, darkvision probably wouldn't identify it. The camouflage... could be? If Darkvision is just being able to see things in the dark the same as if they were in the light, the all black in shadow could be the same as invisible in the light. Maybe. Your call. And remember, when you said "creative methods", it was me who suggested shadow powers. But I said nothing of teleporting away.

And I don't think Tiff ever declared an attack.

" there a tunnel to priest's... nevermind. You should know the longer I'm down here, the less concerned I am about containing that fire. Or the bombs. Let's Go!" He heads down the remaining hallway.

And pulls the torch, when he gets there. You should have them fail some perception rolls so they don't see him come in. That way he can be even more condescending when he just walks up and kills that thing.

Ima have fun with that part.
Lyntermas 7th Aug 2012, 9:51 AM edit delete reply
Rolf sighed. He knew he had seen something earlier, but whatever it was was gone now. He'd have to keep his eyes open as he continued.

However, he was partially relieved that they hadn't had to fight whatever it was right now. Casting so many spells in a row could be a bit tiring. He'd be fine in a minute, but he had to make sure not to overexert himself in the future.

"I think we're safe for the moment. Let's look for Lizzie and the cubs," he said to the cleric. He started to leave the room and head for the wooden arch. As he headed over, he pulled out the cloak and showed it to the cleric. "Since we have a moment, do you know what this cloak does? I found it in Brother Gregory's room and...well, I'm a bit hesitant to just try it on."
Zarhon 7th Aug 2012, 11:37 AM edit delete reply

Both Horizon and the paladin head on through the tunnel, reaching another dead end. Horizon pulls the torch.

(You're paused for the moment Horizon: Skitter & Tiff still have a few actions to do before you barge in.)


The cleric looks at it curiously.

"Looks like an ordinary cloak to me. You say it was in Gerald's (I assume you mean Gerald) room? I don't recall ever seeing him wearing anything like this."

Going through the arch, Rolf and the cleric pass directly above the great hall via a large, wide, makeshift scaffolding with no railings, moving to another wooden arch, into a room similar to the one you were just in. There is another ladder here, leading straight down, as well as another wooden staircase, leading to somewhere else. From what he can gather, the ladder leads to some stone balconies/terraces on the left side of the great hall, and the same probably applies to the previous room's ladder. One of Lizzie's cubs is here, chewing on a piece of meat as big as its head, ignoring your presence. A blood trail leads from the meat, to the adjoining room. It goes through a very large hole in the wall, roughly positioned where a door might have been (indeed, what appears to be remains of a door are lying next to it). There is something gargantuan and furry moving within.

The cleric holds his head in mild panic.

"Savior preserve us... She found where we keep her monthly food supplies. The High Priest is going to kill us!"
Lyntermas 7th Aug 2012, 11:59 AM edit delete reply
"My apologies for getting the name mixed up. And given the current circumstances, when the High Priest gets here, I think Lizzie will be the least of his worries."

He slowly approached the hole in the wall. As he did so, he was overcome by the sense of just how large this furry thing was. And Knife-Guy tried to SCARE her? How could Rolf convince her to stop eating all the food? It's not like he could impress a veteran mother who had faced the likes of...

Then a thought struck him. Well, mounts were known to be fairly intelligent. Hopefully, this would at least get Lizzie's attention. How they progressed from here was up for debate (well, up to Lizzie, anyway).

He stood some distance away from the hole, and made sure that his tone did not indicate alarm or menace, just simply a statement of fact.

"Lizzie....Zilean's back."

Rolf Does Something Stupid Part 1: Tell the Dire Lion that her Master's Murderer is Back and Expect Her to Be Calm About It.

edit: Skitter, try using the shadows to pull the critter off.
Kris_The_Guest 7th Aug 2012, 1:56 PM edit delete reply
"AAAAAAAHHHHH!" Tiffany screamed, starting to flail again. "I need water!"
Zarhon 7th Aug 2012, 1:58 PM edit delete reply
Kris_The_Guest 7th Aug 2012, 2:11 PM edit delete reply
Water to flush out her eyes.
Ramsus 7th Aug 2012, 3:01 PM edit delete reply
Um...Zarhon, I'd just like to say....that's bullshit. Moving is not a "distraction". Otherwise everyone would take penalties to attacks every time they move. That clearly doesn't happen. The shadow teleport is not a self distracting movement anymore than blinking is or walking and talking at the same time. You could make a case for it being distracting if he hadn't trained to fight like that but, he has. He didn't learn the trick yesterday or something.
Edit: Seriously, you don't get a penalty to attack for having done something that requires an acrobatics or athletics check and anything that could be would be WAY more distracting.

Stop hosing me just because you don't like the power.

As for secret exits, if you put one for a villain to use any normal rogue can find and access it too. The trick is not making it impossible to access to putting it somewhere a rogue or skitter or anyone else just wouldn't look for it. Every two bit thief is going to find the secret passage adjacent to the river revealed by the torch level sort of deal. Teleporting isn't the problem there, it's difficulty to find.

You actually didn't address whether or not Skitter has to take enemies with him. I've already ruled myself that he has the limit of not taking other living creatures with him since he's transforming himself into shadow or such. If you want to force enemies going with him, whatever. It won't make much sense but, I'm not going to have him be able to use it to move other people willingly either way.

You're just punishing me because my character has a feature that lets him easily escape grabs even though that was quite obviously the intent on the part of the designers. Yes, he could just take an escape action but, then he doesn't get to attack. There aren't too many "creative" solution to someone grappling you. You slip their grasp, push them off, harm them (though by 4th ed rules at least this typically results in you taking half the damage), or escape some other way.

Seriously stop trying to make Skitter just an ordinary rouge. He's filling the occupational space for one but, that doesn't mean he should be in all ways identical to one.

As for the poisons, I'm pretty sure we established that he showed up in town with basically nothing. How is he going to make poisons without a poisoners kit of some kind? Mash some herbs up in his bare hands?

Also, I'm not sure why you mentioned a creature made of shadows hiding in shadows when we were just talking about non-magical stuff. I highly doubt darkvision cares what color clothing people are wearing to establish if they can see them in the dark where color doesn't even exist because there is no light to be reflected off of anything. In complete darkness yellow is indistinguishable from black.

I'd declare Skitter doing something now but, since his last action's results don't make any sense, you might as well just declare him doing (and failing at for reasons of "because you say so, screw logic!") whatever you like.

It would be one thing if you were telling other people their class features don't work but, you're only doing it to me. About the same feature. Repeatedly. You've basically nerfed it four times in a row with no sign of stopping until I just don't have it at all or it's completely unusable.
Calypso 7th Aug 2012, 4:54 PM edit delete reply
Oh noes! Ramsus is going to ragequit before Tiffatter can flourish! I know Tiffatter must happen because the instant Skitter hears about what Tiffany said, I don't know if he'll return the feelings, but he'll at least troll her and pretend to!
Zarhon 7th Aug 2012, 5:07 PM edit delete reply
When did I mention "moving"? I explicitly said that the creature that's riding you is a distraction. The only way it couldn't be distracting would be if you didn't care to defend yourself, in which case the creature could easily gouge out your eyes or something.

As for creative methods: The thing is on your back. You are bigger and heavier than it is. You can pin it with your own weight.

Horizon, Tiffany, Skitter

nat 20 (H)
7 (T)
18 (S)

Horizon opens the wall, revealing a room with an open box containing cheese, a shelf of various ingredients, a trash pile in a corner and a circular hole in the wall. A half-broken cylinder that is leaking purple fluid is near the middle of the room, with said purple fluid covering a third of it and is about to reach a pair of dead, rotten rats on the floor. The whole room stinks like something died in there. There are also broken jars of what appears to be cinnamon on the floor. Tiffany is in the room, covered in said cinnamon, yelling for some water. Skitter is fumbling around the room with a ugly creature on its back, both of them shrieking bloody murder. You can hear something large, moving on the other side of the wall with the hole.


Diplomacy -> 5 + 8 = 13

As soon as you finish saying "Zilean", the creature stops moving. A few seconds later it turns around and expands the wooden hole, at which point you finally see exactly how big Lizzie is. She gives only a cursory glance at the cleric, but she looks (and sniffs) Rolf carefully, inches away from his face. She then moves her attention elsewhere, charging towards the arch, breaking a part of it off. She stops to sniff around a bit, before growling angrily and rushing towards the room you were in previously. The cub happily follows her, a piece of meat still being held in its mouth.
Ramsus 7th Aug 2012, 5:13 PM edit delete reply
(Ah, so you did make the decision that I can't teleport out of something's grasp despite that being the intention of the power. If you nerf this power one more time it's not actually going to do anything anymore.)

Right, Skitter teleports onto the ceiling and body slams it. (How's that for creative?)
Kris_The_Guest 7th Aug 2012, 5:15 PM edit delete reply
Oh boy. Lizzie now knows Horizon's scent.
Good news, Tiffany's getting her mount soon.
Bad news, Horizon might get mauled first.

Also, someone make a picture of that crazy scene!
Zarhon 7th Aug 2012, 5:38 PM edit delete reply
No Skitter, I just didn't have you do anything that "round". Stop making assumptions on things I didn't say.

I'm going to humor you this time with the teleport thing and have you do it without rolling, due to "rule of cool" (Even though you could achieve the same result from just "falling onto your back").


Skitter vanishes, a shadowy trail moving towards the roof, causing the creature to fall where you previously were, confused with where you went. As it looks up, the silhouette of a kobold fills its view. Moments later, the creature is underneath Skitter, unable to move and dazed.
Ramsus 7th Aug 2012, 5:40 PM edit delete reply
I don't really know how you're determining the rolls for it so I figured I'd just leave that to you. As for the drop...the reason for ceiling vs just fall over was because falling damage was my idea there.
Bronymous 7th Aug 2012, 5:56 PM edit delete reply
"Got that under control, do you? What is that smell?" Horizon feigns covering his nose as he moves over to the leaking device. He makes sure to kick the two dead rats away from the spill as he goes. "Well, good, you found one. And it looks defunct. Good. Now who wants to help me with mine? It's invisible, in three separate pieces, and on the other side of a venerable inferno. Should be fun."
Kris_The_Guest 7th Aug 2012, 6:39 PM edit delete reply
Tiffany bumped into Horizon slightly as she was flailing around.
Bronymous 7th Aug 2012, 6:48 PM edit delete reply
Horizon grabs one of her arms. "Will you stop that?... What is that, cinnamon? Gross. Why are you covered in cinnammon? Nevermind. Just stay still."
Lyntermas 7th Aug 2012, 6:50 PM edit delete reply
Rolf stared after Lizzie for a moment before following her into the previous room. He didn't know how much the lioness would understand, but he would try to communicate. He projects as he walks. "Some necromancers have already entered the building. Your cubs were safe downstairs last time we saw them, but two followed you up here. We believe some baddies remain in the attic, but it might be difficult for you to maneuver up around here. If you think you can navigate the ladders without bringing the house down, you may join us tracking them down. Otherwise, I suggest going back downstairs with your cubs and resume guarding the wards." He paused as the remains of the paladin came into view. "...The choice is yours."

(Roll for Diplomacy.)

For the others, your options seem to be:
1. Find out what's lurking in that hole.
2. Ask the paladin which room is right above the crypt, have Skitter teleport straight down in the great hall (keep your eyes open for the trail of pebbles).
Ramsus 7th Aug 2012, 6:54 PM edit delete reply
Skitter can't really teleport to places he doesn't know are there. Or at least, I refuse to do so without him having a reasonable suspicion of such.
Lyntermas 7th Aug 2012, 7:07 PM edit delete reply
I understand that. However, if the paladin somehow KNOWS that the main crypt is right below the main hall, or knows where some floorplans are, then Skitter might be able to teleport straight down into the main crypt. Otherwise, he could try quickly shadow-hopping through the flames to get to the crypt.
Bronymous 7th Aug 2012, 7:11 PM edit delete reply
Were not in the main hall, though. And I don't think shadow-porting will work through fire, being that there are no shadows to use (that is how it works, right? regardless, its way more than 15 feet).
Ramsus 7th Aug 2012, 7:26 PM edit delete reply
Unless it's a solid wall of fire wouldn't there actually a lot of shadows since it'd be casting the light in all sorts of directions. Still, that would be teleporting into fire. Not really any safer than just trying to run through it.
Lyntermas 7th Aug 2012, 8:22 PM edit delete reply
I'm just throwing out ideas. You can all figure out what to do next on your own.

Oh, and Skitter, don't forget to stab the critter. Just because it's dazed doesn't mean it's dead.
Ramsus 7th Aug 2012, 8:36 PM edit delete reply
(Oh right.)

Stab stab. =P
Bronymous 7th Aug 2012, 8:59 PM edit delete reply
I think we are dealing with a solid wall situation. Fire spreading across the length of the hallway and walls, anyway.
Ramsus 7th Aug 2012, 9:52 PM edit delete reply
How's Horizon's throwing arm? The three of us could hop into the portable hole and Horizon could throw it across. It's a 2d object with a one way entrance long as it didn't flip over mid-flight we'd in theory land somewhere on the other side unscathed.

Though I really have no idea if you're actually allowed to throw portable holes. Not sure why not exactly though since clearly you can drop them and such.
Bronymous 7th Aug 2012, 10:04 PM edit delete reply
I mean, I guess I could Frisbee it or something. But it could only potentially make it to the end of the hall. And I'm pretty sure the fire is, like, literally everywhere down there, so it wouldn't end too well.

At least, that's how I read the situation.
Ramsus 7th Aug 2012, 10:29 PM edit delete reply
*shrug* Well create water is way too little at a time and I'm pretty sure Rolf doesn't have Cone of Cold yet. Not really sure what we can do about a huge fire except get a bunch of sand or water. Though it seems it'd be kinda a problem getting it down there.

Edit: Ah, though he might just have fog cloud or such. That could possibly quench it?
Bronymous 8th Aug 2012, 9:24 AM edit delete reply
I never really got why they thought cold air would be able to put out fire. I could understand an oversaturation of frost, maybe, but just cold air wouldn't work at all- It's just denser oxygen, which means more fuel.

Fog might work, but unless he pours into it, it'll probably just evaporate. It's supposedly getting to be an oven down there. I think he wants us to go get this MacGuffin artifact to help us. But that's supposedly down there in the catacombs, too, so we still have to get past the fire to find it.

I might just be speculating incorrectly and overcomplicating the situation a bit, though. May not be as bad as I think. We'll see.
Lyntermas 8th Aug 2012, 9:38 AM edit delete reply
No, I think the artifact was either the orb (great cost much?), the cloak, or something in the supply closet. If we're stumped, use an Intelligence or Wisdom roll for a clue.
Ramsus 8th Aug 2012, 10:35 AM edit delete reply
Well, fog cloud might actually work because it wouldn't be dispersed by mere heat. All the cloud/fog spells are specifically dispersed by wind but, otherwise stay where they are. So effectively you get as much moisture as needed?
Bronymous 8th Aug 2012, 10:46 AM edit delete reply
Stupid magic, making things all complicated. How am I supposed to apply my learned knowledge of the way the world works if it just gets "lol nope'd" by any douche with a magic wand?

Speaking of, Rolf has a Cold spell wand. So we could use that, too. I guess.
Ramsus 8th Aug 2012, 11:50 AM edit delete reply
Haha. Hmm. Well I actually found your interpretation of how cold spells would interact with fire

So that might be a bad plan since then he'd cause things to be more explody.

Edit: Also this gives a more amusing reason for why things like fire elementals take extra damage from cold damage. It's not because you're lowering their tempurate, nope, it's because you're causing parts of them to explode like you'd just filled the inside of someone's arm with water. Yes, it's supposed to go in there but, not that much of it and not that way.
Lyntermas 8th Aug 2012, 11:53 AM edit delete reply
Heading off canoeing soon. If Zarhon updates now, great. If not, see you later.
Zarhon 8th Aug 2012, 12:50 PM edit delete reply
Regarding the portable hole, isn't the hole basically a "fabric like" substance? Since the hole in the wall is only about head sized (whilst the portable hole is roughly 2 meters diameter), you don't have enough space to throw it like a frisbee all the way through. You could fold it, but since it appears to be a fabric thing, it wouldn't get very far. I'm not sure how "folding" the hole affects creatures inside, but anyone inside would be at risk of suffocating, as the hole only has so much air within.

For the Skitter teleporting into crypt downwards, didn't we agree that he needs to have a way to pass through the shadow? He can't teleport through a solid wall. Also, ask yourself, what's the most dangerous aspect of a fire?

Horizon, Skitter, Tiffany

17 (H)
9 (S)
11 (T)

The creature succumbs easily to Skitters repeated stabs. It's blood oozes across the floor, mixing with the purple liquid.

Meanwhile, the sound Horizon heard earlier is getting louder, and nearer.


Diplomacy 18 + 8 = 26

The lioness either doesn't understand or isn't listening to you, but she does see your gesturing at the cub. She calls the cub at attention, making it drop its meat piece and pay attention to its mother. Lizzie then grabs the remains of the paladin and starts shaking them like a ragdoll (much to the clerics distress). She then throws the body through the big stained window on the roof section. As soon as it touches is, the magical wards react, causing the undead remains of the body to explode in a flash of light. All that remains of the paladin are the now-empty armor pieces, which continue on their trajectory, breaking through the stained window and tumbling loudly over the edge roof. The priest is holding his head in shock.

"We're going to be in so much trouble."

Lizzie then picks up the cub by the neck and carries it downstairs. It returns a minute later, and looks down the large ladder, sniffing it, before growling a bit. She can't seem to fit through properly. She goes downstairs again.

Important note: I'll be going on vacation for about a week on friday, with no internet. I *might* update once or twice during that time, but I can't make any promises.
Ramsus 8th Aug 2012, 12:56 PM edit delete reply
(Hmm. I'm not really sure. I know magic items are supposed to be hard to just break, so I figured it wasn't really flammable.)

"Oh look, it's Knife Guy. I wondered where you went." *looks at the purple good and shrugs then turns around and goes to check out the hole in the wall (gang)*
Zarhon 8th Aug 2012, 1:18 PM edit delete reply
(Wait, what are you talking about exactly Ramsus?)


Perception -> 15

There are a pair of serpentine eyes looking back at you from the hole, quickly approaching.
Bronymous 8th Aug 2012, 1:27 PM edit delete reply
A week? Damn. At least classes will have finally started and I'll have something to do other than sit around waiting for this to update all day.

I think we were talking about throwing the hole past the fire, not into the hole in the wall, btw.

"What the hell is that noise? Horizon walks over to the hole peering into it. The light in the room makes it difficult to see anything, though. "Skitter. Assuming you're done with your new friend, come over here and tell me what you see in this hole. As for you," He walks over to Tiffany, "This is my last waterskin, so try not to empty it." He pulls the container out from under his cloak, takes a drink, and then hands it to her. "Now wash that stuff off, and watch that pool of blood. I don't like that its mixing with the stuff from the bomb." He then goes back to the wall to assist Skitter.

No sure if Skitter will need help reaching the hole or not. If so then he gives him a boost.

Edit: QUIT DOING THAT Not fixing. Just roll with it.
Ramsus 8th Aug 2012, 1:57 PM edit delete reply
(Huh? I was talking about the concept of tossing the portable hole past the fire and whether or not it'd burn.

Remind me again how big this hole is?)

"Shhh!" Skitter hissed sharply at Horizon. "Ssssss" Skitter hissed like a snake. "Come here and let me see you." (Wait a sec...why can't Skitter see it? Is it just too far away?)

(Hey, we might finally learn something about Skitter I've been waiting for an opportunity for for a while.)
Calypso 8th Aug 2012, 2:28 PM edit delete reply
Most dangerous aspect of fire? Heh, yeah. Isn't the heat. It is the reason some places open their skylights automatically when a fire alarm is set off, even though it makes the fire stronger.
Ramsus 8th Aug 2012, 2:47 PM edit delete reply
I assume you meant it is the heat.

I took that into account though. A portable hole being a 2d object isn't going to be effected by anything underneath it. It would of course be really bad if it flipped over, then the heat would get in. But, facing upwards it'd be fine since heat rises and wouldn't come down into its entrance.
Lyntermas 8th Aug 2012, 3:06 PM edit delete reply
I think Calypso and Zarhon were referring to the fact that fire eats up oxygen something fierce. Suffocation could be a concern, particularly in an enclosed place like the catacombs.

"Again, I'm sure zombies trump any superficial damage that the temple may undergo. At least Lizzie's headed back downstairs. However, I think one of her cubs may have fallen down the ladder. Let's go investigate." Rolf started to head down the ladder.

Well, the wards are effective. The main concern at this point will be making sure no more cultists sneak in.

edit: Well, if oxygen is the limiting factor, then the best thing to do is leave it alone for the moment. Assuming the only thing really fueling the fire is the original yellow potion (which isn't going anywhere), the fire should suffocate itself out before it becomes much of a problem. Considering the cylinder requires SO MUCH heat to explode, and that the fire isn't getting any bigger, the bombs should be "safe" for now.
Zarhon 8th Aug 2012, 4:01 PM edit delete reply
I thought the issue with the portable hole was throwing it through the hole in the cold-storage room, rather than the catacombs fire. I suppose the thing wouldn't be destroyed by the fire, but nothing prevents the fire (which spreads along the ground) from "entering" the hole, nor does the hole protects anyone within the hole from some of the fire's deadlier aspects. Not to mention, recovering said hole would be dangerous.

Skitter, Tiffany, Horizon

Perception -> 11, 7, 4

Skitter continues staring into the eyes, as the creature within reveals itself, gradually slithering into the room through the hole.


Rolf and the cleric go down the ladder. You are now a level above the main hall, on a regal balcony on the right side of the hall, reaching all the way up to the altar itself. Several pillars from below extend all the way up to the roof sections. On your left is another balcony, mirroring this one, for the left side of the grand hall. There is a downwards staircase, leading to the level below, on the opposite side of the balcony you are on.

Perception -> 17

You catch a glimpse of movement on the other balcony, as well as some noise coming from the balcony you are on now.
Lyntermas 8th Aug 2012, 4:25 PM edit delete reply
Rolf holds up his hand in front of the cleric. "We've got movement on this balcony as well as the other," he whispered. "Get your staff at the ready, but wait here until I figure out what's up here." He got ready to cast an Invisibility spell on himself before he went forward along the balcony.

Zarhon, earlier in the campaign I used an invisibility spell before going into the crowd. I made the justification that since it was a "self-buff", I assumed Rolf would be automatically successful at it (his main concern seems to be "aiming", not "casting"). If you would still accept this justification, roll for Stealth. If not, roll for Invisibility as well. If the Invisibility roll still fails, then Rolf will try to sneak forward anyway.

Also, I'm having a bit of trouble seeing the picture in your link. I assume it looks something like this?
Zarhon 8th Aug 2012, 4:32 PM edit delete reply
Hah, yes, it's exactly that picture. I fixed the pic though, should be fine. As for the stealth, I guess you could cast the spell on self easily, but you'd still have to roll stealth to avoid getting heard and such. Not updating now though, too late.
Lyntermas 8th Aug 2012, 4:37 PM edit delete reply
Understood. Rolling for Stealth would have happened regardless, I just wanted to know whether the "no roll for self-buffs" still applied. See you tomorrow.
Kris_The_Guest 8th Aug 2012, 4:38 PM edit delete reply
Tiffany backed up quickly. "Uhhh, Horizon? Please, please don't do anything stupid."
Ramsus 8th Aug 2012, 4:45 PM edit delete reply
"Ah!" gasped Skitter in surprise. "By Zehir's grace you are a big one aren't you?" He took half a step back to allow the giant snake some room but, extended his arm towards it, offering it space to climb on him. Looking over to Tiffany and Horizon he said, "She's quite a beauty don't you think?"

(Now to see who knows enough D&D lore to know what's going on with his reaction.)
Bronymous 8th Aug 2012, 5:37 PM edit delete reply
Kobolds, being reptilian, are related to Lizardmen, and both know Snakey-talk and keep serpents as pets or companions. How was that, do I win? I assume it's not a basilisk. Or does Skitter have some kind of defense against mesmeric petrification?

Yeah, letting the fire burn itself out has two real world complications. 1- The catacombs are not sealed, so it will continue to draw in oxygen from outside to sustain itself. The center of the blaze will eventually snuff out, but the exterior will continue to spread and burn indefinitely. 2- We are all still in the tunnels, and still require that oxygen that is soon to be running out. Add into that smoke inhalation, and even worse CO poisoning, and we find ourselves in a very, very disagreeable situation.

"You just watch the dead thing and make sure it doesn't get up. Paladin, do you think you could go check on the status of the fire, see if its getting any closer?" Horizon turned back to the new development, eyeing Skitter's new friend intently. "Are you sure that'd a good idea? that looks incredibly unhealthy."

So yeah, INT check to see if I know what that is, other than a just a big snake. 20. Now I get a 20. Med ranks, if it matters.
Kris_The_Guest 8th Aug 2012, 6:14 PM edit delete reply
"Uhhh, yeah...she's pretty." Tiffany didn't move.
Ramsus 8th Aug 2012, 7:28 PM edit delete reply
(Bzzt wrong. Kobolds actually think of themselves as related to dragons.

Zehir is the god of snakes, poison, and darkness. If you remember where Skitter commented to Tiff about also having some religious training...)

"Oh, sure her loving grasp could probably crush a man without her really trying. But, she'd only do that if she didn't like you. Sssssssss. Isn't that right little sister?" (Ssssssss is totally coooing but, for snakes.)
Bronymous 8th Aug 2012, 8:03 PM edit delete reply
Oh. Then I won't feel bad about killing it (as if I ever would have felt bad about killing it).
Ramsus 8th Aug 2012, 8:49 PM edit delete reply
Yeeeeah. That would end well.
Bronymous 8th Aug 2012, 11:13 PM edit delete reply
JK, I like snakes. As long as it doesn't try to bite me.
Ramsus 8th Aug 2012, 11:24 PM edit delete reply
If it does, Skitter is probably going to side with it over you. Skitter has a religious obligation to be nice to snakes. You're just some guy he met today. =)
Bronymous 8th Aug 2012, 11:33 PM edit delete reply
I'll take it's head off without a thought. I'm pretty sure your Snake god won't blame you if the snake comes at me, and I kill it in Self-Defense. If he/she/it/ does, tell him/her/it to take it up with me.

Or, just keep it under control, and we won't have to worry about it.
Ramsus 8th Aug 2012, 11:57 PM edit delete reply
Right. Because Skitter, a non-ranger, non-druid, non-cleric can control snakes now. We're basically betting on it realizing he's not a threat and it isn't hungry enough to not care that we're big enough to potentially kill it. (And since when has that ever stopped snakes fighting mongoose?)

Also, it doesn't really matter who Zehir would blame. Skitter would blame Horizon. The snake is a dumb animal. far is Skitter is concerned Horizon might be too but, he at least has a choice about that. ;)

So yeah, Zehir would be taking it up with him. Through Skitter. That's sorta what followers are for. Dealing with the threats to your divine plan that are on their level.

Edit: Isn't this great? The biggest threat to the party so far. A snake. Not the evil boss showing up. Not bombs or a huge fire or horrible blood zombie things. Nope. A snake. And it's not like Zarhon could even have planned this. I didn't ever tell him about Skitter's religious leanings.
Edit: Poor Zarhon. He probably thought throwing a giant snake at us was a perfectly decent and normal random encounter to confront us with. Of course it's his fault. He should have known that turning into a giant snake never helps. =P
Bronymous 9th Aug 2012, 12:17 AM edit delete reply
Well, if the snake attacks, it attacks. Then it dies. Then its up to you.

Make nice and keep it as a pet.
Ramsus 9th Aug 2012, 1:17 AM edit delete reply
Is it not clear he's trying? Still. It's a giant snake. It's a bit like a fighter trying to make friends with a bear. Sure, maybe the GM will find the thematic themes there cool enough to roll with it. On the other hand it's just as reasonable to go "And? It's a wild animal and you are in its face. It attacks."
Edit: On the other hand snakes kinda get a bad rap. Plenty of them are happy enough to just sit around on you an absorb your warmth.

Edit 2: It would be pretty awesome if this results in Skitter gaining a snake mount. I mean, how often is that really applicable to a PC? Even the giant snakes are usually still medium sized (like this one appears to be, which makes it too big for humans to ride but, not Skitter who is Small sized) or too inherently evil to do so (a lot of the really large sized stuff in D&D is a little more monstrous than "this animal, just really big").

Edit 3: If this does turn out to be pet/mount material can it be one of these? ( And no, I'm not asking just because it has venom there is no known antidote for. That's just a bonus on top of how pretty it is.
Kris_The_Guest 9th Aug 2012, 4:26 AM edit delete reply
Dang it! If Tiffany and Skitter get awesome animal companions/mounts, then Horizon and Rolf will have to work twice as hard to get theirs!
Lyntermas 9th Aug 2012, 5:40 AM edit delete reply
Well, we don't know if it will be friendly at this point. Tiffany, use your Ring of Animal Friendship on it. That will make it more likely to at least not kill us.
Bronymous 9th Aug 2012, 11:42 AM edit delete reply
Lolnope. Get ready for a snakebite.
Ramsus 9th Aug 2012, 11:45 AM edit delete reply
Oh shit right! I forgot about that ring. Pass! Pass!
Zarhon 9th Aug 2012, 12:16 PM edit delete reply
Update is on next page.
Karilyn 7th Aug 2012, 9:52 AM edit delete reply
Writing speeches out in advanced and then still stumbling over them anyway?

Sounds like a job for Inky Quills!
Ranubis 7th Aug 2012, 12:31 PM edit delete reply
Now that was a grand case of preparation not finishing the job, then the resulting improv forming a critical success. High point of the campaign in my opinion.
Oblivious 8th Aug 2012, 10:11 AM edit delete reply
Would have been a higher point if it weren't for the fight that happened right afterward. :(
Bronymous 7th Aug 2012, 9:58 AM edit delete reply
Well, whenever I decide to make plans, they usually work. Whenever I make speeches (monologues, what have you), I need a minute or two prep time- improvising on the spot is not a great strength of mine- unless I'm typing it out- but they usually work, too. If they don't, they were probably destined to fail. I've never had to reload and BS my way out of something, though.

I guess I'm just too good at this.
XandZero2 7th Aug 2012, 10:13 AM edit delete reply
I can think of one story that might be relevant for today, but this is gonna be a long one -

So, I was running a session of my Dragon Age RP. The party had just returned to this town after going into the woods to fight a big-bad Rage abomination (aka - demonically-possessed elf).

Well, you'd imagine that everything would be sunshine and rainbows after that, right?

You would be wrong.

A bit of relevant backstory:

While the party had been out in the woods fighting the abomination, he'd sent an army of corrupted Dalish Elves (wood elves basically) to raise the town. When the abomination was defeated, the corrupted elves fell unconscious and transformed back into their base forms - right in the middle of the town they'd just ravaged.

In this setting, humans already don't take kindly to Dalish Elves in the best of times, so they were getting ready to have a mass lynching when the party got back.

Now, the players (2 of which are elves) realize the Dalish are innocent (the abomination was controlling them) and they want the elves to go free.

The group orator gives this epic lvl speech about compromise and letting by-gones be by-gones. He also throws out the seal of a local Arl (an Earl) who he's working for, to prove he's a respectable character who should be listened to.

By the time this player's done talking, I've been driven to the point of tears without a single die-roll being made, yet because of the nature of the situation, I decide there's got to be some random element. I decide to roll a D6. If it came up as anything but a 1, the townspeople are swayed to make a compromise and let the elves live.

Guess what I rolled?

Well, the townspeople declared they'd be hanging the elves in 3 days time.

Now, this is where the party really impressed me.

For a party that normally doesn't ever plan for anything ahead of time, for 3 days they prepared, scouting the area, looking for the best escape routes, setting spells and traps, watching for the changes of the guard around the Elves...

One Rogue even went so far as to first steal clothes from the town wash, then disguise himself, sneak up on the town stableman, knock him out and tie him up, disguise himself as the stableman, then go out on guard duty.
XandZero2 7th Aug 2012, 10:13 AM edit delete reply
Finally the night came to put the plan in motion. The two female members of the party were going to scream at the same time from two separate locations outside the village.

This would hopefully draw the guards away in the opposite direction from the party's planned escape route, and when the guards went out to investigate the screams, four member of the party (females included) would jump the unwitting guards, knock them out and tie them up.

Before this happened though, the disguised rogue would knock out the town warden between guard shifts. He'd hide the warden somewhere and wait for the girls to do their thing, then the rest of the party would ambush any remaining guards left with the prisoners. Then the party would free the elves, make a mass exodus through the town, run across a river, knock over the makeshift log bridge they'd set up - and then be home free.

-That was the plan.

It was a good plan.

But no plan survives contact with the enemy.

For the plan to work, they first had to take care of the warden. The disguised rogue thought he could do that easily enough (and under normal circumstances, he would have), but when it came time to make an opposed dexterity check to slip the warden some homemade chloroform, the warden rolled a crit and actually beat the rogue (who had an ungodly Dex bonus).

The warden catches the rogue's hand in mid air - and suddenly the rogue knows the jig's up. If the warden calls the guards back everything's ruined. The rogue draws his morning star and prepares for a fight.

-But at this point, the players had impressed me so much with their planning, I decided to throw them a bone.

The warden hadn't been excited about lynching the elves to begin with, and when he saw the rogue draw his weapon, he recognized him for who he was.

In the end, he actually helped the party distract the other guards while they untied the Dalish, fled the town, and made it to safety.

It all turned out well in the end, and the players loved it!
Zuche 8th Aug 2012, 6:48 AM edit delete reply
Nice little twist at the end there. Well done.
Videocrazy 8th Aug 2012, 6:04 PM edit delete reply
Something tells me you could have rolled a 1dgoogleplex and still have gotten a 1 (for the speech, I mean).

*baleeted because screwy code.*
Guest 9th Aug 2012, 12:22 AM edit delete reply
Nice job breaking pagewidth there.
Videocrazy 9th Aug 2012, 7:51 AM edit delete reply
Sorry. For me, when I tried to change it, it would just move that automatic dash, that seemed to prevent exactly that situation.
tigerlily 7th Aug 2012, 10:32 AM edit delete reply
we were playing warhammer fantasy and our goal for that session was to get through an entire ork army and save these captured villagers. as a group, we set up this epic plan but it was immediately foiled when our key members rolled so poorly during their first roll, they were knocked out and captured, too. we had no idea what to do next. nada. that's when our sorceress asked the dm if she could use one of her school spells- one that let her see into the future. our gm doesn't see a problem with that, so she said she wanted to see what our plan would be. having rolled well enough, the gm had to bullshit a plan all on his own for us to follow.
kriss1989 7th Aug 2012, 11:10 AM edit delete reply
But you only did that plan because you scryed for it and because you scryed it that was your plan which meant that when you scry it you will see the plan that you are doing because that is what you scryed. Darn you Handkerchief Paradox!
Greywander 7th Aug 2012, 8:20 PM edit delete reply
I read this comment in Mojo Jojo's voice. It's exactly the kind of thing he'd say.
kriss1989 7th Aug 2012, 11:08 AM edit delete reply
My fresh story is doubly relevent as it involves a plan going south AND a dragon. My players had their Dragon encounter Sunday. To quote one of my players, as per his request, "The Dragon just Scooby Doo'd us!"

The setup was that there was a fair sized lizardfolk village that worshiped the dragon as a living god (dragons love setting up groups like that). The wizard has the brilliant plan to drape a pair of unseen servants in vines and swamp muck to make them look like swamp monsters, and then send them to knock over stilt houses. Sure they can't attack, but they can't be attacked either. So the lizardfolk can't stab the things, and a blast of fire just results in one of them setting the food hut on fire. Then the wizard ghost-sounded a hydra coming from the other side of the camp in the trees. The lizardfolk were terrified.

Then the dragon came out of the cave. He ripped apart the vines with his claws and teeth, the wizard dispelling the servants to try and salvage the illusion, and then breathed acid to clear the area where the hydra was. Once it was revealed there was no hydra, the dragon did a quick perception check and found the group. "You fools! It's not swamp monsters, it's a group of adventurers! Get them!"

The warlock, being a smart-ass, quipped "And we would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for that meddling dragon." As thus Scooby Dragon was born.
Zuche 7th Aug 2012, 12:10 PM edit delete reply
I can see now why Twilight Sparkle becomes obsessed with cue cards and checklists in future episodes.
Rentok 7th Aug 2012, 1:35 PM edit delete reply
I haven't really been able to BS my way through anything.

Not for lack of failure, or trying, or planning.

See, most of the campaigns I end up involved in, the DMs are really big on plot. They really, really like their stories. Not just the stories they create, but the stories the party create. Basically, every time we play DnD, it's insanely RP-heavy, and the only combat we ever end up in is scripted. No random encounters. Half the fights are plot-fights too, where we're SUPPOSED to win. Or, if we're not supposed to win, where we CANNOT win (regardless of skill, planning, smart moves, or luck).

What this translates to is that, if the party makes a plan, it either:

A ) Goes off without a hitch because it was a good plan

B ) Everything goes wrong because of bad dice rolls, except everything ends up going off without a hitch anyways because of how COOL the plan was.


C ) The plan had a 0% chance of success from the start because the story doesn't account for us stopping the villain ahead of time- The hero-vs-villain showdown is too important to allow us to win until it's nearly too late anyways.

What this means is that, essentially, nobody ever dies (unless killed by the party or doing something suicidal), the good guys always win (unless they're not supposed to in which case they never win), the story never changes, and nothing anyone does actually matters.

I've been slowly trying more and more insane and stupid stuff, to see just how far I can go before the DM is forced to actually let me die. I'm being careful not to ACTUALLY die, but I'm trying to find the level of suicidal tendency that will allow death to become a possibility. So far I've ruled out "1-v1 the mindflayer while underwater as an archer" and "Attempt to commite white-dragon genocide single handedly". Neither were allowed to be successful, of course (the story would have had to change if I had been successful, and we can't have that), but I'm still alive. In fact, the mindflayer is now an NPC that is allied with us. Not sure yet if he'll actually be travelling with us or not.
Lyntermas 7th Aug 2012, 1:48 PM edit delete reply
It seems that your DM is in love with the Theory of Narrative Causality, where things happen "because that would make a good story." While playing like that can produce the satisfaction and catharsis that players like (see Demonu's ending to the Five Fathers campaign), it does have some problems if used extensively. Player agency feels reduced since success or failure isn't even dependent on the dice, but on the whims of the DM. Also, it gives the world a less "natural" feel: the world revolves around the players, nothing happens without player intervention, and if the party decides to camp right outside the villain's hideout, well, then the bad guy will just have to wait.
kriss1989 9th Aug 2012, 5:24 AM edit delete reply
Yeah, that's a story writer, not a DM. I he wants a story that controlled, why is he playing with anyone? He should just write a book.
redwings1340 7th Aug 2012, 2:09 PM edit delete reply
I was a low level wizard, we were attempting to take out a corrupt mayor. The mayor is really intimidating and had scared all the guards to follow him, except for the one that I used charm person on. I expected at first for him to like me until he realized what I was doing, in which case I had a speech prepared explaining how we need to take out the mayor and how he should let us go ahead with our mission without trying to stop us. Then the time comes when he finds us fighting his fellow guard friends, and I get ready to say my speech to convince him to stay on our side. I ask the DM about my charmed soldier, and he says, oh yeah, he's still with you, why?
I quickly say something along the lines of, "uh, oh, ok, cool. I had a speech prepared, but I guess this works too."
DM: "Wait, you had a speech prepared?"
Me: "Well, uh, it wasn't all that good and it wasn't written down, I had just thought about this from the previous session, uh... never mind"

Apparently my speech wasn't needed and we kept him along with us. This was a first time group for a lot of us, including me, so I think our DM was very lenient about a lot of the rules. I'm guessing that other DMs would have probably forced me to say that speech and then make me completely botch it.
Destrustor 7th Aug 2012, 2:18 PM edit delete reply
Not sure if that counts but I once turned an enemy to our side with PHILOSOPHY!
My character had this stupid habit of trying to shove PHILOSOPHY!! into everything. I had a PHILOSOPHY! "skill" that I kept maxed out all the time and tried to use for everything: Diplomacy? PHILOSOPHY!
Intimidate? PHILOSOPHY!
sense motive? PHILOSOPHY!!
It always failed, of course, and me and my PHILOSOPHY! partner usually bored NPCs away for a few hours everytime we went on one of our legendary discussions.
We once had a king walk out on us and come back three hours later to ask if we were done before continuing his explanations.
So anyway one day we were fighting the big bad guy's right-hand man(and getting our asses kicked) when suddenly, in the middle of the fight, I start questioning him about the motives behind his moral choice of being evil. He humors me and begins answering. After a while we actually stop fighting to talk things out calmly. Thus we eventually learn that he is being pressured by the bad guy to do his bidding because it's the only way for him to get back(and keep) his long-lost love. We'd guessed a while back that he was at worst neutral so that explained a good deal about him. He then agreed to covertly help us against his boss, usually warning us of threats or going easy on us in our subsequent fights.
And this was all mostly done via some sweet-talking, dice-less roleplaying(something we very rarely do) initiated by my litteraly useless PHILOSOPHY! skill.
Trance 7th Aug 2012, 3:01 PM edit delete reply
I talked an orc warrior into joining my group for glory and wealth instead of attacking us when he randomly tried to rob us on a road.

It was just me and another guy, two low level mages who didn't exactly like eachother. The orc just jumped onto the path out of a tree line and speaking in rather unconfident english threatened us if we didn't give him our money. We ended up kinda moching his attempts to rob us and giving him a few tips to help him do better and asking him why he was even trying this when he clearly was no good at it. Long story short, he was bright for his race only knew common, and was named silver by his parents because they thought it was worth a lot and that he could be successful and he knew silver wasn't even worth much. It was kinda sad so we offered for him to join us and so he became a bumbling companion, until he was killed/possessed by an evil orb that was hunting us later.
-Appkes- 8th Aug 2012, 10:51 AM edit delete reply
Nice work!

Unfortunately, I dont actually have any stories for this discussion.
Trance 7th Aug 2012, 3:01 PM edit delete reply
I talked an orc warrior into joining my group for glory and wealth instead of attacking us when he randomly tried to rob us on a road.

It was just me and another guy, two low level mages who didn't exactly like eachother. The orc just jumped onto the path out of a tree line and speaking in rather unconfident english threatened us if we didn't give him our money. We ended up kinda moching his attempts to rob us and giving him a few tips to help him do better and asking him why he was even trying this when he clearly was no good at it. Long story short, he was bright for his race only knew common, and was named silver by his parents because they thought it was worth a lot and that he could be successful and he knew silver wasn't even worth much. It was kinda sad so we offered for him to join us and so he became a bumbling companion, until he was killed/possessed by an evil orb that was hunting us later.
Korbl 7th Aug 2012, 3:29 PM edit delete reply
Never had that problem. I'd say the character death after trying to save your ungrateful party's collective ass is much worse though.
DracoS 7th Aug 2012, 4:46 PM edit delete reply
I've had something like this happen in a sci-fi game I played.

It was a PvP-with-some-NPCs game and you were either in a mech or a battleship. The other side's PCs had just gotten done being in a tough fight and they were all in pretty poor condition, so naturally my team decided that was the best time to attack.

Enter some of that Theory of Narrative Causality. My big battleship (a rip-off of the Macross), all my little NPC mechas ('cause all good battleships have a goon squad), and four other players in their awesome mechs attack and everyone - even the other team - expects us to win. The DM decides, on the spot, that he was going to give the other side a bunch of on-the-spot bonuses while nerfing the abilities of my ship and my NPCs in a way that utterly ruined the plan I'd made.
kriss1989 9th Aug 2012, 5:28 AM edit delete reply
Well that is just stupid. If you strike when they are vulnerable, you strike when they are vulnerable. What is with these stories of DMs undermining the players for the sake of "the story"?
Zodo 8th Aug 2012, 9:49 AM edit delete reply
(I really have got to look at the comments earlier to get what I have to say higher up)

It was GenCon many years go (back when it was in Milwaukee). I was playing in a Dragonlance LARP. My character was a ranger who ended up somehow teamed up with a group of minotaurs. Minotaurs hate ranged weapons, so they quickly destroyed my bow, leaving me without a primary weapon.

I later happened upon a market shop that had a bow for sale. I tried to be subtle and ask the shopkeep if that item on the wall was for sale. It was, and the exchange was made happily.

The head minotaur saw me holding it and asked, "Is dat a bow?"

Thinking quickly, I responded, "Of course not. It's um a ... one-stringed musical instrument!"

"Den you play it! now!"

My ranger, not musically inclined to begin with, proceeds to attempt to play his new bow as a musical instrument. I proceed to roll a 1 on a d20.

The GM on hand says to the minotaurs, "What you hear is the most monotonous, unmusiclike thing you've ever heard."

The minotaurs look at each other and declare "We love it!" and start lowing along to my 'music'.

Thus was formed the Minotaur Monotone Choir.
Stairc 8th Aug 2012, 2:53 PM New Pony Tales Expansion! edit delete reply
The new Races of Equestria expansion will be added tomorrow, posted on this comig. It features six brand new racial options (including Baby Dragons, Minotaurs, Hippogriffs and Zebras) as well as a revamped changeling that's cooler than ever.

Kitty Petro 8th Aug 2012, 3:41 PM edit delete reply
Well there was this Pathfinder scenario where we got this job to get this magical spear out of the nearby church vaults... we got our rouge stealthed... the rouge sneaked up on the two guards in the main hall... and tried to stab him, missed on all rolls and the next thing we knew the hallway was a bloodbath of dead priests and cleric

our next scenario was breaking out our friends who were imprisoned and scheduled for hanging, that plan went a lot better
Stairc 8th Aug 2012, 7:13 PM edit delete reply
The Art of DM
Thread by thread, building an adventure
Plot threads twist, breaking down the players bit by bit
Making sure exposition flows nicely
Don't want to have the party split
Always gotta keep in mind my pacing
Setting up the challenges they're facing
I'm planning my campaign...

Quest by quest, fussing on the details
Each quest-line, baiting them with treasure they'll desire
Crafting circumstances dire
That'll make PCs perspire
Gotta mind those intimate details
(And keep the players on the rails)
I'm running my campaign.

DMing's easy
Easier than you'd think
Just be fair and don't be sleazy
Run a good game
(Are the characters cheesy?)

Something brash, a plan that's stretching
Common sense? Your players probably died
Trying to wheel and deal with devils
In the hope of gaining extra levels
But the deal they offered stank
And now they've lost their only tank
We're trying to fix this mess

Sword by sword, spell by spell
Astral sea, heaven, hell
Orc by orc, gem by gem
Freeing souls we've condemned
And that's...

How you DM
redwings1340 8th Aug 2012, 7:20 PM edit delete reply
Brilliant song. Too bad almost nopony is going to see this before the next comic updates.
Boden King 8th Aug 2012, 9:26 PM edit delete reply
I saw it, and I plan to sing this when I DM.
Bronymous 8th Aug 2012, 11:41 PM edit delete reply
Ranubis 9th Aug 2012, 2:52 AM edit delete reply
Now that is an awesome song. Well done, DM Dan!

Wait, hold on...
"Trying to wheel and deal with devils
In the hope of gaining extra levels
But the deal they offered stank
And now they've lost their only tank
We're trying to fix this mess."

...Alcazar! No! What happened?!
Lyntermas 9th Aug 2012, 5:44 AM edit delete reply
Very nice, Stairc.
Stairc 9th Aug 2012, 10:45 PM edit delete reply
Thanks. Glad you all like it. =)

There's a [url]]thread that's open for Pony RPG song parodies[/url] on the Pony Tales Forums.

Love to hear yours too.
Guest 8th Aug 2012, 7:24 PM Hayatecooper edit delete reply
Epic Song is Epic
J-Kwez 8th Aug 2012, 10:33 PM edit delete reply
Yes, but I played a bard that was just a parody of myself so I wung it. The rest of the time most of my characters were either mentally addled or evil so I would rant and rave until setting something on fire.
Your Obedient Serpent 9th Aug 2012, 5:06 AM Improv edit delete reply
My current Dresden character is kind of a flake who makes it all up as he goes along.

Last night's session, he actually went in with a plan.

"... wait, that WORKED?"

We'll see next week how WELL it worked.
Guest 22nd May 2013, 3:02 AM edit delete reply
if ya make a plan you'll choke up
so wang it