Page 165 - Calm Before the Storm

23rd Aug 2012, 6:00 AM in Dragonshy
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Calm Before the Storm
Average Rating: 5 (2 votes)
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Author Notes:

Newbiespud 23rd Aug 2012, 6:00 AM edit delete
In today's comments, tell a story about attacking mid-monologue! We've previously had discussion on how players tend to care little for monologues (villain and otherwise), and a few anecdotes of this nature were shared at that time, but it hasn't been specifically requested. Let's see what happens.

Notice: Guest comic submissions are open! Guidelines here. Deadline: January 27th, 2023.



Berserkas 23rd Aug 2012, 6:01 AM edit delete reply
They see me trolling, they hating...
Raxon 23rd Aug 2012, 6:03 AM edit delete reply
HP, exit stage left.
PikalaxALT 23rd Aug 2012, 7:41 AM edit delete reply
Oh, that was smart. Brilliant, even.
Zarhon 23rd Aug 2012, 1:12 PM edit delete reply
Exit, Pursued by a Dragon.
Zuche 24th Aug 2012, 6:35 AM edit delete reply
Best stage direction ever.
Oblivious 23rd Aug 2012, 6:06 AM edit delete reply
Attacking mid-monologue? That's an easy one. We launched our gnome rogue out of a cannon, right at an enemy commander while he was prepping his half-orc mercenary band to assail what ended up being our home base, an ancient keep, completely overrun with foliage in the middle of nowhere. I believe his last words were: "Is that a flying gn--? No, it can't be; they can't possible be that stup-- *SQUISH!*"

Good times.
Destrustor 23rd Aug 2012, 6:44 AM edit delete reply
Wow, that must have been a very small commander, to get squished by a gnome.
Did you strap the gnome to a boulder or something? Did the gnome even survive?
Digo 23rd Aug 2012, 7:54 AM edit delete reply
Small masses like Gnomes just have to be fired at faster velocities. A kobold at suficient velocity can penetrate the DR of an elder dragon for example... :3
Raxon 23rd Aug 2012, 8:24 AM edit delete reply
You can create a gnome railgun simply by paying a thousand peasants a few coppers each. They stand one space ahead of and behind each other, in a single file line.

The peasants pass the gnome forward. This counts as a standard action, so in the span of one turn, for the cost of 10-20 gold, you can accelerate the gnome to well over mach three, since he will travel the entire length of the line in six seconds.
SaddlesoapOpera 23rd Aug 2012, 8:46 AM edit delete reply

D&D TrollPhysics at its finest!

I had a similar setup once with the LightSpeed Great-Cleave Fighter.....
Cain 23rd Aug 2012, 12:55 PM edit delete reply
you sir, just made my day.
Asheram 23rd Aug 2012, 1:31 PM edit delete reply
Aka "The Commoner Pig Launcher"
"Pixie marble death ray"
D&D Physics are wonderful. For some reason whenever I think of physics in D&D I'm being reminded of 3.5 rules of Aerial Bombardment. Tons of fun, if you'll excuse the pun.
uncanny474 24th Aug 2012, 10:36 AM edit delete reply
Yeah, but he only does 1d6+STR damage, and you take a -2 penalty for throwing an improvised weapon.
MirrorImage 24th Aug 2012, 11:19 AM edit delete reply
That assumes "normal" attacks. Something that people seem to forget is that an Axe to the neck will still lop your head off, whether you have 10 or 10 thousand hit points. Same applies to a Light-Speed Gnome.
Oblivious 24th Aug 2012, 8:10 PM edit delete reply
Exactly; there were some crazy modifiers for the speed the gnome was flying at, and the gnome did survive, albeit barely.
Guest 25th Aug 2012, 2:43 AM edit delete reply
There were survivors? Obviously you were doing something wrong.
Raxon 25th Aug 2012, 2:45 AM edit delete reply
What a waste. I made such a witty comment, but I wasn't logged in, so you didn't get to see my handsome mug. Oh, what to do, what to do...
Disloyal Subject 14th Nov 2013, 2:39 PM Remote Backstab edit delete reply
That sounds... very familiar.. you wouldn't happen to have read "Flintlocke's Guide to Azeroth," would you? Because one of his custom attacks, the Remote Backstab, wound up boiling down to: 1- Stick the gnome rogue to a plunger; 2- Stick the plunger's handle into a musket barrel; 3- aim at the guard whose back is turned; 4- FIRE! & 5: give the gnome a bath (he blew a hole straight through the guard's chest)
Boden King 23rd Aug 2012, 6:08 AM edit delete reply
I think I'll have a good story by the end of the day. On a side note, any one got a good one liner for when you kill an evil corrupt queen who tried to become a god? I really want a good one liner for when I kill the queen.
Lyntermas 23rd Aug 2012, 7:22 AM edit delete reply
"Well, I had always wondered what the temple of the Vain Whore would look like, but I guess we'll never know."

"Cheer up, dearie. I'm sure the evil gods will have a talk with you very, very soon."

"And the Goddess said, "Look upon my works and despair." And nobody listened because she was dead."

"You know, it's a good thing you never became a god. Your ego probably would have reached critical mass and blown up the continent."
Destrustor 23rd Aug 2012, 7:49 AM edit delete reply
"Long live the queen!"
*finishes her off*
"or maybe not"

"Congrats! you won! You're now the goddess!"
*finishing blow*
"of losers!"
Raxon 23rd Aug 2012, 7:52 AM edit delete reply
I don't know about you, but if I was to be defeated like that, I think the worst sting would be if the one who killed me said something personally demeaning. Probably in reference to humiliating stereotypes.

"Don't fret, my dear. You'll have all eternity to learn to cook and clean properly within the filth of the abyss."

"You know, you'll never get a man with that attitude. Lucky for you, I know a necromancer who can fix that."

"You'd better learn to make a decent sandwich quick. I'm going to be hungry next time we meet."

Then again, I'm a ginger of scottish heritage, and, well, me, so there's really not a lot of stereotypes you can find that I won't cop to.
Vegetalss4 23rd Aug 2012, 8:10 AM edit delete reply
Hit her right where it hurts the most, the ego.

"I would have said something around now, but I think I will save it for an important foe"
Zuche 23rd Aug 2012, 8:38 AM edit delete reply
I'd wager she never had a prayer against you.
Chris 23rd Aug 2012, 9:20 AM edit delete reply
CSI version: (after crushing her skull with a mace) "Looks like godhood isn't all it's... *shades* cracked up to be."

Biblical version: (after killing her, to her corpse) "Want to be a god? Come back in three days, then we'll talk."

14-year-old version: Kill her, then teabag.

...yeah, I've got nothing.
Zarhon 23rd Aug 2012, 1:31 PM edit delete reply
"I'd say she came pretty close to being the bi***-queen of the universe."
Digo 23rd Aug 2012, 6:22 AM edit delete reply
Prior "Super Hero" campaign. I played an interplanetary bounty hunter named Katt and my recent mission had me hunt down a rogue alien scientist who's hiding on Earth.
My character joined up with some super heroes; Vanessa (a super soldier), Johnny (an immortal), and Harmony (time manipulator).

A terrorist organization had hired the rogue scientist to make them some flashy atomic weapons. We found the base and broke in. As the team assaulted the base we happened upon the rogue scientist's right-hand human: a physicist named Dr. Freeman. The party sucks at interrogation.

Vanessa: "Tell us where you're keeping the bomb!"
Freeman: "Why should I tell you? What's my incentive?"
Johnny: "Hello, maybe we'll let you live."
Freeman: "Pah. You fools will get nothing out of me!"
Katt: "Fine, what are your demands, terrorist?"
Freeman: "We are a new world order. We have developed the strongest neutron bomb ever concieved and if your puny governments don't--"
Katt: **Shoots Freeman in the head**
Vanessa: "What did you do that for?!"
Katt: "I hate long-winded speeches. Besides, he told us everything we need to know. If its a neutron bomb, we're looking for Xrays and I know where that is."
Zuche 23rd Aug 2012, 6:26 AM edit delete reply
... Okay, you earned that one. Well done.
Grrys 23rd Aug 2012, 9:43 AM edit delete reply
Your DM's a Half-Life fan, isn't he?
Digo 23rd Aug 2012, 10:37 AM edit delete reply
More a fan of ripping off everyone elses ideas. :D
DanielLC 23rd Aug 2012, 10:46 AM edit delete reply
Dr. Freeman can talk?
Zarhon 23rd Aug 2012, 1:14 PM edit delete reply
Maybe it was Morgan Freeman though? I can imagine him as a talky villain.
waffle911 6th Sep 2012, 2:21 AM edit delete reply
Ever see "Lucky Number Slevin"? He's a villain of sorts in that one.
Zuche 23rd Aug 2012, 6:23 AM edit delete reply
I have a simple rule: You don't interrupt my monologues and I don't ambush your characters in the middle of coitus or difficult bowel movements.

Oh and don't you worry, Mr. Warforged, sir. I assure you I can find you several rough equivalents. On second thought, be very afraid.
Digo 23rd Aug 2012, 7:57 AM edit delete reply
Note to self-- NEVER break a deal with Zuche. :D
Zuche 23rd Aug 2012, 8:32 AM edit delete reply
Heh. Of course, some players like that sort of challenge and can play up to it. They also tend to offer the best lines when they interrupt a villain's monologue.

Also, I admit to having a distorted sense of fair play.
Digo 23rd Aug 2012, 9:30 AM edit delete reply
Most of my players tend to be timid, fear of their character dying some horrible death... So it's not easy when I'm a player because I tend to not back down so readily like they do.
Raxon 23rd Aug 2012, 3:27 PM edit delete reply
I'm likely to interrupt monologues, but not with combat, or anything that would keep the villain from speaking. I may have just remembered I was enjoying a date when I was brought here. No, by all means, please, continue talking. Don't mind me, I just need to get this out of my system. It's very hard to get my pants off while I'm in these chains, though. Oops, there we go. no no, don't get up. I can handle myself fine on my own, but thank you. Wow, that went rather fast. The human system must be more efficient while bound and in distress. I'll have to make a note of that for later so I can sell health bondage kits to the peasants.

What? A genuine persian rug, you say? That must have been expensive. Please tell me you have a really good maid. Why on earth would you even kidnap a guy while he's in the middle of a plump, delicious date like that one? Honestly, do you have any idea how much I paid for that?

I'll leave exactly what just happened to your imagination. Enjoy your brain bleach.
Lyntermas 23rd Aug 2012, 4:53 PM edit delete reply
No, no, no! I can't...control...the dark side of the alt-script!!!!

Villain: Well, I've kept the wizard and the barbarian in their prison cell for a few hours now. They're probably scared senseless, knowing that there's no escape. *Opens door* So, here are the "heroes" that dared to try...what are you...OH GOD.
Wizard: AAAHHH! You said he wasn't coming in here until tomorrow! Where are my pants...Um, Kat, can you undo your "leg lock"? I can't...
Barbarian: Sorry, sweetie. I'm strong enough to hold you here as long as I like. And I'm not letting go until you finish. *Looks at villain* It's his first time, you see. Now unless you're willing to watch...
Villain: I..I'm coming back in an hour. I gotta...I gotta...*rushes out and shuts the door*
Raxon 23rd Aug 2012, 7:22 PM edit delete reply
Hint: A date is a kind of fruit with lots of fiber in it.

I am a terrible hostage.
Zuche 24th Aug 2012, 6:43 AM edit delete reply
"Starring Raxon as Red Chief."

Thanks for the alt script, Lyntermas. After that, I can't begin to imagine how complicated the passing of figs would be.
sunbeam 23rd Aug 2012, 6:31 AM edit delete reply
The opening to my campaign basically requires that the heroes attack the bad-guy mid-monologue. That particular action is going to destroy the world and disrupt a precarious balance.
I know my players, and I'm reasonably confident it'll work.
Destrustor 23rd Aug 2012, 6:38 AM edit delete reply
We were recently at the DM's PC's side while his evil half-brother and his merry band of 32 mercenaries were about to murder him.
The fight was obviously hopeless should we ever be so foolish as to attack, so we were stalling, on the verge of accepting the half-brother's deal of "find the ancient legendary treasure for me and I'll let you live in whatever exile you choose".
Of course, being a good-aligned party, we weren't really liking this. So against all better judgement and as a predictable action from that player, the aasimar just attacks the guy mid-sentence.
And thanks to my DM's slightly overpowered PC and a bunch of neat crits (My dwarf monk cracked the half-bro's ribs, broke his leg and resisted a point-blank banshee's wail before angrily retorting "SHUT THE **** UP!!!"), our group of about six 8th level players managed to slaughter 32 level twelve mercenaries and a planned-to-be-recurring boss.
The cherry on top? When he saw the half-bro's soul going away to get ressurected in a clone, the aasimar cleric used a "rest in peace" spell to punt him into the afterlife and prevent anyone from raising him. No coming back for you, bro, and no more heir to the evil empire. HA!
That encounter sure escalated quickly and awesomely.
Old Fred 23rd Aug 2012, 6:38 AM Whoo! edit delete reply
Been a fan for awhile now. I'm finally playing a game of dungeons and dragons today.
XandZero2 23rd Aug 2012, 9:03 AM edit delete reply
Congrats man!

Hope you like it.
Zarhon 23rd Aug 2012, 1:15 PM edit delete reply
Make sure to describe the silly later.
Monkey Bone 23rd Aug 2012, 6:58 AM edit delete reply
I was DM'ing one time, and they came across one of their "recurring" baddies for the third time. He started going on in his monologue (he was the only one that did them) when someone in the party (I wanna say the rogue) straight up wails on him. Needless to say, the battle was short, but he was able to get away.

Next time he shows up, he forgoes the monologue, and he and his six rogue companions all catch them flat-footed...

They let the baddies have their monologues from that day forward :)
Lyntermas 23rd Aug 2012, 7:15 AM edit delete reply
I predicted the dragon would make a comment about the hypocrisy of ponies using force to maintain their world of love and tolerance on comic 159.

I did not predict that Rainbow Dash would hit him again. Well played.
Zarhon 23rd Aug 2012, 1:16 PM edit delete reply
Sparkles 23rd Aug 2012, 7:23 AM edit delete reply
I DM some games, and this comes up a lot. I once DM some One-Shot set in some floating islands in the sky, and my friend (playing a monk) had just beaten through most of the forces separating him and the Big Bad. He starts combat, flying kicking the Big Bad (a succubus). The succubus begins a monologue when she is effectively around 6 HP (under protective shield). However, the monk kept timing my speech (regardless of protest) and every six seconds would hammer away at the shield, eventually punching her through a stained glass window and causing her to explode.
So now, all my Big Bads have entangle, hold person, or other paralysis inducing traps just so they can monologue in peace.
Prof. Charles 23rd Aug 2012, 7:41 AM edit delete reply
not got any good stories about interupting a monolouge, but we once killed the end boss before she had chance to wake up.

it was a traveler game, and we were in some massive space station thingy. we had made our way to the core, where the boss was in stasis, surrounded by a forcefield on a hovering platform over a pool of liquid, which after some experimentation (read "dicking around") we discovered was explosive. the idea was that we had to deactivate the force field, the boss would wake up, give us an epic endgame speach followed by a 2 hour battle. what actualy happened was that we fired a plasma cannon at the top of the forcefield, where the generators where. this caused the blob of plasma to circle the fource field due to magnetics. we then discovered how to turn the forcefield of. the halo of plasma fell, hit the pool of liquid. the resulting concussive force shot the hovering platform straight up, smooshing her against the celing, instatly killing her and ending the game an hour and a half early.

fun times.
XandZero2 23rd Aug 2012, 9:06 AM edit delete reply
Sounds pretty anti-climactic.

I'd blame the GM for making a weak boss (;
Guest 23rd Aug 2012, 8:56 AM edit delete reply
Some Sith Lord was going on about how great he was and how stupid we were, so I just unleashed a wave of Force Lightening on him. For some reason, my party got mad at me.
Chris 23rd Aug 2012, 9:13 AM edit delete reply
My absolute favorite "screw your monologue" moment actually didn't involve attacking the offender.

I was DMing a group, who were supposed to find out why a local goblin tribe had been growing more aggressive of late. One of the characters, a female 1/2-orc fighter, was captured by said goblins when the party cleverly decided to split up while investigating the caverns. She was bound with rope and tossed in a cell, and told that "the boss" would be by to speak with her soon. She immediately started trying to gnaw through the ropes with her teeth.

A short while later, an elderly human mage was escorted into the cell by a few beefy goblins, and she and I had the following exchange (paraphrased from memory):

DM: (as mage) "So, the villagers thought you could stop us, eh? Don't you realize who you're up against?

Player: Is he talking to me?

DM: It's just you and the goblins in the room.

Player: I ignore him and keep chewing on the ropes.

DM: "Don't you see what I've accomplished here? Soon, I will... um, are you listening?"

Player: Still chewing.

DM: He looks confused. Clearly, he was expecting you to be interested in what he had to say.


DM: "Right, um... soon, I will have united the goblin tribes under my banner, and [the town] will fall! But of course, that's only the beginning. Why, even as we speak, my minions are, are... um, excuse me, could you stop trying to escape and pay attention for a minute?"

Player: *pantomimes chewing on the rope*

DM: The mage huddles with the goblins for a moment. Then he looks back up. "Listen here, you mongrel. I've spent a long time on this plan, do you want to hear it or not?"

(poor guy didn't know much about villainy except what he'd read in books, if you haven't gathered. The only reason the goblins were listening to him is because it suited their own purposes, but he fancied himself a right proper Sauruman)

Player: Are my hands free yet?

DM: Not even close.

Player: Then I keep chewing.

DM: The mage throws his hands up in the air. "Fine! Ignore me at your peril! There will be others! Guards, hold her here- and get some iron chains or something to bind her with, before she manages to actually chew through that rope."

She was eventually rescued, but the party never did capture the mage, nor find out what was supposedly going on with the goblins (which caused some major complications later, but that's another story). Still, I think all the players agreed it was totally worth not knowing for the look on the mage's face when his villain monologue got apathy-d to death.
Ranubis 23rd Aug 2012, 9:33 AM edit delete reply
Yes! I love this story, nothing like having a villain who's almost the opposite of genre-savvy.
XandZero2 23rd Aug 2012, 9:25 AM edit delete reply
You know, I've actually mentioned this story once before, but in a Dragon Age RP session, I had a party of five going down into a dungeon to face a demonically-possessed elf ("abomination" for those who haven't played DA).

Well, the party consisted of two Mages, two Rogues, and one Warrior. I had a strong feeling that if I went by the module guidelines, the fight would be over quick, and it wouldn't be very memorable either - so I decided to spice things up a bit.

When the PCs walked down into the abomination's lair, I've got the floor covered in bones. Of course, the players don't think anything of this. They're just thinking - Boss ahead. Kill! Kill! Kill!

I have the abomination sitting on a throne in the center of the room. He welcomes the PCs like any good villain, but before he can say much else, one of the rogues hauls off and nails him with an arrow. The guy even got a crit!

So he strips the boss of a 6th of his health, but I just pretend that the abomination didn't even feel it.

He grabs the arrow stuck in his shoulder and turns it to ash. As the ashes fall to the floor, the rogue starts panicking. That display gave the others pause, so then they decide to start talking a bit, and the abomination says something like how he's going to enslave the human race and get vengeance for his people.

Someone says, "Oh yeah? You and what army?"

-That's when all the players feel a bony grip on their ankles, then two skeletons rise up from the floor and hold each PC at sword point.

And the PC says something along the lines of - "Oh."

-Funny thing is, even with that perfect set-up, the abomination still didn't get his monologue in!
Ranubis 23rd Aug 2012, 9:31 AM edit delete reply
Don't know if last night's Pony Tales campaign really counts as attacking mid-monologue, but damn if it wasn't satisfying how the party dealt with the scenario our oh-so-kind DM Dan put us in. You guys agree?
Oblivious 23rd Aug 2012, 10:15 AM edit delete reply
Which part? The fact that we squeaked by during that scenario, or the fact that we sicced Dawn, the Diamond Golem, on Pony Satan?
Zarhon 23rd Aug 2012, 1:24 PM edit delete reply
I think it was more the part where he threw his big fancy energy lance at the golem's chest and he simply flicked it aside.

Or the fact that his monologue chance was ruined by the PCs ripping off the roof of the castle (as opposed to entering through the front door), leaving him stuttering in rage and shock.
Karilyn 23rd Aug 2012, 2:21 PM edit delete reply
Not really. I think he was too shocked to ever start monologing...

This week in Pony Tales:

Treachery saves Alcazar's life!

Starlight asks Scrapper to put shackles on her!

A cutie mark critical in Persuasion results in the death of a hundred Nightmares, a thousand creepy insectoid changeling bug things, and reduces the shadow of Mephisto to a red smear on the ground! Talk about the power of words!

Scrapper makes plans to poison Soaring Song!
Ranubis 23rd Aug 2012, 5:21 PM edit delete reply
That was some CMC this session. I mean, here I am all happy that I managed to get three criticals of my own, one giving me some theme music and the other saving Inky's life shortly after I saved Soaring, and here comes Inky Quills getting a CMC to ally a Diamond Golem, who procceds to rout an army of Nightmares and crush the mental representation of the BBEG. Oh, and saving the mind of our long-lost team member. How many sessions ago did we lose her again?
Karilyn 23rd Aug 2012, 6:21 PM edit delete reply
Seven sessions.

And to be fair, it was the diamond golem, or let Heat Wave die for good, as we had about 10 minutes to get out of her mind at that point, due to "Starlight catch me!" "What? Inky NOOOOOOOOO!" destabilizing the entire dreamscape.

We like to cut things close.
Ranubis 23rd Aug 2012, 8:58 PM edit delete reply
Wow, seven sessions? Props to Dragryphon for putting up with us for so long.

And honestly, most of the destabilization blame should fall on me, with the whole 'extra pony going in after the spell is started' thing. Slightly balanced out with how I nearly died just trying to get in to help your plots.
Oblivious 24th Aug 2012, 6:24 AM edit delete reply
What about us? Wasn't just Draggy who put up with it, or did you forgot that being forced to fight our former friend made this side plot the main one for a while, not to mention our Harmony drop like a lead weight? In any case, I'm just happy we survived (albeit barely), and can move on with the new main and side plots we have, including the True History of Shadows, working with Pony Stark, and just how long Soaring and Scrapper will remain civilized over their mutual love for Starlight.
Karilyn 24th Aug 2012, 6:48 AM edit delete reply
I'm particularly interesting in seeing how Treachery and Hallowed Heart turn out.
Oblivious 24th Aug 2012, 7:48 PM edit delete reply
Yes, hopefully our resident Nightmares will turn out to be lovable and hug-able. Otherwise, we're boned.
Jarimor 23rd Aug 2012, 9:55 AM edit delete reply
never call the king of the borderlands (in the looking glass wars wonderland) a his 'castle' his guest tent...surrounded by NAMED bodyguards...without an army bigger than his at your back.

Isher 23rd Aug 2012, 10:24 AM edit delete reply
I did the opposite, once. I made a villain who attacked while talking XD
He was incredibly psychotic, though. Is anyone familiar with the Exalted spell, 'Sanctify the Wicked'? Well, I looked around, and there didn't seem to be a corresponding Vile spell, so I just made one up, Corrupt the Innocent. Sanctify the Wicked traps an evil being in a gem for a year, and turns them good. Corrupt the Innocent does the opposite. So this guy was literally a human with a soul of pure evil, like a demon. So he'd kind of... lose patience with his own speech, and just start cutting the PCs and laughing. They fought him three or four times before they finally beat him... First few times he'd cut them to ribbons and wander off because he didn't want them to die yet; they'd stop bleeding if he killed them.
JSchunx 23rd Aug 2012, 12:00 PM edit delete reply
Oooh, now that IS a good idea! I'd never really considered a counterpart to 'Sanctify the Wicked'. Totally makes sense, though. Or at least as much sense as the original spell.
Icefox 23rd Aug 2012, 11:04 AM edit delete reply
I GM a Dresden Files game (with the Fate system rather than D&D) and we've got a few recurring villains. One of them, Nicodemus, was fairly well known among the PCs for his conversations.

First time the group met him, all went well. Actually, a bit too well; our rogue actually accepted the deal with the devil, and I had to start playing the part of a quirky demoness as well as all of the other NPCs.

Second time they met, the entire group was there, including a Knight of the Cross, one of Nick's sworn enemies. However, the Rogue and the Scout were in the middle of a minor feud, and after several attempts to get them to shut up and resume the actual plot, Nicodemus and the Knight ended up flipping them the bird and going to the nearest bar until they calmed down/killed each other.

That was one of the most fun conversations I've ever done.
Nocturne 23rd Aug 2012, 11:20 AM edit delete reply
That was actually one of the funnier encounters we've done, to be honest. I'm still waiting for someone to make the setup for that "Bull in a China Shop" joke.
kriss1989 24th Aug 2012, 9:49 AM edit delete reply
Ahh Old Nick, who can monologue due to sheer immortality. I'm also running a Dresden-verse game. I have a Wizard, a Ventori Umbrum operative, and a psycopomp scion.
Jarrakul 23rd Aug 2012, 11:52 AM edit delete reply
I'm kind of an evil DM, so mostly my villains only monologue when the players are well and truly at their mercy. There was one major exception, however. The villain in question was a duke who'd defected from his country and gone into exile, but he still needed to tie up a few loose ends (by which I mean kill his wife). The party accidentally let him into the castle where the duchess was living, and the duke proceeded to kill her in front of the party. The duke then proceeds to start monologing at the party, and the party starts arguing back. So, with the duchess's body still warm, the party is just talking to the game's main antagonist, who's freshly weakened from the fight with his wife. Now, during this whole mess, one party member still hasn't made it into the castle. He finally manages to get in while the rest of the party is talking. He looks down and sees the duchess's corpse, looks up and sees the duke, and the player looks up and me and says two words: "I attack." It was pretty awesome.
Digo 23rd Aug 2012, 1:18 PM edit delete reply
Finally, someone got the hint. :D
Yinan 23rd Aug 2012, 12:44 PM edit delete reply
Well, one time in our DSA group (or TBE as it would be called outside of germany ^^) there was this one villain we had at the end of a pretty long and harsh adventure. Of course, he started to monologue (as every Villain should do). Our Dwarf didn't like that, and used his Crowssbow (a very powerfull one) to shoot the Villain while he held his monologue.
Turned out that the shot would instantly kill the Villain (yeah, thats pretty normal in TBE... people die there pretty easy -.-) So our DM went "Fortifex!" and the Crowssbow Bolt hit an invisible wall right in front of the Villain instead of the Villain himself... was a spell that was put into an artifact ^^

Since that time he never gave us a chance again to do kill a villain while holding a monologue by either making the Villain so strong that attacking him head on would be suicide or the Villain would be in a different location and speaking through us via a holograph like image ^ ^
Cain 23rd Aug 2012, 12:57 PM edit delete reply
surprisingly, none from the nutjob squad for this theme...
Ranubis 23rd Aug 2012, 5:16 PM edit delete reply
Not yet, at least. Do remember all the stories we've had up to this point came from last year, and now the semi-stabilizing element of Davven the paladin has been removed. Can't wait to hear the antics of a team being either lead by the Minotaur or your thief.
xuincherguixe 23rd Aug 2012, 1:14 PM edit delete reply
I'd like to think I'm unique in that I'll sit there and listen to what the villains have to say.

If you let them ramble long enough they'll expose their weaknesses.

Awhile back I was in one game, there was an evil druid who was manipulating a tribe of goblins into attacking a settlement. The goblins were themselves no real threat, but it would be a distraction and cause the kingdom to be forced to divert resources when it was already stretched thin. Basically the antagonists actually have a plan. I'm still not 100% on what it actually is, but I have my suspicions.

Anyways we capture the guy. He's rambling on about justice and honor and civilization. But between his stubbornness, arrogance, and hypocrisy I don't think I ever really understood what his motivations actually were beyond that he didn't like the kingdom. We tried talking to him but it didn't get us anywhere.

Finally I decided to just play to his level. Take advantage of his arrogance and proneness to anger. Essentially, play the role of the bad cop. Believed in the kingdom and never questioned anything. He was against it so he had to be evil right?

He bought it completely. And why wouldn't he? He was so caught up in himself why would he imagine that anyone would be able to manipulate him?

Listen to the monologue. Your enemy is telling you how to defeat him.
Akouma 23rd Aug 2012, 1:22 PM edit delete reply
I tend to avoid monologues, although on the rare occasions I or someone else gives them, we all listen because we actually steer pretty clear of combat when possible.
BuffaloBrony 23rd Aug 2012, 1:40 PM edit delete reply
Actually - the BASH Supers RPG has rules SPECIFICALLY regarding monologues and interrupting them. If the heroes interrupt a villain's monologue - the villain gets a Villain die - which can be used to add damage to attacks, pull off Deus ex machina type effects like change the environment, or escape for free, etc. So interrupting a monologue is generally a BAD idea...

Anyways - what's even better than interrupting a villain in the middle of a monologue is FAILING to do so effectively.

In our last campaign, the hero team had been in cadet training at the UN hero academy. Several training scenarios dealt with fighting a well known wanted super villain. Bad things happen, the world's "justice league equivalent" A-team gets curb stomped, and our cadet team gets promoted to the big leagues. Eventually - they end up facing said villain.

The villain starts monologing, and the team martial artist decides to interrupt with an attack, giving the villain a villain die. Now - he had already HAD one (as a recurring villain that they weren't supposed to beat yet). Worse yet - the player utterly botched his attack roll, whiffing with an attack roll that wouldn't have hit a minion, let alone a named supervillain.

So the villain uses the villain die he just got to catch the punch and contemptuously throw the marshal artist back at the feet of his friends (for no damage other than his pride), and then continue. "Now, as I was saying..."

The rest of the team wisely let the monologues flow after that point... :)
xuincherguixe 23rd Aug 2012, 2:11 PM edit delete reply
If I was playing with that system? I'd be walking around during the monologue placing little metal boxes in close proximity to the villain.

The mystery boxes may or may not do anything.
Raxon 23rd Aug 2012, 3:12 PM edit delete reply
I like it. It just needs one little touch. Perhaps big red labels that say "Not a bomb" on them.
Guest 23rd Aug 2012, 3:35 PM edit delete reply
Before the evil villain was even through his first sentence, Dan stands up and announces "I scream douchebag and shoot lighting from my eyes!" We all were shocked... but not as much as the villain was.
The Random NPC 23rd Aug 2012, 5:14 PM edit delete reply
My best mid monologue attack. I was playing a Wizard in a solo 3.5 D&D game, I got ambushed by a Derro who started monologuing about how he would play with me, queue the acid splash to the face. But that isn't the end, I got knocked unconscious, and woke up hanging from the ceiling. I coaxed the Derro to start monologuing again, and proceeded to acid splash him again. I ended up tricking the same Derro into monologuing four times, and every time he received an acid splash for his trouble.
InvisibleDale 23rd Aug 2012, 6:02 PM edit delete reply
The best situation I can remember was a marilith demon with a legion of lesser demons was monologing on what she was going to do with us. The DM had established that this particular one was very much prideful and never backed down from a challenge. The leader of the player group interrupted her and challenged her to SINGLE combat. She accepted the challenge and told her legion to return inside the keep. As she came out to fight him, he says, "OK guys let's get her." 8 to 1, short fight, dead demoness. Fighter was CN. She never knew what hit her. ^_^'
Kyouhen 23rd Aug 2012, 6:12 PM edit delete reply
Hoooo boy do I have a good one for that.

So it was early in a D&D 3.5 campaign, there were 3 of us and were were levels 3 or 4. I was playing a psionic awakened squirrel. (So much fun. I miss little Dogen...)

So we're on a mission to raid an enemy general's mansion and have found him in a very nicely set up arena. He's one level above us on the stairs, with more stairs leading to either side up to a pair of balconies flanking us with 2 wizards each. General himself's a big guy with a pair of axes that are clearly heavily enchanted too. Not going to be an easy fight.

So the guy starts monologuing. Going on about how foolish we are and how superior his side is and so on and so forth. Dogen has a bit of an ego and doesn't like taking that crap from people, so he does what any self-respecting psion does. Spends a full round summoning larval flayers. :P I managed to suppress the display, so the guy just keeps talking. Suddenly he's surrounded by little squids that are trying to grab his face and eat his brains. Bit of a rude interruption.

So clearly annoyed he casually walks down the stairs in that I-can-crush-you-in-a-heartbeat kind of way, drawing his weapons as he comes. At the bottom our Warlock fires off her wand of Web and he fails to get clear.

My turn again, I decide to show him the squirrel's the scariest thing in the room. I rush him and place a pretty feather on his hat. I then jumped away and yelled "Tree!" This was the point when the DM realized why I kept pointing out I had several feathers tied to my back. One failed massive damage roll later and there's a thoroughly flattened general and a new skylight. And of course I set the tree on fire for good measure. :P

What we found out after is that there were actually several pages of planned dialogue and plot-points this guy was supposed to tell us. He was going to be one of those jerks who keeps monologuing and going on and on while casually stopping all of your attacks and beating you down. And all he could do was draw his weapons. Oddly enough after that the only enemies that monologued in front of us were the epic-level wizards who could just ignore anything we'd throw at them to shut them up. :P
Demonu 23rd Aug 2012, 6:46 PM edit delete reply
Getting interrupted mid "Grand Monologue about how I (insert villain) will do (insert villainous thing) to you/the world/your loved ones"? Oh yeah, I've got a story about that.

Remember a long time ago when I said bandits invaded the Five Fathers' home town, held the school hostage and shit hit the fan? Well, let me elaborate on that.

So yeah, a local bandit lord somehow got the idea in his head that he could strong-arm the town into giving in to all his demands, be it money, food, supplies or whatever if he was threatening them by holding the school, the teachers and the children hostage. Now, he didn't know (or couldn't have known) that a very peculiar girl was attending said school and that said peculiar girl had 5 people watching after her. So his luck pretty much ran out when the party returned to the town and found out that Sarah was in peril.
There was going to be blood...

Anyway, the party made their way down to the local school. The bandits had created a rudimentary barricade mostly consisting of carriages with the wheels broken and school property stashed next to it. The group arrives at the "impasse" and the bandit lord starts making his demands:

Bandit Lord: Citizens of Whitbread (it was the name of the beer I was drinking at the time), I have captured your children and will do unspeakable things to them if you do not comply to my demands. First, I want...
Jef (rogue): I hit him between the eyes.
Me: Excuse me?
Jef: I throw my dagger at him, between the eyes.
(roll doesn't make it, bandit lord ducks out of the way unimpressed)
BL: As I said, I want all the gold in the town and...
Mike (paladin): I throw my hammer at his face.
Me: Seriously?
Mike: Yeah.
(roll goes bad, hammer flies over BL's head as he dodges)
BL: Quit it! Now, as I was saying. I want all the gold in the town and...
Tim (wizard): I throw a fireball at him.
Me: Okay guys, can't you just wait for me to finish his monologue?
Tim: Not in character, we can't
Me: Fine...
(Fireball misses by mere inches, BL's hair get singed)
BL: CUT THAT OUT! I'm trying to tell you how to avoid any trouble for your town and...
Jim (figher): I throw Jef at him!
Me: Oh come on!
Jef: He wouldn't expect that so that means it's a sneak attack, right?

Long story short, through some convoluted reasoning and good dice rolls, Jef managed to sneak attack the bandit lord despite being hurled straight at him. There's nothing quite like backstabbing someone in mid-flight. So the bandit lord pretty much got crippled from that attack and IT WAS ON LIKE A SIMIAN COPYRIGHTED BY NINTENDO!

As you would imagine, the party made short work of the bandit troops outside and fought their way into the school. But inside waited one last surprise.

But as that doesn't have anything to do with the comic at hand, perhaps I'll break it off here...
wubwubwub 23rd Aug 2012, 7:38 PM edit delete reply
You fiend!
Ranubis 23rd Aug 2012, 9:01 PM edit delete reply
Ok, a sneak attack toss? Me likey.
Zuche 24th Aug 2012, 7:34 AM edit delete reply
Huh. I was more impressed with how a meaningful name meant you set your team up to rescue a princess.

I'm not sure how Jef would get a sneak attack from being thrown, considering he'd already acted in that round. Then again, it would have been appropriate to turn the rogue into a pincushion after the first shot. It's not like the bandit was attempting to perform showtunes here.
Demonu 24th Aug 2012, 8:09 AM edit delete reply
Well, no one had rolled initiative yet so technically, they weren't in combat. It was all still role playing up to this point. This means that Jef had First Strike and Sneak Attack lined up to go.
Zuche 24th Aug 2012, 8:21 AM edit delete reply
Except that he'd attacked once already.
Demonu 24th Aug 2012, 11:06 AM edit delete reply
The throwing stuff at the bandit lord came before the combat encounter started.
CJT 23rd Aug 2012, 8:22 PM edit delete reply
The best one I interrupted was in a dream sequence. Mekton Zeta (anime-themed game), with a campaign where all citizens drive transforming cars and arena mecha battles are Japan's main sport (albeit with strong rules against actually killing anyone).

We'd just taken down Master Planner Alpha (the first of a series of super-robots built by the mysterious bad guys). The ambiguous adversary/ally GMPC shows up... and Master Planner revives, grabs his puny human-scale form, and proceeds to crush the life out of him.

What the DM did not expect was for me to say "I shoot the hand". My character's car was (illegally) modded to fire while in vehicle mode, and my character was the sharpshooter/artillery type in the party.

Didn't stop the dream sequence, but certainly earned style points.

Uninterruptable monologues happen semi-regularly in the Pathfinder campaign I'm now in. NPC allies do them when we ask for advice bout plot hooks, when the Mysterious Supermage reveaeled that she was an elf, and so on. Those we sit through for political expediency. NPC enemy leaders also do it pretty regularly in parley... but being the good guys, we have to sit there and listen do it rather than breaking our world's equivalent of the Geneva Conventions with our armies eyeball to eyeball with each other.

Fun times.
MyLittleSonicRainboo 23rd Aug 2012, 9:45 PM My Little Sonic Rainboom edit delete reply
Interrupted monologue? This situation is explored humorously in this scene of The Gamers movie.

BTW, these hilarious movies are REQUIRED VIEWING by all Fantasy RPG gamers:

• Watch The Gamers in it's entirety
• Watch the sequel The Gamers: Dorkness Rising
• About the third movie The Gamers: Hands Of Fate
Asheram 24th Aug 2012, 11:38 AM edit delete reply
A Third "The Gamers"?! Must contribute!
Bronymous 24th Aug 2012, 12:18 PM edit delete reply
Your picture looks so familiar...
MyLittleSonicRainboo 24th Aug 2012, 3:14 PM My Little Sonic Rainboom edit delete reply
My avatar is from the excellent MLP fan comic Dragon You Over and I'm using this image with the artist's permission. The comic is so good that I've donated a good amount of money to the artist. You’ll need to change Allowed Ratings to see the entire story instead of only the comic pages with the General rating because...well, you know...NSFW reasons. ;)
Bronymous 24th Aug 2012, 11:37 PM edit delete reply
I know where its from. I was attempting to insinuate that you were using Rule34 but trying to hide it. Obviously I was mistaken.
MyLittleSonicRainboo 25th Aug 2012, 1:14 AM My Little Sonic Rainboom edit delete reply
Yeah, but I'm tired of having to hide it. I get why there's a lot of brony hate for this issue. I do. I have a lot to say on this topic, but I'll just address one key point instead.

Rule 34 is not why I love the TV show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I enjoy the show as is. And R34 is just something that I was into before the show existed.
Stairc 24th Aug 2012, 12:24 AM Pony Tales - Level Up Expansion! edit delete reply
Hey Everyone, thanks to the great work of Newbiespud himself and our fantastic Pony Tales Community - there is now a full level-up system in Pony Tales! No more waiting, now you can put all that harmony to use with the open beta of the level up system. My group is cruising at level 4 right now, I can't wait to hear more stories about the brand new mechanics in action

Check out the good ol, Player's Handbook and scroll down to the leveling up section below the sample character sheets.

Also, got to love Corrupted Pencil's incredible new cover art for the Player's Handbook.
Blake Black 24th Aug 2012, 3:01 AM The Dark Mage edit delete reply
I learned two things, one never interrupt a villian when he's monologing, it a good chance to feel like the wind if you can. And two, make sure that when you join a game that you know that the bad guy isn't the cruicble for and elder god and suck everything into a brine shrimp dimension when you drop a chandalier on his head. Would have been nice to know that beforehand
Jellybean 24th Aug 2012, 9:31 AM edit delete reply
I actually just shared this one last strip, but I'll repeat it here since it's so very germaine to the topic:

So many years back I was the late arrival to a campaign that had been running for quite a while. The party had started at fifth level, and by the time I joined they were sixteenth, which incidentally led to me creating one of my favorite characters by the simple expedient of needing to come up with a reason why someone would still be adventuring at that point without a quest.

Anyway. Our games took place at one of two locations, switching every week. One of those two locations was the home of the couple that played in the game. The wife played an archer, and was in fact one of the most bloodthirsty members of our party, albeit in an understated way. One evening when we were playing at their house, a prolonged bout of diplomacy had occurred with an NPC while she was cooking dinner. Fifteen minutes in she peeks her head in from the kitchen and asks, "So is this in-character dithering or out-of-character dithering?"

There's a pause as everyone looks to one another, then someone says, "In-character, I guess"

At which she looks at the GM and says, "Okay, I shoot the guy in the head."
kriss1989 24th Aug 2012, 10:13 AM edit delete reply
I don't interrupt villains monologues with attacks. I interrupt by paying attention and asking questions. Lots of questions. Even if the villain keeps saying "I'm getting to that part!". After getting a fith villain to scream at my character to shut up, I came up with a better version. I just had to prepair and wait for the right moment. It came in our next campaign.

So our group had been fighting a reoccurring evil cult, the main villains of that campaign, and working our way up the command chain and busting up cells. So by then we really knew what was going on with them, their motivations and screames and whatnot. We had finally worked our way up to the national head of the cult, who in his shpeal revealed that the cult was international, other nations were fully under it's control, blah blah blah. And the whole time the group and the DM are looking at me and waiting for me to interupt and I don't. When he's finally done, I start a counter monologue. I basically rip into his philosophy and beliefs, the cults goals and methods, everything. And to make it worse, I pointed out that I could have done a better plan faster, but won't say how so the DM/the cult won't get any ideas. And honestly, I had a lot of better ideas. From what we'd seen, the bad guys really only did as well as they had due to plot convenience rather than logic.
Bronymous 24th Aug 2012, 12:19 PM edit delete reply
I would interrupt villians mid-monologue, but they never make it that far. They're lucky to get a syllable out before the fight starts.
ShadowDragon8685 24th Aug 2012, 12:37 PM edit delete reply
It occurs to me that there's a reason most of the monologue-interrupting is in Fantasy settings: the necessity to actually be there.

In any setting after the invention of the speaking tube, the villain can deliver his monologue from safety removed from the player's maniacal actions. For extra bonus points, you can even have him pre-record the monologue; a phonograph machine makes it classy. (Though technically the BBEG could do this in any setting post-dating the invention of writing, the phonograph is necessary for maximum Victorian class.)

Obviously, the higher the technology level, the better and more robust the options become. These days, the villain could monologue at them through a video conference from the other side of the world; in a galaxy far, far away, they could real-time holocomm them, taunting the players while they're in their own ship, from the safety of being on an anonymous world/vessel half the galaxy away or more.

But I still think the phonograph is the classiest way to do it.
Demonu 24th Aug 2012, 4:03 PM edit delete reply
A phonograph or any recorded message because 20% cooler when combined with
Blood Red Xandman 24th Aug 2012, 7:50 PM edit delete reply
WHile not a monolouge per-say, it's close;

I had my guys runing through a premade for PF, and they were joining a cult to bring it down from the outside. One of the initiation things is that they have to fight in an arena, last man standing gets the night off from back-breaking work. Now, one of the guys is a druid varient, who has a baby roc for an animal companion. He decided that, to call his rock to him, he had to cast a summon animal spell... which he then got into the "super awesome amount of animals appear" section of the table. He then asked me if he could have a full-grown roc appear. I told him he could, if he rolled a 47.

I'm sitting in my room, trying to figure out what to do w/ the smoldering ruins of my campaign.
LadyDragon 25th Aug 2012, 2:23 AM edit delete reply
I managed to avoid the monologue interruption once, completely by accident. My villain happened to be an epic-level enchanter who'd been toying with the party for most of the campaign, whether they knew it or not. He showed up for one fight with some pet monsters, which was another of his favorite things to use and was doing very except for one thing. One of my players had a VERY annoying ninja that was basically impossible to locate most of the time. He tried to attack and revealed himself, and I was forced to employ drastic measures - dominate person. Naturally, he failed.

Suddenly, my villain had a new toy. He kidnapped the ninja, had him do his bidding for a bit, then monologued to his captive audience without fear of reprisal. THEN, using the spell Programmed Amnesia, temporarily wiped the memory of the event from his mind and then simply gave him back to the party some days later.

Fast forward to the final encounter and he triggers the memory of the conversation, revealing his plans once it was far too late >D
TDR 26th Aug 2012, 3:07 AM edit delete reply
My group was running campaign where a god had been feeding off the power of another goddess. And we were supposed to rescue the goddess that was being eaten.

A priestess of the snackable goddess informed us that so long as we kept the goddess in our thoughts and mind as the goddess would draw power from our thoughts of her to fight back against the god that was eating her.

Well as the main bad god went on his little tirade before us One of the players evidently thought of something mid speech and while the DM was still talking yelled out suddenly.

"Don't think about the lady."

he was under the impression that telling some one not to think about something would imidiately make them think about it. Suffice to say the DM agreed and our buff with much better from the goddess as even the evil god had her stuck in his mind for her to draw power from.
Kyman201 26th Aug 2012, 3:19 PM edit delete reply
As a Scion Storyteller, I personally award stunt dice for "Attacking Mid-Monologue". I realized this rule when I saw a playthrough of Asura's Wrath, which lets you interrupt almost any enemy's speech, usually with the prompt of "Shut [Enemy] Up!"
Evii 2nd Sep 2012, 8:02 PM edit delete reply
Star Wars campaign. Big showdown with a Force-using Sith Pureblood boss guy. The Jedi of the group begins to barter with him. The Sith begins to explain how he'd rather just kill everyone then take the prize. As he says this, the Jedi says "Oh that's nice. I mean, that's what I would SEVER FORCE!!" One stupidly high roll later, the Sith got crippled to a point that he became completely anti-climactic.
Chronologist 6th Sep 2012, 7:35 PM edit delete reply
A character of mine had one of his eyes cut out by an evil priest. When he confronted said priest in his underground cathedral, the following exchange occurred:

Priest: Mwahahaha, so good of you to drop by, Roderick. It's been too lo- (my character counts to six under his breath, pulls a bead of fireball off his necklace and tosses it at the priest. The priest shrieks as it starts to melt his pipe organ)

Priest: You insolent wretch! I'll rip the flesh from your bones, you meddlesome inter- (my character counted to 6, pulls of a more powerful bead, and tosses it at the priest who shrieks).

Roderick (me): I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of your flesh roasting.
Bangor MC 3rd 7th Oct 2012, 6:33 PM edit delete reply
I had an incident like that in a DnD 3.5, against a fellow party member. He (a long-winded sorcerer) challenged my cleric to a fight. So the first thing I did was rev up my spell-storing mace, and put up an anti-magic field. He went off on a monologue about a 'proper magical duel', and every six seconds real-time, I whacked him with the mace. At about half health he started going 'Hey, wait, you just can't keep...' to which I replied 'whack'. He was honestly so intent on his speech that I knocked him down to 12 health with an 8 strength cleric and a +1 bonus mace before he finally just yielded.
After that, no more speeches in combat from him.
Guest 8th Nov 2012, 1:52 PM edit delete reply
Meh, interrupting the villain's monologue is honestly getting kind of old hat in itself. Not to mention kind of lacking in style, and the only villains such an attempt should ever actually catch by surprise are the amateurs anyway. (Professional ones have no excuse to not be ready for it.)

And of course, the shoe may as well fit on the other foot on occasion...
Avatar 29th Nov 2012, 1:14 PM edit delete reply
I once had a villain who confronted our heroes twice as they progressed up a tower to give an evil speech, then fled upstairs, leaving minions behind. Each time, the new guy in the party insisted on charging in the middle of the villain's monologue and successfully hit him the second time. By the top of the tower, the villain tried to talk again, and sure enough, "I charge!" This time, the henchmen had readied actions... and nets. Lesson: never interrupt the monologue of the same NPC more than once.
Blackwolf 8th Oct 2013, 12:29 PM edit delete reply
One time I was at a DnD encounters where we faced off against the big bad. I tried to pull a Conan style "Enough talk" and blast him before he could start monologing. In a rare example, the other players ganged up on me and prevented this happening. Unfortunately for them it left the big bad open to get slain by the minmaxer and all the loot stolen by the rogue. Party walked off with nothing.