Page 325 - Enhanced Negotiation

17th Aug 2013, 6:00 AM in Swarm of the Century
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Enhanced Negotiation
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Author Notes:

Newbiespud 17th Aug 2013, 6:00 AM edit delete
"Trot softly and carry a rainbow pony."

It seems ComicFury's host servers had a small fit, so my apologies if the site was wonky for you last night.

Against all odds, I'm up to about 20 pages in guest comics for the upcoming sabbatical. It's getting to the point where I need to find out how many I'm going to have by the end of the month so I can figure out the update schedule for those two months. If you're still in the process of making a guest page and haven't contacted me in a while, I'd appreciate it if you checked in at

Notice: Guest comic submissions are open! Guidelines here. Deadline: January 27th, 2023.



Raxon 17th Aug 2013, 6:00 AM edit delete reply
Good job, Spud. A fantastic story arc all around. Story time today is about screwing someone over in a very big way. I'll be starting, since I actually have a good one for this.

This is the story I have been saving.

First, allow me to give you a little bit of background info. The character's name is Raxon Dunwich. He is a Chaotic Good, or possibly Neutral Good epic level wizard/monk/bard from a custom world I built, full of elves, goblins, pixies, and all manner of creatures. It is a high fantasy crapsack world where everything is trying to kill you. Also, there are dragons. But I decided D&D dragons were too small. I decided they weren't dangerous enough. I modified them to be taurs, but with a third pair of legs instead of arms. Since there's a 10/1 female to male ratio, they live in broods, where a male will have several mates. The male deals with territorial issues, and protecting their brood from other males, as well as such things as dragonslayers. They also hunt for their brood, which can be a full time job.

Females on the other hand, are expected to police their brood, and have an extremely complex social structure compared to males. if you attack a male, chances are fairly good that you might just have to deal with him. If you attack a female, chances are that all the other females, and possibly the male will run to her aid and curbstomp you. And if you do manage to defeat the ten females and one male, now you get to fight the two or three hundred juveniles. Dragonslayers tend to not live long. Males are dominant, because they are larger, more powerful, and must act as guardians for their mates and offspring. They are huge sociopaths who see all things that are not dragons as food, property, or slaves. Mortals are the ideal vassals, because they fit all three categories. Females, on the other hand, can also be quite aggressive, but they tend to be less about 'dragon superiority' and more 'TRESPASS IN MY NEST AND DIE!' Females can be tamed. Males absolutely cannot. Well, Raxon managed to capture a small, splintered brood. He shoved them into a pocket dimension where time doesn't move. One adult female, and forty five broodlings. Forty females, and five males. This should give you an idea of just how damn overpowered he used to be before he lost his status as avatar of chaos, and the mantle of gatekeeper, and then got reduced from essentially unlimited power, down to merely a force of nature.

Cut to the future, a little over 800 years later. How he got there, I will explain some other time, and boy is that a can of worms. He is now in the DCU now, having been displaced first from his home Earth, and then from another Earth. Again, complicated and really not important, though I would like to point out that I didn't just build a world. I build a whole multiverse and created a whole new way(as far as I know) for ir to function. I'll save that for another time, because it deals with too many high concepts to get into here. Now, he is in a New Earth(wink wink) where he's really not anything special. So, what did he do?

Raxon offered one lucky country a wish, to be decided by lottery. China was the lucky country who managed to rig the lottery successfully and gain the wish. There were certain limitations, but none of them were terribly limiting, as long as the wish was within his power to grant. China wished for the greatest superweapon in the world that wouldn't violate the Geneva Convention.

Raxon gave them a dragon. It was a small juvenile male, no older than forty five years of age. He was only about 80 feet tall, and 160 feet long. The dragon was insulted that these mortals dared to order him like a dog, so he went on a rampage. A few days later, the dragon was treating the chinese army like his own personal buffet. The chinese government beseeched Raxon to help. He offered to sell them an older dragon that would command the loyalty of the younger. They gladly paid his price, and he dropped the older dragon off.

The two dragons met up, the older one established dominance, and all was well... Until the mortals ordered them to aid in cleaning up the gigantic trail of destruction left behind. This angered the elder dragon. Now there were two dragons systematically destroying China.

China called upon Raxon to help them, and he suggested that a female would be much more loyal, and would serve to mellow out the elder... for twice the previous fee. It was a high price, but China was too worried to care.

Raxon dropped off the female, and she met up with the two males. He was right, she was extremely loyal to the elder. She also did mellow him out. He wasn't raging anymore. Now, rather than attacking wildly, they were working their way more efficiently across China, and the death rate doubled.

Finally, Raxon showed up and offered to remove the dragons from China, for four times the previous fee.

China was at a loss. Nothing they had could harm them, and they dared not risk nukes that might just anger the dragons further.

The grievous cost was paid, and Raxon took back the three dragons. Raxon went home, and then went public with the entire fiasco. He spread news of his antics through Reddit, Twitter, YouTube, and Facebook, to name a few. The final price China paid? The last payment was one million two hundred thousand girls, aged ten to eighteen. Go back and read that again. They paid him 1,200,000 young females in that last batch. One million six hundred fifty thousand in total. Raxon needed his moon base to be staffed somehow, and he didn't want to deal with grad students... Also because there weren't enough grad students who spoke the same language. Also, it's a lot of paperwork, and he really didn't feel like going through all that drudgery.

But our protaganist *coughassholecough* wasn't done.

He released videos all over the net of himself screwing China over like a drunken prom queen, as well as supplemental videos explaining a bit about chinese culture and why there was already a shortage of girls there to begin with. He goes on to offhandedly comment that he didn't actually think they'd be too weak to bring a single dragon under their sway. All these videos, and the fact that as soon as China gets one taken down, five more are posted, lead China to become rather angry. In fact, they become so embarrassed and angry that they order a nuclear strike on his moonbase in retaliation. They fire ten nukes at him. The nukes never arrive as intended.

They do arrive, but when they arrive, they've been stripped of their payloads and disabled, but otherwise left intact. He 'ported them out of the sky. Teleportation is his specialty, after all. Raxon releases further videos revealing that he's had their top brass under surveillance ever since. He releases video of the brass ordering the nuclear strike, and then announces that he's offering to sell the nukes and all his recorded videos of them to America, England, Israel, Australia, and select other countries. Captured nuclear weapons practically handed to him on a platter and critical spy footage being sold to their enemies, public humiliation, massive economic and collateral damage, and a crippled population.

Ladies and gentlemen, porn is forever ruined, because you will never see anyone as bucked at this point as China. And it's all because they won the lottery.

Thank you, and goodnight.
Brickman 17th Aug 2013, 6:26 AM edit delete reply
It's their own fault for not being smart enough to make their payment conditional on stopping the rampage the second time *after he'd already sold them something that made it worse.* Also, two million girls? Was his plan for making the moonbase self-sustainable to wait until they came of age and then sell tickets for males to the highest bidder?
Raxon 17th Aug 2013, 6:31 AM edit delete reply
The older girls are trained and put to work first, the younger girls are given educations. It's kind of expected that most of them will leave when they come of age.The moon base only really requires about ten thousand at the very least. He's kind of expecting a high turnover rate.

Besides, living conditions are much better on his base than in China.
Brickman 17th Aug 2013, 6:47 AM edit delete reply
By the way, I'm assuming he didn't tell them what the girls were for. Did they think he was going to, like, eat them or sacrifice them in some necromantic ritual, and still sold him two million people?
Raxon 17th Aug 2013, 7:01 AM edit delete reply
It is China, they have lots of people, and they stopped questioning it as they got more desperate.
Zeeth 17th Aug 2013, 6:51 AM edit delete reply
This is the true Dunwich horror.
DoubleCross 17th Aug 2013, 7:05 AM edit delete reply
Raxon is an unsalvageable dick.

I can't even begin to get into all the things that are frightening and wrong with this story.
Raxon 17th Aug 2013, 8:58 AM edit delete reply
Yeah, he totally is in this story. To be fair, that's kind of the point of this one.

There is a silver lining, however. He didn't actually allow the dragons to harm any civilians. All those declared dead or missing? Defected to other countries with his help. The only ones who were actually killed were the soldiers who kept attacking the dragons. i never said the dragons were killing tons of people, just that they were wrecking China.

He may be insane, but damned if he isn't a terrifying skilled chessmaster.

Total death toll: 10k
Total removed from China: 7 million.

All of this takes place within the span of a week. Also, nuking a civilian population of almost two million is kind of a hugely dickish move, too. He also has reasons outside simply screwing China over. In the story, they were actually looking to expand their borders, and they had plans for the new superweapon. Raxon wasn't just being a jackass genie. I don't really approve of these methods, either, though I don't want to say it's unjustified to step in if a superpower is gearing up to declare war on smaller, relatively helpless countries.

I'm not even gonna touch the politics of this one. That's a powder keg for a flame war, though I think that the people here are above a flame war about politics. I won't defend his actions. He did cause a lot of collateral damage with this, and damaged China's economy. China wasn't in any condition to think about war after this, but they certainly weren't facing extinction. If that was his goal, there are much, much more effective ways to do it.
Malroth 18th Aug 2013, 2:21 PM edit delete reply
of course the fact that they thought that they could get away with being a jerk towards "an unstoppable superweapon" just makes me aghast. Really If some extradimensional superdiety sells me some unknown biological superweapon you'd be damn sure that I'm going to try to get its Psychology down pat before attempting to tell it to do anything.
Paragrin 18th Aug 2013, 4:03 PM edit delete reply
Hey, Raxon, I think I found your blog:
Raxon 19th Aug 2013, 5:20 AM edit delete reply
Umm... No hablo el englisho? HOLY CRAP WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!? *points to an unusually interesting stick and runs away*
Rokas 17th Aug 2013, 9:06 AM edit delete reply
You know, it's stories like these that make me wish I could look into the minds of other people. Because, Raxon, I suspect your mindscape looks like Salvidor Dali painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel while stoned on peyote.
Digo 17th Aug 2013, 9:18 AM edit delete reply
People might pay money to see that.
moonrascal 17th Aug 2013, 9:49 AM edit delete reply
I'd pay money to see that.
Newbiespud 17th Aug 2013, 10:11 AM edit delete reply
Oh dear God, this is the first comment today??
DoubleCross 17th Aug 2013, 10:51 AM edit delete reply
Sweetheart? It disturbs me.

Get it away.
Brickman 17th Aug 2013, 12:16 PM edit delete reply
And thus did Raxon utterly and completely steal the comments section of your comic. Again.
Ace the Eagle 17th Aug 2013, 4:03 PM edit delete reply
Not even I'm this bad
Digo 19th Aug 2013, 9:08 AM edit delete reply
I'm frightened at the kind of headway the forces of good would go if Raxon put that kind of effort into positive works. :3
Raxon 19th Aug 2013, 5:04 PM edit delete reply
I've said before. He found the cure for lycanthropy, and wiped out the goblins and elves. He was a noble and selfless hero once, though he's always been a little nutty.
Marioaddict 17th Aug 2013, 10:10 AM edit delete reply
My god... it's beautiful...

CharginChuck 17th Aug 2013, 11:45 AM edit delete reply
This is just....there are no words. So I guess I have to make some up: It is stocragulous, morriglascent and frummelaccing.
Demonu 17th Aug 2013, 12:18 PM edit delete reply
Raxon, I hereby officially tip my hat to you.

If I ever come around to playing D&D over the Internet/Skype, I'll save you a (hononary) seat.
Masterofgames 17th Aug 2013, 1:55 PM edit delete reply
Screwing someone over?



That is all.
Tech 18th Aug 2013, 12:02 AM Henderson? edit delete reply
The only PC to ever win Call of Cthulhu? That Henderson?
Guest 18th Aug 2013, 10:05 AM edit delete reply

THAT Henderson.

THE Henderson.

I believe his record was something like having killed twelve player characters in one session, in a four player game?
DungeonMiner 19th Aug 2013, 10:03 PM Lurker edit delete reply
Henderson was a true demigod amongst mere mortals.

And the death count record was closer to six kills, but four were the same guy.
Douche 17th Aug 2013, 2:34 PM edit delete reply
So... Raxon moved 7 million people out of China?

Who has the benefit of providing shelter, infrastructure, jobs and food for those 7 million people who likely don't speak the language of whatever local population they've been sent to?
Raxon 17th Aug 2013, 6:43 PM edit delete reply
Let me describe the moon base. It takes up 5% of the moon. Not 5% of the surface, 5% total. There's plenty of room, and he can feed them himself. All he needs to do is arrange for classes to teach them new languages, possibly skilled worker training, and then inform the world that he has five and a half million highly skilled workers who need countries.

Working with immigration offices should be a breeze, right? People love skilled immigrant labor, after all. [/sarcasm]

As for the language thing, something like 99.99998% of the moon base would now be speaking some form of chinese, with just him and some fifty or sixty other people speaking anything else. And that includes the forty dragon females.

I'm actually considering having Raxon form a guild. Probably a worker's guild. He never was allowed back into the wizards guild after they found out what happened in Atlantis. It's simple. Someone needs something done. They contact him, and he send out a worker to get the job done.

People are free to come and go as they please, though if they're underage there are some rules. rules like never going out alone, and always returning for your study shift. How hard can it possibly be to micromanage and direct millions of jobs when you have a magic-based super computer that's a hundred years ahead of anything on Earth?

That's sarcasm again. The answer is that it's incredibly tough, because he's directing the computer. Yup, endless bureaucracy for poor Raxon. Right up until he learns about this miraculous invention called a 'call center'.

Also, he built the moon base in total secrecy, and nobody actually believed he had a moon base until he proved it.
Guest 18th Aug 2013, 10:56 AM edit delete reply
wait what about Atlantis?
DracoS 17th Aug 2013, 5:41 PM edit delete reply
Raxon went from being a delightful rapscallion to something...weird. DB
reynard61 17th Aug 2013, 8:58 PM edit delete reply
"Since there's a 10/1 female to male ratio, they live in broods, where a male will have several mates."

That's actually a Harem. (Brooding behavior -- single, egg-laying females caring for a large number of eggs, or young until they reach an age when they can fend for themselves -- is usually found among some birds and certain species of snakes and fish.)
Raxon 18th Aug 2013, 5:01 AM edit delete reply
True, but Raxon already has a harem. Somehow. Despite being an ascetic monk. I need to distinguish between his harem, and the dragon harem system, so I call them broods. After all, they do lay eggs and care for multiple young each. A male with ten mates can have fifty to a hundred young.
Tatsurou 18th Aug 2013, 1:34 PM edit delete reply
Tell us about Raxon's harem, please.
Raxon 18th Aug 2013, 2:19 PM edit delete reply
There are two main sections of Raxon's first home, pre-moon base. There is the main house, and then there is the harem, which consists of individual sleeping quarters and common living areas. The harem is off limits to all men, Raxon included. I don't have access to my notes, but I'll list everyone in the harem that I can recall. First, there's a reporter that he 'seduced' on live television away from her job. Next, his daughter's mother and sister. That's more complicated than I want to get into right now. Next up, two of the gorgon sisters, Stheno and Euryale. Then there are a pair of succubi he got from a botched summoning ritual. There's a spy from some shady government agency, a spy from the greek pantheon, and finally there are the other 39 female humanoid dragons, to whom Raxon is their patron(king). Oh! There is also the mother of a young sorceress Raxon has taken it upon himself to train.

I apologize for any spelling errors. It's so hard to type all this on a phone while I'm on the road.
Kynrasian 17th Aug 2013, 10:10 PM edit delete reply
As I've said before, our group got accused of killing a king. After tracking down the king's real killer, only for his employer to kill him and try to leave us holding the bag again, we managed to catch up to him during the ensuing chase on horseback and drag him from his horse.

The city guard had turned up and of course he immediately tried to hand us over for our supposed crime, when I decided that if I couldn't get my name cleared, I was going to confess to having killed the king. On the orders of the man we'd just caught. As a result we were both carted off to the highest-security prison in the kingdom.

Later, our rogue accidentally delivered the phylactery of our last enemy into the prison by way of getting caught trying to get to my cell and getting thrown in himself, getting all of his stuff, phylactery included, confiscated in a chest.

Our old enemy was more than happy to dispatch our new acquaintance.

To add insult to fatal injury, we recently proved his part in a conspiracy to kill the king and got our names cleared. He will likely be posthumously stripped of all honour and titles.
Guest 18th Aug 2013, 2:14 AM edit delete reply
Raxon, you are now a member of my universe's pantheon.
Title? God of epic and awesome events.
Jason Shadow 18th Aug 2013, 10:32 AM edit delete reply
Jason Shadow
Heh. He's already the God of Madness in mine...
Malroth 18th Aug 2013, 2:25 PM edit delete reply
I'm just gonna have him be an Insane Bounty hunter in the star wars campaign i'm starting. If he steals the show he steals the show but if the PC's just pull a gun and shoot him while he's talking buisness well thats bounty hunting for you.
ProfCharles 18th Aug 2013, 12:17 PM edit delete reply
Sweet Eris...
RunawayCanadian 18th Aug 2013, 4:09 PM edit delete reply
I was in a Dark Heresy game, one of the people, is very paranoid, and as we were inspecting (means plugging in and plugging out) with a "heretical" box on a small escape ship. The person injects me with a tranquilizer (not known to me, and i assumed he was killing me). Me, being an assassin with minor psychic powers, had him inject himself with the tranquilizer and i tore apart his insides (enough to cause death by bleeding in 3 weeks). I died due to other circumstances (not him), and he died due to me, because no one knew what i did.
Zuche 19th Aug 2013, 9:21 AM edit delete reply
Judging by the reactions, it's just as well I didn't read the first comment.
Raxon 19th Aug 2013, 7:02 PM edit delete reply
Long story short, Raxon Dunwich gave China exactly what they asked for, then turns out to be kind of a villain, but not really, but maybe a little bit.

It's a good demonstration of what he is capable of.
aylatrigger 19th Aug 2013, 10:06 AM edit delete reply time our party was transported somewhere, possibly to another material plane or the like. We ended up in a town. We tried to talk to the townsfolk. No response. We realized that no one could see us or hear us, and we passed straight through people and objects. So we found the tavern, and waited around to see if we could hear anything in relation to our new condition. After a bit, another adventuring party came in and chatted with the bartender, asking if there's anything strange around. The bartender told them of a cave of evil spirits. We were spirit-like enough, so our party decided to follow the other adventuring party to this cave and see if we could get material. While we were walking there, we started joking around with the other party as they could not see, feel or hear us. One of our characters kept putting his knives in the mages head. After a while, he felt an itching. Another character started whispering in the cleric's ear, telling him to do various evil acts. As we neared the cave, the other party started to hear us. The mage started twitching. The cleric tried not to listen to the voices, but broke down when one told him, "I'm your god, and I don't like you anymore." The cleric ran. The paladin held true against the taunting. By this time the mage had completely gone insane. The barbarian was easily convinced by the voices that the paladin hated him and wanted to kill him. The rogue was getting a little uncomfortable due to the...advances... of our rogue. The rogue ran straight into the cave. My Lawful Good monk had not been paying much attention to the rest of the party's actions, and only saw harmless tidbits, but after seeing the rogue run, I went over to try to console the rogue. Unfortunately, due to the influence of the cave, I was more corporeal, so after I gave some friendly therapy-type advice, the rogue attempted to commit suicide. Due to the cave, I was able to knock the rogue out so she would not commit suicide. Meanwhile, back with the rest of the parties, the barbarian attacked and killed the paladin. The barbarian afterwards was recruited into our party. If I remember correctly, the monk left the rogue there, as helping further would just make her think she was insane again. The barbarian afterwards was recruited into our party.

We are horrible people.
Norakos 1st Sep 2013, 12:50 AM edit delete reply
...I am at a loss for words. That's one hell of a story man.
Digo 17th Aug 2013, 6:08 AM edit delete reply
In my group, everyone wants to be the Rainbow Dash of negotiation. :3

I've screwed my team out of the pay in a Shadowrun game once. All I did was just sit out of a firefight in the subway and do the actual job of protecting the target NPC at a peaceful protest.
Since I was the only one there (everyone else had to run when the SWAT showed up, one team member was killed, another captured) I got all the money. :)

No never told the rest of the team about it.
Alfalfa Door 17th Aug 2013, 7:38 AM edit delete reply
Last week I finished off a campaign based on MLP... in a sense. I posted the details on a blog at Fimfiction. If anypony's interested...
Rokas 17th Aug 2013, 9:08 AM edit delete reply
Always carry a rainbow pony, for she is awesome and quick to anger... and quick to everything else, really.

Seriously, if I had to go face some brutes I'd want Rainbow Dash watching my back. Either the show version or FiD version; both kick ass.
Midnight Blaze 17th Aug 2013, 3:27 PM edit delete reply
I've got a story. I'm in a capian right now that takes place in the FiM universe but focuses on world building. Anyway, my character, Dusty Trails (an Earth Pony ranger from Appleoosa), once managed to convince a group of rogue Changelings to come to the aid of a small village about to be attacked by a gang of young dragons (don't ask). Except it would take a while for the Changeling horde to get there, so I kept asking about their progress. At one point my party was surrounded by said gang and the Changeling weren't there yet, so I addressed the gang. The following argument was the result.
Me: Surrender! As we speak y'all are being surrounded by an invisible Changeling army! Give up now and we will be lenient!
GM: (raising an eyebrow) Roll for bluff check.
Me: He's not bluffing.
GM: But the Changelings aren't there yet.
Me: Yeah, but he thinks they are.
Since Dusty actually believed that the Changelings were, in fact, there, I managed to bluff them without actually bluffing. The confusion managed to stall them until the horde acyually arrived. Later, when our Unicorn sorcerer told me, in character, what had actually happened, I said "Well! That explains why they keep givin' me confused looks whenever I thank'em for gettin' here so fast." Cue laughter all around thee table.

And in case you're wondering, it was the GM that got screwed, and yes, invisible Changelings are actually a thing in-game.
Ace the Eagle 17th Aug 2013, 4:05 PM edit delete reply
Can you post a link to the rules and everything?
I have been trying to find a good MLP RPG for a while now.
Demonu 17th Aug 2013, 4:14 PM edit delete reply

Go knock yourself out.
NeutralDemon 18th Aug 2013, 10:54 AM edit delete reply
It is a very confusing system but I made a Ponytales character.
Now all I need to do is get a Skype account ... and find people who'll let me game with them
The_L 21st Aug 2013, 11:53 AM edit delete reply
I've been tempted to run it at my local game store, using blind-bag ponies as miniatures.
Moonrush 17th Aug 2013, 10:13 PM edit delete reply
Once my character massively screwed over an NPC-turned-PC rogue by giving her a disguise (I was a stereotypically "fabulous" character at the time so I was in charge of costumes) that had bells on it, NONE of us realized that would be an issue until halfway through the campaign. One of the guards from there has some bells shoved so far up his nose his brain jingles (official GM description) so obviously we came out on top at the end.
Diabloelmo 18th Aug 2013, 1:05 AM edit delete reply
I have a character who is setting up to be one hell of a chessmaster herself. A female Tiefling Magus, her personal quest the acquisition of immortality - at any cost. See, her daddy was a massive bastard, who had promised the soul of his only daughter to a demon lord in exchange for power and riches. Catch was, she had to be sacrificed when she became an adult, and her life was sacrosanct until then. He was also a bit of a dumbass, as he did not keep this deal particularly secret from her - so, about two weeks before the sacrifice, she made the escape she had been planning for YEARS.

Couple decades later, she shows up and helps take down an insane demi-god, securing all sorts of lovely riches and power for herself along the way. All of this is being poured into her pet project - Lichdom.

And the best part is? The voice I use for her is that of an upperclass southern belle. It is amazing.
you know that guy 18th Aug 2013, 6:13 PM edit delete reply
Lichdom can be good, if you choose the correct object for your phylactery. One that I've read about is as follows: Find a thing that inspires fear and panic, the tarrasque for instance. Research its power level (hit dice). Obtain a black sapphire of the appropriate caliber, and cast Trap The Soul on it, targeting the tarrasque. Get the tarrasque to eat the gem, activating the spell and forfeiting its save and SR. The tarrasque is now trapped inside a big shiny gemstone. Destroying the gemstone will release the tarrasque. Become much, using the gem as your phylactery.
Raxon 18th Aug 2013, 6:38 PM edit delete reply
That sounds pretty good, but I think I'll banish the tarrasque to the far realm for a few years first. I wonder if you can banish deities to the far realm. The Lady Of Pain might be a good choice for this. Yes, I would doom the multiverse by enslaving a being with infinite stats. And sending her to the far realm would actually make her stronger.

... Do I win?
Emmerlaus 18th Aug 2013, 7:49 PM edit delete reply
Banishing a Tarrask to that D&D realm where every fighter ressurect daily is my classic option to deal with a Tarrask. For the warriors there, its like giving them a new toy.
Raxon 18th Aug 2013, 9:33 PM edit delete reply
You're thinking of Valhalla. Norse heaven for warriors.
Venue In Delhi 13th Dec 2019, 8:22 AM Venue in Delhi edit delete reply
I am astoundingly Glad to get this post thank you such a grand aggregate for this latest reestablish.
Digo 19th Aug 2013, 9:16 AM edit delete reply
That depends if the Lady of Pain actually exists, or is a made up entity for the sole purpose of making adventurers like you wate time on banishing them. ;)
Diabloelmo 18th Aug 2013, 10:53 PM edit delete reply
It is a pathfinder character, and the rules to become a lich are hazy to say the least. So, I've gotten the following things put together:

1) Phylactory. This actually DOES have creation rules laid out, it's the soul-transfer bit that doesn't.

2) A magical doohicky that I've been calling the tesseract. It is basically a way to store hideously large quantities of raw arcane power in.

So, the plan is as follows:
Fill the doohicky with as much raw arcane energy as I can find, use it to power the ritual. Once I am done, create a new doohicky that look exactly like my phylactory. Fill it with all sorts of nastiness (I'm currently thinking negative energy), and lock them so the power can't be drained out. Build a giant doom fortress, with the fake phylactory stored 'safely' within. Laugh when a party of heroes breaks it. Store the real one in a locked cellar in a nondescript house in a city, right beside some spare gear.
Seanpony Renaud 19th Aug 2013, 12:00 PM Bastard! edit delete reply
I had a lich in the last campaign I played that basically pulled that BS on us. TWICE. My character changed his path basically built the Colt from Supernatural. Sure he had to melt down some legendary items, find the forge of the Gods and convince them not to murder him until he was done.

Sure he died in the end but said Lich died and died in a fight he could very easily have escaped had he realized what was going on before it was too late.
Sidney 18th Aug 2013, 12:33 PM edit delete reply
I don't know if you or your fans are aware of this, but I'm sure it's something of interest
Kitsudragon 18th Aug 2013, 10:11 PM edit delete reply
Y'know, after reading the stories of Raxon's monk, it occurs to me there's an adventure in the old Dragon magazine that he should go on.


10 points to anyone who gets the reference, and why it should happen. :P
Raxon 18th Aug 2013, 10:35 PM edit delete reply
Which monk? Raxon Dunwich, or the huge half-halfling jungle giant?

Because despite being level sixty, RD is severely underpowered, due to all his cross class levels. No joke. Wizards use Int, bards use Cha, and monks use Wis, Dex, Str, and Con.

He might be fairly well rounded, but he's somewhat poorly optimized. To be fair, thanks to that epic monk bonus, he's now slightly more resistant to harm than a normal human! Some benefits, but not enough to offset what he could have been if he had gone pure wizard,or multiclassed into sorcerer, but the one real benefit he gets is not needing to prepare his spells every morning.

And he totally realizes this. But what's the point of having power if you don't enjoy it?
Demonu 19th Aug 2013, 6:06 AM edit delete reply
Nogard, a joke module from Dragon Magazine #96 (the april fool's edition)

Don't remember much of it though. Think it started with "You are in a featureless grey plane, what do you do?"
(insert whatever the players come up with)
"You're still in a featureless grey plane."
Although it does become funnier later on.
Raxon 19th Aug 2013, 6:54 AM edit delete reply
Oh. I think I already did that to him. Except it was less funny and more oh my goodness the humanity this is incredibly tragic.
Kitsudragon 19th Aug 2013, 1:51 PM edit delete reply

That site has a copy of the Nogard adventure. It's part of their April Fool's edition that year, but it really touches on the heart of what you do with severely OP characters. There comes a time when you just have to write "retired" on the character sheet and find a new story to tell. :)
DMs Choice 19th Aug 2013, 2:13 AM edit delete reply
"I prefer to traffick with demons, for demons are no hypocrites."
-The Book of Eibon
terrycloth 19th Aug 2013, 11:04 AM edit delete reply
There are worse things than hypocrisy -- like doing evil and not even realizing that it's bad.

If you're going to screw me over, at least have the common decency to lie about it!
Zuche 19th Aug 2013, 12:12 PM edit delete reply
I don't know. I kind of admire the chaotic evil villain that can say, "In time, you shall understand as I do," with cause to believe it.

There are times I just want to know from the outset that a particular enemy needs to be put down quickly.