Page 499 - Diversified Portfolio

4th Oct 2014, 6:00 AM in Luna Eclipsed
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Diversified Portfolio
Average Rating: 5 (5 votes)
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Author Notes:

Newbiespud 4th Oct 2014, 6:00 AM edit delete
If nothing else, being a DM is a great way to practice making lots and lots of characters for a variety of narrative functions. Over time, it gets easier to make new ones, especially if you *cough* have a group that loves to get attached to one-note placeholders, forcing you to improvise and characterize on the fly *cough*.

On a completely unrelated note, an exceptionally dramatic session of Fallout is Dragons is coming. Unfortunately, it came to a choice between staying up all night to power through the worst of it, or getting some actual sleep, and for once I chose the sanity-preserving option. I expect to have it all uploaded by this evening, but for now I submit this as an appetizer.

Also, looks like we're almost at 500...
Newbiespud 5th Oct 2014, 5:54 AM edit delete
A day late and a dollar short, here's the next Fallout is Dragons!
Session 24: Libsyn YouTube

Notice: Guest comic submissions are still open until this arc is finished! Guidelines here.



Raxon 4th Oct 2014, 6:02 AM edit delete reply
Time we did a Welch list. Write about what you are no longer allowed to do in games. Any game is admissible. I'll start us off.

D&D 3.5: I am no longer allowed to enchant any kind of dirty magazine into an ego weapon.

D&D 3.5: I may have a rabbit for a familiar, but I may not have a playboy bunny.

D&D 3.5: I am not allowed to commit seppuku in front of small children, especially if I can get up and chase them around afterwards.

D&D 3.5, Shadowrun: I cannot have any weapon that requires me to remove my pants.

D&D 3.5: I am no longer allowed to play a character who dual wields fishing rods.

D&D 3.5: I may not put invisible tattoos on anyone that require a direct application of fire to reveal.

D&D 3.5: My dwarf is not a sociopath who lives purely off of alcohol.

D&D 3.5: Beards will not turn children into men. I need to leave the elf school before they call the cops.

D&D 3.5: My beard does not grow longer and more golden every time I level up.

D&D 3.5: At no time is my beard ever allowed to be described as "golden" and "spikey".

D&D 3.5, Shadowrun: Seduction is a privilege, not a right. Pickup lines like "Ya know, you're kinda short, baby." on a successful roll will get my privileges taken away.

Shadowrun: My sensei it the ancient martial arts was not Betty White.

D&D 3.5, Shadowrun: While I am allowed to play an elf, we are not a race of total bastards. It is not in our national anthem.

D&D 3.5, Shadowrun: We did not steal said anthem from the dark ones.

Shadowrun: My spirit animals is not a tiger named Hobbes.

Shadowrun: I do not have a spirit animal. End of story.

D&D 3.5, Shadowrun: My sorcerer is not allowed to give children syringes filled with random household chemicals and tell them it's the secret to his powers.

D&D 3.5, Shadowrun: Brainwashing is not a full contact sport.

D&D 3.5, Shadowrun: No, the football(American) padding and long rubber gloves do not help my case.

D&D 3.5, Shadowrun: A sheep's testicle, a long neck beer bottle, a pair of chopsticks, a pint of Chanel No. 5, a spool of copper wire, a smoke alarm, a credit card, some red food coloring, and half a pound of dry ice are not the proper tools for humane brainwashing.

D&D 3.5, Shadowrun: I am not allowed to explain how these items me be used together. EVER.

Shadowrun: The flank is not the most succulent meat on a troll.

Shadowrun: Dwarves do not have gizzards.

Shadowrun: "Abusively sexy" and "ghoul" are never to be used in the same sentence again.

D&D 3.5, Shadowrun: My ability to pick up and wield the paladin does not make her hit twice as hard. Even if physics says it should.

D&D 3.5, Shadowrun: I can, however, give her double the attacks in this manner, because that makes so much more sense.

D&D 3.5, Shadowrun: This style of combat is not urban ballet. The paladin will hit me if I ever call her "my leading diva" again.

Shadowrun: "The Gambler" is not an appropriate song to sing at a wedding.

Shadowrun: I cannot play an observant orthodox jewish ghoul. This is a broken character concept.

Shadowrun: Building a character for whom the very act of eating is a traumatic, psychologically harmful experience is not 'interesting,' nor is it funny when his weekly 'meal' occurs during a run. This results in everyone dying.

Shadowrun: A ghoul cannot pass for as vampire if he just takes a bite out of the neck.

Shadowrun: My ghoul character can and will be put on a watch registry if he continues to lure high school girls into alleyways to feed.

Shadowrun: Despite the fact that all the girls live, I am no longer allowed to remove appendixes to feed on, even if they are, technically, flesh.

Shadowrun: If I do somehow get away with luring high school girls into dark alleys, drugging them, taking out their appendixes, and then sewing them back up with surgical care and precision, double billing them for outpatient care is going too far.

Shadowrun: The fact that they are young, fit, and will heal better does not excuse my preying on cheerleaders. Even if they may ultimately be healthier for having it out.

Shadowrun: When my ghoul is hounded by people for being near a school, his response cannot be "Hey, I'm a monster, not a pervert! Have some decorum!"

Shadowrun: When someone else calls me a monster, I am not allowed to say "Hey! No! That is OUR word!"

Shadowrun: Walking into a high school cafeteria and snapping my own neck, even if I can survive it, is not an acceptable prank.

Shadowrun: This goes double if I can stop my heart at will.

Shadowrun: I absolutely may not return again the very next week and do it again.

Shadowrun: Tuesday is not my evil day. My character does not spontaneously become a psychopath for 24 hours.

Shadowrun: At no point are the words 'detachable' and 'nipple' ever to be used in the same sentence, especially if the next words are 'stick-on comlinks'.

Shadowrun: I am not allowed to use daycares as safehouses ever again.

Shadowrun: On a related note, plastic explosives are not to be stored in Play-do cups.

Shadowrun: No, scratching out the part of the label that says, "non-toxic" does not make it okay.

Shadowrun: I am not allowed to add coloring and scents to my plastic explosives so they can be disguised as children's play-do.

Shadowrun: I am, however, allowed to add coloring and scent in order to disguise them as things like cake, food, excrement, corpses, gerbils, vitamins, flowers, com-links, crowns, hammers, bricks, and and thermometers. But only when I intend to kill people or blow stuff up with them.

D&D 3.5, Shadowrun: Dirty limericks are not to be used as spell incantations.

Shadowrun: I am not allowed to have any geas that involves my tongue leaving my mouth.

Shadowrun: My genitals cannot be prehensile, no matter how many points I put into cyber enhancements.

Shadowrun: Even if I'm female.

Shadowrun: Especially if I'm female.

Shadowrun: Explaining how this is possible does not help, it only makes the GM OD on brain bleach.

Shadowrun: "The toughest jew in Belfast" is not adequate backstory.

Shadowrun: It is the year 2070. The catholics and protestants in Ireland have been at peace for a long time.

Shadowrun: That does not mean they teamed up against the jew in order to make us tougher.

Shadowrun: I am not allowed to play a bishonen ghoul. Any character whose romantic prospects makes the yaoi fangirl squick out are banned.

Shadowrun: Especially if said fangirl is our gm.

Shadowrun: Ghouls are not 'basically just melting hippies.'

Shadowrun: There are no such things as porn gremlins.

Shadowrun: I do not have video proof of them. especially if by porn gremlins, I mean gremlin porn.

Shadowrun: C4 is not a building material. As such, I may not make chairs, tables, and especially not beds out of it.

Shadowrun: If I do manage to get away with C4 beds, I can never have sex on them. EVER.

Shadowrun: Milk crate furniture all through my house does not get me a bonus to my starting cash due to being a tightwad.

Shadowrun: Any furniture design where the description starts with "Okay, you remember that episode of twilight zone where..." is right out.

Shadowrun: "Bubba's love patrol" is NOT The number one most popular hit single in the world. And it is wrong to tell new players this.

Shadowrun: If my character ever does get his hands on a nuke, even a very tiny one, it cannot be used as a high powered blasting cap for an even bigger blast involving several thousand metric tons of C4.

Shadowrun: 'Several thousand metric tons' of C4 does not exist in shadowrun, and even if it does, the government notices when obscene amounts of high explosives go missing.

Shadowrun: My mentor spirit is not Princess Celestia.

Shadowrun: I do not need to write her a letter every week telling her what I've learned.

Shadowrun: Especially if it involves Bubba the love troll. That's the kind of thing that gets you banished to the moon.

Shadowrun: The Yakuza are not interested in in my graphic novel ideas. Broad generalizations about Japan and its interests will not change that, and will, in fact, get me shot.

Shadowrun: Bubba the love troll was not my sensei in the ancient art of wang fu. If I ever attempt to claim this again, I will be forever banned from being the face.

Shadowrun: Bags of holding have no place in Shadowrun. As such, I may not implement my infamous double bag trick, even if it doesn't cost me any essence to replace my cyber limbs.

Shadowrun: My catboy cannot be named Chester. He is not dangerously cheesy.

Shadowrun: Unless I roleplay him like this, and all the other players vote to let me keep him.

(Holy crap! I just learned that someone here snitched on me. Someone made a note of me on that one website. Seriously. Not complaining or anything, but I didn't think anyone in the comments section could be noteworthy enough for that. And it is on one of my favorite pages! Awww, you shouldn't have!)
Crazy Tom 4th Oct 2014, 6:25 AM edit delete reply
My spellcasters may not begin the game with any spells already cast unless I get the DMs approval first.
If I want a bonus for actually singing/performing my bardic performance, I may not blast Metallica down the mic and have it count.
No, my characters are not actually allowed to move faster than the speed of light, even if the rules say I can.

That's all I can think of right now.
Crazy Tom 4th Oct 2014, 6:34 AM edit delete reply
Ah, just thought of a few more.

No, a tree is not a viable weapon, and no the tree does not have a weapon stat block.
If I am playing a barbarian character, he must actually be a barbarian.
Earth elementals no longer count as earth for the purposes of my Burrow spells.
My character is not allowed to have a god complex and an inferiority complex at the same time.
Digo 4th Oct 2014, 6:42 AM edit delete reply
No longer allowed to TPK the party with a mattress.
Pandora's Homeobox 4th Oct 2014, 7:25 AM edit delete reply
Not allowed to spend equipment points on a device to make our minivan go slower ("They're called brakes, guys!").
Specter 4th Oct 2014, 7:37 AM edit delete reply
I am no longer allowed to attempt anything creative. It is apparently out of style and I should get in the 21st century.

If I DM a game, no one is allowed to peasant rail gun anything. A stick being handed off as a free action thousands (or millions) of times and tossed/hit target within 5-6 seconds is unacceptable and uncreative.

To Digo, a mattress? Really? I am impressed.
StarshineDash 4th Oct 2014, 7:47 AM edit delete reply
I am no longer allowed to keep Death Throes active 24/7/394 on any character over 50.
Even if they're an elf
Especially if they're overweight.

I am not allowed to use ANYTHING from the BoEF under ANY circumstances.
No, not even the hair-removal spell.

I am not allowed to play any character with an accent, nor am I allowed to spew gibberish at random if my character speaks something other than Common.

I am no longer allowed to play gnomes. Period.

Using logic and details does not allow me to make things that Should Not Be.
Especially gattling crossbows.
Including Alchemist Fire powered flamethrowers

Orc Bowling is now banned.

"Toss me" is not an acceptable method of entry for a half-giant.

Showing the magistrate my beard is not "evidence of our ability"
Nor is nearly decapitating him with a perfectly thrown axe.

No clothing or magic item is to ever be described as "technicolor"
especially if it's a cloak
ESPECIALLY if I'm a cleric.

Character names must contain at least one vowel and be pronounceable by the GM.

I am no longer allowed the following animal companions or familiars: ferrets, rats, mice, foxes, snakes, ravens, owls, horses, dragon whelps, and weasels

Children do not qualify as an animal companion or familiar.
Even if they can't talk
Even if they're a monstrous race.
Forcing through laws that change the categorization of children to 'animals' does not change this.

If I giggle madly before telling them my plan, it is not going to happen.

I am not a God, nor should I claim to be such.
Even if I'm level 20
Especially if I'm talking to an actual God.
Not even if Gozer the Gozerian is involved.

I am no longer allowed to bet people whether or not they can drink an entire Endless Flask in one go.

"Chug! Chug! Chug!" is not an appropriate response to vampire feeding.

"Yolo strats" are never acceptable in urban evasion. Especially from rooftops.
Any evasion. For any reason.

Werewolves do not appreciate being invited to dinner when you set out the fine silver.

"Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann" is not a legend of your people.
Nor an excuse to try insane things.

Breaking in to a government building is never a good idea.
Even if you're part of the government.

Stealing a new car every day is not "providing a valuable transportation service" to the party.
Taco Belle 5th Oct 2014, 3:34 AM edit delete reply
"If I giggle madly before telling them my plan, it is not going to happen."

Really? In my group if you have a plan that requires Cackling before saying it, it's usually a sure-thing, due to Rule of Awesome.
Taco Belle 5th Oct 2014, 3:36 AM edit delete reply
(note to self, read a post entirely before commenting from now on)

""Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann" is not a legend of your people."

My groups main DM basically runs off of TTGL Blended with MLP as the root of all his creative processes.

We all adore this DM.
MuffinMark 4th Oct 2014, 7:54 AM edit delete reply
No longer allowed to buy unusual, or even normal hats
Gden 4th Oct 2014, 8:20 AM edit delete reply
If I were ever allowed to play a waterbender again, I would not be allowed to have a decanter of endless water.
Siccarus 4th Oct 2014, 8:24 AM edit delete reply
I am not to Field 5 Leaman Russes and Call it may army, Even if it is Legal according to seventh Ed.

Not allowed to bring Advanced economics and Different Currencies into DND.

I cannot be a Palliden of Haruhi, Even if she is technically a God.

I may not Use Mr welches List for Character Ideas

I can not Use Dynasty Warriors as a Source of Weapon Ideas. (No Dual wielding two headed Glaives for me.)

It is the Eastern Continent not Not-asia.

Elvish is not the DND equivalent of Spanish it is wrong to tell new players this.

I will try to curb the antics of the Goliath Necromancer/Surgeon NOT EGG HIM ON>
Taco Belle 5th Oct 2014, 3:38 AM edit delete reply
"I may not Use Mr welches List for Character Ideas"

In my group, you can, if you play it veeery well RP wise. >:D
andreas002 4th Oct 2014, 8:34 AM edit delete reply
I'm just going to leave this here:!
Disloyal Subject 4th Oct 2014, 10:57 AM Oh Gods, Can't Breathe edit delete reply
Disloyal Subject

I'd just like to point out that I love and hate you all for reducing be to a breathless, tearstained, and fetally curled ball of laughter this morning. (Even if I question some of your DMs' bans.)
Mykin 4th Oct 2014, 8:37 AM edit delete reply
I am no longer allowed to let others use me as a battering ram. I'm too effective at it even when, by all accounts, I shouldn't have been able to break through that adamantium door anyway.

I am no longer allowed to touch the DM's dice. I curse everything I touch.

I am no longer allowed to touch chests. They always end up being trapped when I handle them.

I am no longer allowed to make plans that involve just explaining to the enemy that this was all just a big misunderstanding. I'm too good at using logic to make them believe me.

I am no longer allowed to die. I'm the only one willing to play a cleric that actually heals.

Praying really hard to my chosen diety will not change the fact that I rolled a natural one and then another natural one after that.
Consequently, I'm no longer allowed to handle explosives of any kind.

I am no longer allowed to use diplomacy to convince the enemy to put away their weapons and leave peacefully.
No amount of arguing will change the fact that somehow all those weapons that were "put away" ended up in my gut at the beginning of the very next turn.

The DM is no longer allowed to show me what he rolled to hit me until after the fact. I do not need to know how many times he critted me in a row for one attack.
I am not allowed to ask for the truth of a roll if I don't believe it is right. Chances are really, really, really good that the truth of the roll was far worse than what he was telling me.

We are no longer allowed to handle fire.
Especially if we're near anything flammable.
Especially if the place we're in is called Baldur's Gate.

I am no longer allowed to use Thaumaturgy to boaster my voice in confined places while my party is ahead of me.
No matter how convincing I am in my performance, a booming voice coming from a tunnel suggesting that there is an army waiting to come out of said tunnel will always be mistaken by the enemy as the voice of one really drunk dwarf.
I am not allowed to use my indignant half-elven rage to gain a bonus to my attacks against the enemy that called me a drunken dwarf.

I am not allowed to use a melee weapon when my dump stat is strength.
Unless I can finesse it.
No, a chair leg cannot be finessed.
Or a bottle of gin.
Or a rubber chicken.
Especially not a rubber chicken.
Taco Belle 5th Oct 2014, 3:39 AM edit delete reply
"I am no longer allowed to make plans that involve just explaining to the enemy that this was all just a big misunderstanding. I'm too good at using logic to make them believe me."

My group refers to this type of person as "The Face". :P
FanOfMostEverything 4th Oct 2014, 8:43 AM edit delete reply
I like making the PCs suffer through the consequences of their actions, so I prefer dissuading through example rather than outright forbidding actions. The only exception was the "cure-in-a-box" fiasco, and even then, I was going to do it in-game.

Basically, one player made a small trapped box that cast cure light wounds when it was opened, effectively making a wand with infinite charges. I never got around to it, but I was planning on having the box explode from the constant exposure to positive energy.
JackobolTrades 4th Oct 2014, 9:07 AM edit delete reply
I am no longer allowed to play a Siege Mage character that uses ballista as his primary weapon. Even if he has the strength to carry and wield said ballista.

I am no longer allowed to build characters under the assumption that party members will agree to be used as a weapon.

I am no longer allowed to use neither Planar Shift nor Dimension Door to access Equestria.

I am barred from trying to set players up in a romantic relationship. Even if they would be adorable. Even if their characters are in a relationship.
Especially if their characters are in a relationship.

I am no longer allowed to used coins as any kind of ammunition.

I may not play a character with less that 3 Intelligence.

When a party member is about to die, it is not appropriate to shout "FINISH HIM!"

Dressing as my character is no longer allowed.
Especially if that character is a succubus of the opposite gender.

No, my cat is not my familiar and no, she does not appreciate being on the game table.

Monks have vows of Chastity and Decency. Therefore they cannot forgo clothes to cut down on carry weight.

If I play Chaotic Stupid, consequences will be swift and dire.

Any name ending in -bert is not acceptable in a high fantasy, medieval setting.

Character back story cannot be a Noodle Incident.

My theme song is not an anime song, and should not be played over the battle music.

I am no longer allowed to have a character that eats toddlers, even if they are Chaotic Evil.

I am no longer allowed to make erotic fanart of the player characters.

If jailed, it is not a viable strategy to seduce the walls to be set free. Even if the walls are "Already rock hard."
Especially if the walls are "Already rock hard."

The dog is not my mount, and I will not sit on her when the characters mount up, even if she is big enough to carry me.

The beach is not an appropriate place to play, especially if the campaign involves sharks or oil companies.
Taco Belle 5th Oct 2014, 3:50 AM edit delete reply
"No, my cat is not my familiar and no, she does not appreciate being on the game table."

MY cat once jumped onto the table and layed in the middle of the Dungeon Map...

Soo... the DM improvised a Boss Fight, against a Colossal Dire Smilodon.

It was Funny, until the cat stole one of the Miniatures and ran off with it after it fell down and made a rattly noise...

The dm had that player sit out the rest of the encounter, once he got back with his figure...

...We found his character outside, and he spun this.. Gandalf-Vs-Balrog type fight.

Moral of the Story: My cats an adorable asshole.
Curb 4th Oct 2014, 9:12 AM edit delete reply
I am not allowed to bring up Enrigue the Fighter, or the Latin Fire Incident.

Magical Girls are not supposed to have Mecha, even if they are failed Magical Girls

There is no such thing as a the Village of Milfy Amazons

I'm not supposed to defeat the GMs Super Spies, Uber NPCs...even though I can :)

I am not allowed to make Elementary or Middle aged super villains, especially Little Girls...

I am not allowed to make any Evil Little Girls, even if they are hillariously fun to play...

I am not allowed to play female characters as it weirds everyone else out that I'm totally comfortable RPing opposite of my gender.

Fireball is not the answer to all of life's little problems...

Neither are heavy weapons or tactical nukes...

MI-6 is not supposed to be outsmarted by someone with a bed time and a My Little Pony Collection...

I am not allowed to give my little adorable villain My Little Pony themed lairs and combat robots...ever again...
Taco Belle 5th Oct 2014, 3:56 AM edit delete reply
"Magical Girls are not supposed to have Mecha, even if they are failed Magical Girls"


This is the Premise of the Princess:The Hopeful WoD i am DMing.


"I am not allowed to make Elementary or Middle aged super villains, especially Little Girls..."

See above Comment.

"I am not allowed to make any Evil Little Girls, even if they are hillariously fun to play..."
Princesses of Tears are DEFINITELY fun!

"I am not allowed to play female characters as it weirds everyone else out that I'm totally comfortable RPing opposite of my gender."

...My groups not weirded out by it.

"I am not allowed to give my little adorable villain My Little Pony themed lairs and combat robots...ever again..."

See first comment.
Curb 6th Oct 2014, 8:30 AM edit delete reply
Once I get around to rebuilding the data around my little villainess and her MLP sanctum (had an external drive failure) I'd be glad to share it. It's Heroes Unlimited though.

I am also rebuiling my Little Superpowered Supervillains group as well.
sjosten 5th Oct 2014, 1:17 PM edit delete reply
"I am not allowed to make any Evil Little Girls, even if they are hilariously fun to play..."
As someone who just finished a campaign where I pretty much recreated Annie from League of Legends, yes, they're so fun to play.
Razomyure 4th Oct 2014, 9:36 AM edit delete reply
In no particular order...

I am not allowed to play an Orc or Half-Orc.

I am banned from being of savage heritage.

I am not allowed to play a Barbarian.

Especially not a one with an Int score of 5.

I am not allowed to associate with devils.

I will not have any non-hostile contact with fiends of any variety.

I am not allowed to broker pacts between party members and Outsiders.

I am particularly prohibited from acting as the Paladin's attorney versus a devil I have summoned.

I am never to play a druid, ever, under any circumstances.

I am not permitted to play any Lawful Evil character.

I may not use variant class features, even if they're official ones.

I am not allowed to have a familiar, under any circumstances.

I may not have a snake as a familiar, companion, pet, or similar role.

I am not allowed to use any of the Summon Monster spells.

I am not allowed to take crafting feats.

I am not permitted to have Craft (Poison making), Craft (Alchemy), Profession (Cooking) or any variant thereof, or any item-creation feats.

I may not, under any circumstances, be given access to a teleportation spell, even a short-range one.

I may not, under any circumstances, become invisible.

I am not allowed to use improvised weapons.

I may not be a cultist of any variety, not even a good-aligned one or using the role as a cover.

I do not have a spirit animal. Ever. (Yeah, me too.)

I may not attend weddings.

None of my characters may have living family members.

I am never allowed to commit suicide in any form, under any circumstances. Whether or not the act would actually kill me is not relevant.

I may not perform surgery of any sort, ever, regardless of its intent.

I am not allowed to pull "practical jokes" (not my quotes) of any variety.

I may not have any form of personality disorder or mental illness.

I may not play as an undead.

I am not allowed to use poetry in any form.

I may not use any Charm or Dominate spells.

I am banned from making characters that reference any work, however obscure.

I may not own a home of any sort.

I'm not allowed to stay in inns, no matter how much the innkeeper's daughter wants me to.

I am not allowed to possess Bags of Holding or Portable Holes, especially not the two together.

Should I ever come into possession of the two aforementioned items at the same time, under no circumstances am I to use them to create a high-suction unstable portal into the Æther, even if it's only supposed to hit enemies.

Should that somehow happen, I am not to accidentally knock the Cleric into it.

The Cleric is not going to forgive me for that, even if she ever does make it back somehow.

I may not have skills points in Use Rope, and I may not ever use it to make a leash or something to similar effect.

I am not allowed to play a Sorcerer of any non-lawful or any evil alignment.

I am not allowed to use Heritage feats or traits as a Sorcerer.

I am not allowed to play Chaotic Good unless I'm a support character or healer, and even then only with special permission.

I am not allowed to play a Bard. Ever.

Should I be playing a Bard, I am prohibited from using my lyre's strings as a shortbow. Even if they are reinforced for this explicit purpose.

I am not allowed to use rules for hidden weapons or hidden spaces.

I may not have any Skill Tricks.

I am prohibited from using anything in the Complete Scoundrel sourcebook, including roleplay-only archetype information.

I may not play a Rogue unless they are Lawful Good.

I may not play a Warlock under any circumstances.

I am not allowed to use Eldritch Blast as a surgical or healing tool.

Even if it is good for cauterization.

I may never use ANYTHING for cauterization, ever again.

Especially not a Wand of Fireball.

My characters may not have anything which would add a template.

An atheist Cleric is not a good idea.

I may not be a Chaotic Good disciple of Asmodeus or any of the other Archdevils.

My characters may not have substance abuse problems, and in fact they are not allowed to touch alcohol or any variety of drugs, even for healing purposes.

I am not permitted to interact with children in any way.

I am not a role model, and I never will be. The fact that I am Lawful Good is not relevant.

Teaching through failures is not a good policy for showing a child how to survive stab wounds.

Just because I'm immortal doesn't mean I get to laugh at dragons for being young.

I am not allowed to use a racial feature to enchant my Paladin's weapon to be both Holy and Unholy at the same time.

Even if it does make sense for me.

Being good backstory material does not make something a good idea. Or even a good backstory idea.

I may not seduce anyone ever again.

Especially not another male party member while I am disguised as a female.

I may never disguise myself as anything under any circumstances.

The Paladin is not "better off dead."

Especially not because a hornet stung his off hand.

I may not kill or attack a party member, even on accident.

Especially not on accident.

Even if it's actually an accident, and not an "accident."

I am not allowed to dance, ever, no matter how much it might make sense in the context.

My Dwarf is not a male stripper, even if it's in his backstory.

I may not under any circumstances participate in the playing of any sport. No matter what sport it is.

I do not have the blessings of the Dark One. Or the Dark Ones.

There are no Dark Ones. There will never be any Dark Ones.

I may not wish to ascend to the status of Demigod or God just so that I can make there be a Dark One.

I'm not allowed to actually speak my spell incantations - that's my character's job, not mine.

Old Enochian is not a language in D&D, no matter how much I want it to be.

Even if it were, it would not be the language of horrible monstrosities and aberrations from beyond the boundaries of the space-time of the multiverse.

Which don't exist.

I may not have a Charisma score higher than a 13.

The Druid will kill me if I ever reference "the cheese-wheel incident" ever again. Even unintentionally.

The Cleric will probably just kill me anyway.

I may not befriend the Shugenja's elemental companion.

Especially if the Shugenja doesn't actually have an elemental companion.

I may not befriend any elemental or outsider. Ever. Under any circumstances. No matter what.

And my personal favorite: Under one of my DMs, I'm no longer allowed to roll for anything. He has to do it for me. (This one became a rule after I rolled 9 natural 20s in a row. It was a good day for me... not so much for the DM.)
Malik 5th Oct 2014, 8:47 PM edit delete reply
WOW. Some of Raxon's specific cases I can see context for banning, but blanket bans are just lame. Your DMs need to learn how to have a good time. XD
radio414 4th Oct 2014, 9:52 AM edit delete reply
Even if Flatland is the setting, I may not play a freakishly thin isosceles triangle.

Especially if Flatland is the setting.

I cannot, if playing a female Flatlander, audibly wail while rolling dice/getting up to get a drink/etc.

This goes double for their undulating walk.

I cannot be an immigrant from Lineland. Or Pointland.

Just because status is measured by number of sides does not mean that I can play the area of a circle above a chord.

If I am from Spaceland, I cannot immediately comprehend the fourth (or higher) dimensions.

If I am from Spaceland, I cannot interact with the interior of a Flatlander.

I cannot be in the shape of a raindrop.

If, for some reason, I am the shape of a raindrop, I may not move any direction other than south.

I may not build my house facing south.

Even if I am extremely thin, I may not enter through the woman's entrance.

I may not pretend the entire world is an illusion thought up by the Pointlander.

I may not be from the fourth dimension or higher.

"The edge of the map" is not a place I am allowed to be from.

I may not reintroduce color to incite a riot.

"Inability to see through mist" is not a legal character flaw.

Just because Flatland is based off of Victorian England does not mean I may act like a rich snob to anyone with fewer sides than I.

Just because Flatland is based off of Victorian England does not mean I may speak in a terrible British accent.

I cannot use a Spacelander's "just move 'up'" speech to transition into an Abbot and Costello routine.

Related: I cannot "just move up."

I may not make puns about how the GM's plot is "two dimensional."

I may not vivisect another Flatlander.
Super Kami Guru 4th Oct 2014, 10:03 AM edit delete reply
Raxon, are you sure you're not like the bastardized love child of discord and Q? Because seriously man, I just. I mean I just... Sweet celestia how do you even manage a quarter of that O_o
Raxon 4th Oct 2014, 4:31 PM edit delete reply
Some of them came from the same game, like all the ghoul ones. Picking up the paladin and attacking with her was something originally done in shadowrun. I was a troll, and she was a street sam. It works in D&D with my half-halfling giant.

Some of them were made retroactively. Yes, I tried to make a shadowrun chararacter whose sensei was betty white. It did not fly.
Malroth 5th Oct 2014, 11:42 AM edit delete reply
of course this means you CAN make a samurai who'se sensei was Betty White in 3.5
Darthmalice 4th Oct 2014, 10:16 AM It's not a Welch list, but... edit delete reply
I actually have a character that I am not even allowed to try and rebuild. Sarah Darktide, my Miralukan bounty hunter in a Star Wars campaign. Her saves, armor, and damage reduction was so high, as well as her damage output, combined with her power set, made her so unbelievably powerful that a fully leveled Sith Lord could NOT kill her. In melee.
Sarah was a ranged character and using fists at the time. I was literally trying to kill her and the GM's strongest npc could not do it. The GM openly admitted he had raised the CR of the ENTIRE campaign by 2 the whole game just to try and deal with her. She was the ultimate unstoppable Bounty Hunter. A shield that you couldn't get through, a jet pack, the ability to walk through walls, an arsenal strong enough to start-and subsequently end- a small war. DR against lightsabers, the ability to redirect force powers. She made Boba Fett himself look like a piss-ant storm trooper. This character once jumped INTO a krayt dragon's mouth, climbed down it's throat, then phased out of it's stomach- but not before leaving a bandolier of active grenades.
Sarah was so unstoppable that, when I finally retired her as a character, I had to swear an actual Oath, on my personal honor as a DM and player, to destroy her character sheet, burn the flow chart I used to perfectly optimize her, and never even attempt to try to build her or help anyone build a character that ungodly powerful in another person's campaign again (an oath I've kept to this day, if only because people literally told me they would never game with me again if I broke it).

I'm not kidding, she was that strong. I had a blast laying her- but I eretired her simply so I would have a challenge.
StoneCliff 4th Oct 2014, 10:35 AM edit delete reply
I am not allowed order "Enough alchohol to kill a dwarf", especially after someone says "First round on me".

I am not allowed to throw other party members into pools of lava.
Animal Companions are party members
Party members turned to stone are still party members.
Animal companions turned to stone are still party members.

I am not allowed to use gate spells to hell to turn the polar ice caps into beachfront real estate.

I am not allowed to blindly jump down any holes, even if my dr lets me survive.

I cannot worship Thor if he is not a god in the campaign.

I am not allowed to seduce a straight married man as a straight elf, even if the dice say otherwise.

I am not allowed to stack armor bonuses, even if the rules say otherwise.

I am not allowed to be addicted to breathing.

I cannot take the 'extra arms' advantage after taking the 'one arm' flaw.

(That's all i can think of now, but i'm sure my party has others)
Siccarus 4th Oct 2014, 8:02 PM edit delete reply
Probably should add this one.
If a Party member is turned to stone, we shall unpetrify him. NOT Make him his own memorial.
Toric 4th Oct 2014, 11:07 AM edit delete reply
I may not play a rogue. Or rogue substitute. Or anything with a skill remotely resembling sneak attack.

I may not play a divine character. Something about a god complex.

If the GM offers me a half-celestial template, I must attempt to talk them out of it.

If given the template anyway, I must not convince a metropolitan city that I am an archangel.

I must never allow effigies to be constructed of my characters, even if they get those characters' good sides.

I may never construct personal effigies of myself.

If I do construct a personal effigy, I may not turn it into a construct.

I may never design my own naval vessel.

"T.G.S. Ragamuffin" is no longer eligible as a name for a vehicle of any kind.

I am not allowed to be the primary caster of the party.

I am not allowed to use a mace for extracting venom from giant spiders.

I am not allowed to perform dentistry of any kind. Especially not with a mace.

I am not allowed to play an alchemist ever again.

I am not allowed to consume 4 pints of 4 distinct types of blood in less than 5 minutes without contracting permanent Super Dysentery.

I am not allowed use the word "restrain" in the context of children.

I am not allowed to play with an animal companion.

I am not allowed to take control of someone else's animal companion.

I am not allowed to make friends with Godlike beings.

I am not allowed to target the planet with a spell that could destroy it.

I am not allowed to in any way incorporate physics, mathematics, or logic into the application of spells.

I am not allowed to create or alter spells such that they would violate physics, mathematics, or logic.

I may not play a character who can simultaneously be made of stone, water, and air with appropriate traits for each.
Toric 4th Oct 2014, 11:09 AM edit delete reply
Also, "burn everything to the ground" is not a valid plan of action in any terrain or situation. No matter how much sense it makes. Or how flammable the environment is. Or how certain we are that only evil people would be hurt.
Archsage Zavas 4th Oct 2014, 11:27 AM edit delete reply
I am no longer allowed to play with explosive-based characters.

No, gnomomancy is not a school of magic.

Even if I wrote up the school powers.

Neither is halflingmancy.

I am no longer allowed to research spells. (See: Cone of Lobsters and Pie Flavor Transmutation.)
ADemonicPresence 4th Oct 2014, 12:27 PM edit delete reply
i am no longer allowed to use a corpse as a melee weapon.
much less two.
even if rigor mortis has set in.
especially if rigor mortis has set in.
i am no longer allowed to use a corpse as a projectile weapon.
much less thirty.
using a party member in a similar manner is vetoed immediately.
shouting 'vigor mortis!' does not make it okay.
(that was an interesting session)

i am never allowed inside a fully automated facility of any kind under any circumstances.
even if my character has no hacking ability or ranks in disable device.

electrocuting coma patients will not 'snap them out of it'.

i am not allowed to interrogate anyone. ever.

my paladin mount cannot brainwash other equines into wandering the tomb of horrors.
Tatsurou 4th Oct 2014, 1:05 PM edit delete reply
The only one I have...

I am no longer allowed to max out my charisma on a bard/enchantress cross class train and flirt my way out of every situation. No, feats that reduce the target's will save score does not make them more susceptible to 'experimentation'. No, I am not allowed a passive feat that applies the Suggestion spell to every pick up line as a free action, even if I can justify it in game continuity and within the laws of the game. Not even if the entire rest of the table finds this hilarious. Especially if they find it hilarious.

"I cannot play an observant orthodox jewish ghoul. This is a broken character concept."

Raxon 4th Oct 2014, 4:48 PM edit delete reply

Simple. In shadowrun, there is a race called ghouls. Ghouls are metahumans who were exposed to the Krieger strain of the HMHVV virus. They must eat a minimum of 1% of their body weight per weak of raw human flesh or die.

Orthodox jews cannot eat anything not considered kosher, as it is a sin. Human flesh is not kosher. That leads into the next one, which is that if the mere act of eating is a traumatic and horrible experience, the character is not just 'interesting'. They are downright broken. Which, naturally, leads into my ghoul luring young girls into dark alleyways, drugging them, and then removing their appendixes.

And yes, I have done the syringe thing in both shadowrun and D&D. Sometimes I just make an evil character.
Brickman 4th Oct 2014, 9:50 PM edit delete reply
I'm only a conservative Jew, so I dunno if this applies to Orthodox, but there's a special "desert island" clause (keep in mind this is one of those "some rabbi's interpretation" rules) that says that absolutely anything is kosher if the only alternative is starving to death. So your Jewish ghoul should be A-ok!
Raxon 5th Oct 2014, 2:07 AM edit delete reply
The fact that it is cannibalism, and must be done every single week is actually the problem. Intellectually, he knows he must in order to survive.

Emotionally, however, he is riddled with guilt, both religious and moral, at the fact he must eat human flesh to survive. The days he has to eat flesh, he is an emotional wreck.

Which is why he drugs schoolgirls in alleyways and takes out their appendixes. The girls are healthier for it, and he isn't feeding on anything they need, he doesn't kill anyone for it.

It is a minimal guilt operation.
Guest 4th Oct 2014, 1:12 PM edit delete reply
You can't have sex on your C4 bed even though, unless you explode when you have sex, that could never cause the bed to detonate? Harsh.
Raxon 4th Oct 2014, 5:04 PM edit delete reply
Well, theoretically, I could, but you'd be cleaning plastic explosives out of little nooks and crannies for days. The DM did not appreciate me mentioning that I needed some acetone to scrub the explosives off my junk.

Which brings me to another one...

Shadowrun: No matter how dirty I feel, acetone and a toilet brush are for external use only.
j-eagle12212012 4th Oct 2014, 1:17 PM edit delete reply

You sir are the greatest
kriss1989 4th Oct 2014, 2:20 PM edit delete reply
My barbarian's hair does not turn gold and spiky whenever he rages.

I cannot use greater planer binding to force the BBEG to stop his own evil plans.

I can no longer ritually summon the monkey king in order to find my keys, even if he doesn't mind. (He gets 24 hours of freedom on the material plane as payment for services rendered.)

I cannot, even though the rules allow it, be a cleric of myself. That applies to both my PC self and my RL self.

I may no longer create the spell Compell Broadway Musical.

I cannot invent toaster strudel in a medieval fantasy world. I also cannot invent a toaster o go with it.

I cannot take ADHD to get an initiative bonus.
Raxon 4th Oct 2014, 5:00 PM edit delete reply
D&D 3.5: I am no longer allowed to have any character who strokes his facial tentacles during a seduction check.

D&D 3.5: I am never to describe said lovemaking sessions.

D&D3.5: I do not leave ANY beds dripping with the 'mucus of passion'.

D&D3.5: Even if my tentacles are detachable, I am never, ever, EVER permitted to leave a little piece of myself in anyone, especially their nethers.

D&D3.5: Even if it is standard practice among octopi.

D&D 3.5: Buttons are not an appropriate fixation for a drider.
sidhe3141 4th Oct 2014, 4:44 PM edit delete reply
When playing an official module, not allowed to point out that "it's magic" makes less than zero sense for explaining the given method for disposing of the MacGuffin.
Kynrasian 4th Oct 2014, 8:07 PM edit delete reply
I don't think that I've had enough experience for this one. Almost everything we've had happen that would qualify have become running gags. Only ones I can think of are:

I am not allowed to force the halfling rogue into a bag of holding.

No, not even if he deserves it.
Guest 4th Oct 2014, 11:56 PM edit delete reply
I am no longer allowed to have a flying bard so powerful that he provides better close air support than an A-10 Warthog squadron.

I am not allowed to shoot a party member on the grounds that they are "too stupid to live", even if they prove me right on their next turn.

I am not allowed to burst out laughing when one of my party dies.
Disloyal Subject 5th Oct 2014, 12:07 AM Nnope. edit delete reply
Disloyal Subject
I may not have all stats at or above 16 in D&D.
Not even if I had the DM watch my rolls. And test that my dice weren't faulty.

I may not help other players build/advance their characters.
This goes double in gestalt campaigns.

I may not play a kobold.

As GM, I may not have the PCs arrive in the middle of any manner of festivities.
I will also exercise discretion when describing torture scenes.

The dietary habits of PCs are not relevant to adventuring. This includes Razorclaw Shifters, Orcs, Hobgoblins, Thri-Kreen, Elves, Dromites, Sahaugin, Halflings, and all other races.
Unless we're playing Dark Sun, neither Elves nor Halflings are carnivorous.

My Paladin may not have kleptomania.
Or the Craven feat.

Whenever my character is in a stage performance, I will stick to the script.
I may not carry out my scripted role with sufficient ham to steal the spotlight if my character's character is a nameless extra.
Unless this applied ham advances the plot of the game and/or play.

I may not strap, bolt, or otherwise attach anything to my jetbike.
Including extra guns. Even if it's just a non-firable rifle rack.
Especially not tow hitches.
My porter slave cannot serve as an impromptu tow hitch.
The party may not steal more vehicles from a sleeping warcamp than we have pilots for.
No character may wear a wifebeater shirt and jeans when jetbiking, especially if chewing tobacco.
No mullets, ever.

I may not strap, bolt, or otherwise attach anything to the exterior of my Knight.
Particularly more dakka.
Especially xenotech.
Stealthtech of any kind has little effect on a fourty-foot-tall humanoid machine of stompy death.

I may not begin a Dark Heresy game with a Chaos God's brand.
I may not have been kidnapped as a child by a cult. I may not have family already working for the Inquisition.
Unless I spend the XP to take them as a Contact, maintaining a good relationship with my old gunrunning gang does not get me a discount on firearms.

I may, however, expect my 12-year-old porter slave to carry more of my character's guns and equipment than she does; upwards of 60 lbs of gear.

Intimidate checks are only one way to solve a problem. There are others.

I will never encounter Daemonettes of Slaanesh. Ever.
Even if my knee-jerk response to them is to rend them limb from limb and claim their skulls.
Taco Belle 5th Oct 2014, 3:28 AM edit delete reply
Whenever i see a List such as this, i must compare it to my own adventures:

"D&D 3.5, Shadowrun: I cannot have any weapon that requires me to remove my pants."

This would include my characters Knee-mounted Morter, technically >_<

"D&D 3.5: I am no longer allowed to play a character who dual wields fishing rods."
Wasn't Duel Wielding them, but i had a Monk who used a Quarterstaff and Garrote Wire fluffed as a Fishing Rod.

No fish ever got away!

"D&D 3.5: My dwarf is not a sociopath who lives purely off of alcohol."
...Every dwarf one of my friends has ever played.

"D&D 3.5: My beard does not grow longer and more golden every time I level up.

D&D 3.5: At no time is my beard ever allowed to be described as "golden" and "spikey"."

I actually DM'd for a character like this... we let it slide because he was a Lightning-themed Dwarf Sorceror...

"Shadowrun: I do not have a spirit animal. End of story."

We randomly rolled for those once...

I got Aardvark >,<

"D&D 3.5, Shadowrun: A sheep's testicle, a long neck beer bottle, a pair of chopsticks, a pint of Chanel No. 5, a spool of copper wire, a smoke alarm, a credit card, some red food coloring, and half a pound of dry ice are not the proper tools for humane brainwashing."

Yeah but imagine what MacGyver could DO with that shit!

Shadowrun: Building a character for whom the very act of eating is a traumatic, psychologically harmful experience is not 'interesting,' nor is it funny when his weekly 'meal' occurs during a run. This results in everyone dying."

...Reminds me of a Aasimer who would ONLY eat Honey and Water...

"Shadowrun: When someone else calls me a monster, I am not allowed to say "Hey! No! That is OUR word!""

The Reason i banned "Spontaneous Derogatory Slurs" from my setting entirely... shit became a running gag >.<

"Shadowrun: On a related note, plastic explosives are not to be stored in Play-do cups.", i thought i was being Clever...

"Shadowrun: My mentor spirit is not Princess Celestia."

When i make my own list... well, just wait and see.

you know that guy 5th Oct 2014, 4:32 AM edit delete reply
I am banned from telling shaggy dog jokes in character. And out of character.
Sapphire Waffle 5th Oct 2014, 5:16 AM edit delete reply
I am not allowed to throw Colossal+1 sized objects, especially at only a single creature, even if the rules say I can. I can't lift them.

I am no longer allowed to befriend every crippled enemy I encounter. As such, I am no longer allowed to lead an army of cripples.
Rokas 5th Oct 2014, 2:07 PM edit delete reply
Oh God, the part about prehensile genitals... I can't breathe! Dammit, Raxon, why are you trying to kill me? What did I ever do to you? XD

Also, that bit about the "Seduction isn't a right, it's a privilege"? No, it's a Game Mechanic, and any GM who reacts that way to those lines needs to take the stick out of their backside. Hell, I once scored a good check and used the "How YOU doin'?" line. XD There were many LOLs all around.

I don't really have anything to add to this discussion, sadly, as I've barely played any RP games and I'm usually the serious guy. Not that I don't appreciate comedy, nor have my moments, but I'm usually the guy on the rifle keeping everyone else from getting killed... Well there may be a couple:

-Not allowed to construct a hydrogen reservoir inside the (space)ship's engines in order to create tritium from neutron bombardment.

-Also not allowed to use any purchased tritium to augment the salvaged nuclear weapon from a basic fission warhead into the multi-megaton range.

-Not allowed to carry anti-vehicle weaponry as a concealed weapon, even if I DO make my concealment check.

-May not acquire catnip.

-Not allowed to eat the six-legged deer the female folk have adopted as the ship's mascot.

-Even if I AM roleplaying a predator species.

-Not allowed to Shoot First and Ask Questions Later.

-Even if they ARE being a**holes.

-Must leave someone alive to question.

The last three are mainly our diplomancer being a wet blanket. ;)
Raxon 5th Oct 2014, 10:11 PM edit delete reply
My ilithid playboy rolled a natural twenty on a seduction check, with his 'outsider charisma'(Read: mild charm effect) the response to "Hey babe, you're kinda short" was "Take me now, tall man!"

And then after some insistence from the other players, because my ilithid does not have a penis, they demanded to know how I had such a way with the ladies, I was basically ordered to explain how and why. I explained that my ilithid has brain damage.

And that he uses his face, as I described it in excruciating detail. They literally asked me to describe it, and then they freak out when I acquiesce!
The Late Mister Nelson 6th Oct 2014, 7:55 PM edit delete reply
I don't have many of these.

Dark Heresy: If Deadpool finds and kills the cult in a half an hour of playing, after being an hour late to the game, the party is doing something wrong. Especially if he uses pancakes to do it.

Nation building game: I should not describe, in detail, the methods of mating habits of Eldritch-affiliated creatures.

Mass Effect: My Quarian should not weld a handle onto her armor so that the Krogan may move her out of the way with ease.

Remember to properly dispose of Reaper technology after studying it.

Yes, turrets do make a bloody mess of unconscious Turians.

Do not knock down the Krogan's wall of beer cans.

Do not insult the Krogan while standing in front of him. You have a handle on your armor specifically for his use.

Do not get jealous of the other Quarian or doing a better job than you on your AI project.

My pilgrimage gift should not be a comprehensive, all-inclusive report on the Reaper threat to the Admiralty board, years before the Citadel council has acknowledged it.

If the Krogan is away, I have feed his Varren, even if the other Quarian is the junior crewmember.

The Spectre should not have an antagonistic relationship with my AI.

Almost all of mine are form when I DM'd a custom Cthulhu setting, where Heaven, Hell, the Old Ones, and rogue AI's fought the apocalypse. Everybody lost.

None of my players are allowed to play the Captain from Romantically Apocalyptic.

I have to nerf the starting XP when every player is a high-level expert in no less than two areas at the beginning of the campaign.

The Irishman may not be living as a woman if he still has a mustache.

The distraction plan may not involve an ATV, a rocket launcher, and a herd of sheep.

The player-characters are not allowed to sleep with the Admiral's wife as part of their backstory.

Our math teacher is not an immortal assassin, and Mathletics is not a secret society of his students in the art of murder.

The dedicated gunslinger should hit his target, not the US Marines on his side.

Should the party happen to meet Jesus, one should not challenge him to a Kung Fu battle. Nor should one sucker-punch him at the conclusion of the aforementioned sparring match. His friend (the son of Satan) may be rather irritated with you.

If challenged by a group of Frenchman to a contest of skill, the Gunslinger is expected to accept defeat with grace, not plot with the Crossdresser to embarrass the victor.

Related, should the city policemen come to arrest the crossdresser for defenestration, he should give himself up. Assaulting three police officers (successfully) does not endear him to the city officials.

If a third of the session is dedicated to the city guards chasing around the party's assassin who has found herself a box, then we are off track. If she gives the city guards the slip, they additional training.

The computer hacker may not call the Google cult 'Nerds' and steal their technology.
Ruteuf 5th Oct 2014, 9:30 PM edit delete reply
Raxon, you are officially the God of one of my characters now.
Jobany 6th Oct 2014, 7:51 AM edit delete reply
I am no longer allowed to kill the rogue when he hides in bushes with velociraptors.
I am no longer allowed to have solid ruby statues of Dragons when shattered infect the party.
I am no longer to roll for traps when Ruby the dwarven cleric is in the party.
I am no longer allowed to send the entire party to the AD&D equivalent of the Land of the Lost and expect them to survive.
Chrysalis 6th Oct 2014, 9:51 AM edit delete reply
Expressly forbidden from taking over Druid groves.

Even through diplomatic means, as a Druid.

Forbidden from using said Druid groves to naturalfy all cities.

I can not be queen of the fairy people.

I cannot corral the remains of humanity and treat the like cattle.

I'm not allowed to kill my former teammates who now see me as evil.

Even if they try to kill me.

If I somehow get around this rule, it must be explained in a much more plausible method than, "I casually mentioned how troublesome they were to some of my strongest Arch-Druids, and they just so happened to want to do something about it."

I can't enslave my former teammates.

If I somehow manage to enslave them, I can't have them "service" me.

If I somehow get them to "service" me, I can't automatically garentee the offspring will be the best of both worlds.

Even if it is, there's not garentee that they'll want to follow in my footsteps.

Brainwashing is forbidden.

Alignment swapping is forbidden, and evil if I force it on my offspring.

There is a limit to how sternly I can raise said offspring.

There is a limit to how much I can entice said offspring to my way of thinking. *it was within reason. ;p*

I am no longer allowed to play a Druid ever.
General brony 6th Oct 2014, 6:10 PM edit delete reply
I am not allowed to DM.
Nor is anyone allowed to take "demon worshiping" as a perk in a slice of life game.
...That was fun...
Kaze Koichi 7th Oct 2014, 4:16 PM edit delete reply
Dammit, Raxon! We already did this once. No one can gather more of those stuff for such short time, unless they are trying to do so.

- I can no longer be a replacement GM.

- Even if the previous GM cannot continue and specificly asked me to.

- As GM, I cannot punish the party with "rock falls everyone dies" for doing stupid or annoying things.

(Those examples above was decided by majority vote).

- I cannot play play a cyborg medic that heals people by kissing. Or doing more then kissing.

- If I am allowed to play such cyborg medic, I cannot offer a homless litte girl to stay at my house.

- Even if she is older then me.

- Even if I wasn't going to heal her.

- I cannot say a word "ass" ever again.

- Even if I am talking about human anatomy.

- Especially if I am talking about human anatomy.

- Even if the players are allowed to have two characters each, I cannot play Lawful Good AND Chaotic Evil ones at the same time.

- I cannot claim GMPC is evil. I also cannot defeat GMPC no matter what I do. No one can defeat GMPC ever.

- I cannot self-destruct myself to defeat Big Bad if such explosion would kill my party too.

- Especially if I am immune to explosions.

- I can no longer play as Reimu Hakurei. But few people even care who she is, so I don't see this restriction bother me much.

This list is still quite lame compared to the stuff I can do and get away with it.
For example, I can use an arm cannon to snipe.
TurretBot 10th Jan 2015, 7:14 PM edit delete reply
Oh no. It's THAT website. I'll be here all night.
FanOfMostEverything 4th Oct 2014, 6:03 AM edit delete reply
Ah, accents. I love doing accents. Especially since I can do some odd things with my voice for undead and outsiders. I'm not sure how much of the effect is bone conduction, but my players always seem to enjoy it.

Have we done a story time about funny voices?
Raxon 4th Oct 2014, 6:12 AM edit delete reply
I do not think we have. I had a dwarven barbarian with a valley girl accent. Everyone loved Buddy the elfpire slayer.
Digo 4th Oct 2014, 6:37 AM edit delete reply
I only know a handful of accents and not very good ones. My favorite was a Shadowrun mage who talked with Applejack's drawl. :D That was fun cause she was the snarky one of the group.

Well, snarkiest. I think half the team were sarcastic mofos. :3
Pandora's Homeobox 4th Oct 2014, 7:26 AM edit delete reply
We got drunk playing an MLP homebrew once and everyone acquired an accent. My classy conductor suddenly had a Russian accent and Zecora was suddenly Irish.
FanOfMostEverything 4th Oct 2014, 8:31 AM edit delete reply
Ah, but did she speak in limericks?
Mykin 4th Oct 2014, 8:05 AM edit delete reply
There was a brief moment when we met the governor of the keep in my current campaign that I went off on a small rant with a horrible British accent. Had to spend half the time after that explaining what I said and add the note that I'm not British by any stretch of the imagination so I could be wrong on what is and is not British. Though I think I could of done far worse than imitate The Chimbley Sweep from Law of Talos.
Some Random Person... 4th Oct 2014, 6:06 AM edit delete reply
I absolutely LOVE getting attached to one-note placeholder NPCs. My main DM hated me for it at first, but rather quickly got used to it, and prepared for it. So I'm currently looking for the NPCs he HASN'T prepared. It's a fun game to attach yourselves to the NPCs with the least amount of preparation behind them. Usually just a name, sometimes just a race+gender and basic description.
Digo 4th Oct 2014, 6:41 AM edit delete reply
I had recently been made OverMare for a Fallout Equestria game. The party is trying to build a settlement and they have over a hundred survivors with them. The logistics for feeding and protecting all these ponies isn't too hard for them, but the real trick is remember names.

I began building a chart because once they started talking to all theses NPCs, names popped up, as well as relevant skills that the PCs can make use of for their settlement. They got some mechanics and engineers among the ranks which was a boon.

Then there are the weird ones, like The Zebra with No Name, the priest that heralds the second coming of Celestia, and the one kid unicorn wearing a Stable 16 jumpsuit and a strangely defective Pipbuck. No one can figure out where Stable 16 was...
Joe 4th Oct 2014, 6:58 AM edit delete reply
DM: So, in the morning, you all join the merchant on his ship, and the crew set off for-
Me: What are their names?
DM: What?
Me: The crew. What are their names?
DM: <glare>

They all got names, although one of them was named Seven. He proved to be lucky in terms of survival though.
Disloyal Subject 4th Oct 2014, 10:45 AM Ahoy! edit delete reply
Disloyal Subject
Hmm. On the one hand, some sailors might just tell you to shove off if you just ask everyone's names (unless you're an occifer) but it does make the players less likely to take the time to go meet them one-at-a-time.
Specter 4th Oct 2014, 1:12 PM edit delete reply
Yeah, I couldn't keep coming up with names for people, so I did a thing where if a player takes the time to ask for the name of an someone (or an enemy), they become much stronger.

Some of my players got the message.
Chris 4th Oct 2014, 3:08 PM edit delete reply
You: The crew. What are their names?
DM: They didn't tell you, but from overheard conversations, you get the impression that there are at least three named John.
kiapet 4th Oct 2014, 7:36 AM edit delete reply
I played a game where we were randomly killing some troglodytes (we were that type of party) and the DM made the last one, who we took as a captive, start crying, "you killed Ryan!" Our cleric decided to try a diplomacy check, and rolled a natural 20. The DM declared that they had a Hallmark moment and made us roll Will checks to not cry. The troglodyte was officially named Bob the Trog and later led a kobold and troglodyte rebellion against the dragon we were trying to kill, ending up as an ally in charge of the whole force (we even gave him part of the treasure for his efforts). Our DM said, "I made dozens of PCs with gigantic backstories that you barely even glanced at, but Bob the Trog will be a recurring character."
Specter 4th Oct 2014, 7:45 AM edit delete reply
Halloween, I have no idea how or why it was made (if someone knows, go ahead and say something. I love learning new things).

Either way, I have no good way of saying anything for the next video I picked.
Disloyal Subject 4th Oct 2014, 10:50 AM All Hallow's Eve edit delete reply
Disloyal Subject
Just from memory, and without any proper research: All Hallow's Eve is/was one of those holidays for dressing up as scary things to TERRIFY EVIL INTO STAYING THE BUCK OUT for the gentler holidays that follow.
I'll was going to edit more data into this paragraph this evening, but it looks like I lied, because I don't know which data to regurgitate and which to skim over. Have a link instead.
Euric 4th Oct 2014, 10:03 AM edit delete reply
I never noticed this before, but pip has a very different eye style than everypony else.
Toric 4th Oct 2014, 10:55 AM edit delete reply
British. Boom, explained.
PiMan 4th Oct 2014, 4:49 PM edit delete reply
I see it as him having white eyes where other ponies would have colours other than white.
Caelus Storm 4th Oct 2014, 10:40 AM edit delete reply
I am no longer aloud to play a Fae sorcerer and spam "summon Raven" in Wanderer's Codex (A homebrew table top a friend of mine made/is making).

Don't ask why this happened. It's a LONG story.
Disloyal Subject 4th Oct 2014, 3:40 PM Murder Shroud edit delete reply
Disloyal Subject
...that's suspiciously reminiscent of this. Your half-fae wasn't also a schoolteacher, was he?
misterrbuttons 4th Oct 2014, 4:55 PM edit delete reply
Not allowed to kill a party member in order to use their corpse as a shield.

Not allowed to kill a party member in order to use their corpse as a weapon.

Not allowed to use a corpse as an improvised weapon.

A corpse is not an acceptable target for weapon enchantments.

Even if I roll a Wish.

No longer allowed to use improvised weapons.

Not allowed to sacrifice non hostile NPCs to your deity.

Not allowed to sacrifice player characters in the name of the DM.

I may not, in character, use the DM's name in vain.

I cannot homebrew a feat that gives me any form of buff while nude.

I may not play a bard that only speaks in growls and pig squeals.

I may not take the Shakespearean flaw.

I am not allowed to convince other player characters that the campaign is simply a game being played by a group of people in another dimension.

I may not, in character, talk to the DM.

Or acknowledge the DM.

Or hit on the DM.

Making a schizophrenic character does not allow me to use out of character knowledge in character.

Out of character comments made by the players are not the voices the aforementioned schizophrenic character hears in his head.

Playing a chaotic evil character is not an invitation to use severed heads as puppets.

Not allowed to play a necromancer that is also a necrophiliac.

There is no Hardcore Necrophiliac flaw, nor am I allowed to make one.

I cannot construct a golem and refer to it as Gurren.

Nor can I make a golem that is anatomically correct.
Bubba 4th Oct 2014, 8:16 PM edit delete reply
I am not allowed to ever cast "Summon: Bigger Fish" again.

My tinkerer is not allowed to make a chicken cannon.

I cannot have a 'enchanted bathtub' as my mount.

I cannot 'tattoo' a portable hole. Especially not on the wizard's butt.

Psychopath is not an alignment.

I will not toss the dwarf.

My tinker cannot make a megaphone from a squirrel, some string and a megaphone.

No, I cannot use invisible ink when' I prepared explosive runes this morning

I will not bite the druids familiar to make a 'reverse werewolf'

I am not allowed to research a spell that turns booze into any bodily fluid.

When stopped by the guard I am no longer allowed to pull a McFly and kick them in the nuts.

When introduce to the high preistes, I cannot yell 'burn the witch!'

I cannot use a bear trap as a melee weapon.

Or a ranged weapon.

The druid's animal companion is not an 'emergency food supply'

I am not the night.

No more flaming chainsaws. Ever.

No more boomerang chainsaws.

I will not call the Queen of the Dragons 'fasto'

cheese is food. not a weapon. or pants.

I will not test a hallway for traps by throwing the rouge down it headfirst.

I cannot burst into Royal Court and announce I have a bomb.

I will not call the Queen, Princess, Duchess, etc. 'hot buns'

I will not take the last slice of Pizza.
Zuche 4th Oct 2014, 8:58 PM edit delete reply
After all this, I'm wondering if a lot of us will no longer be allowed to make or contribute to Welch lists.

I'm glad the practice option works for you improving your craft, Newbiespud. I just took the requirement as a sign I should pass the baton on again.
Moonstone 5th Oct 2014, 1:20 AM edit delete reply
Not allowed to play a follower of Nethys, god of magic, and scorn non-casters in the party.

Not allowed to use Prestidigitation to recolor the party's clothes to match the Power Rangers. Especially not if the local NPCs are all actual rangers.

Not allowed to convince the entire clergy of the sex-goddess to attend the results of a fellow party member losing a bet.

Even if this is due to said party member being forced to go streaking.

Not allowed to play a character hellbent on putting bunny-ears on NPCs and random statues.

Perform: Yodelling is not allowed. Especially not if I roleplay it.

Colossal Centipedes are poisonous, and therefore not a suitable source of provisions for an army.

This goes double if the Centipedes are undead.

Convincing the halfling traitor to convert to the side of good 'because the paladin is sexier than the antipaladin' only works once.

Dwarves do not braid their testicle hair for any reason.

They most certainly do not have competitions for it.

I may not attempt to place raw ginger in a sleeping dragon's posterior.

Or a Minotaur's.

Or a Behemoth's.

Or the mayor's.

My character is never allowed to have 'ginger' or any other spice in their inventory again.

Prostitutes do not attempt to press-gang elven maidens into joining their brothels. No, not even in pirate towns.

My female halfling Invulnerable Rager does not get extra DR from being 'the flattest flat-chest'.

Elf farts do not smell of elderberries.

I can only drown a dragon with a Decanter of Endless Water's geyser once.

My Ranger cannot train their Wolverine animal companion to focus on attacking the genitals of the enemies. No, not even if the companion takes Improved Critical.

I may not use 'baleful polymorph' to turn someone deathly allergic to cats INTO a cat. Especially not with the intent of keeping their allergies intact.

It should not be my character's primary objective to impregnate the rest of the party.

Especially if the rest of the party is entirely male.

I may not play a character that worships a single, specific potato as their deity.

Especially if they have already eaten said potato.

'Weapon Proficiency: Codpiece' is not an option.

Even if I am GM, there may not be a boss who causes gender-change with every single attack.

This goes double if the boss' attacks have splash-radius.

Cheesecake is a dessert, not a food-group.

Snow-Elves do not train reindeer to fly.

The wizard cares about his goat because it is his familiar, not because he is married to it.

Being a cleric does not allow me to marry random people and/or animals against their will.

I may not make a tiefling with uncontrollable lust for nuns.

I may not demand to be paid in concubines.

Even if playing a gnomish alchemist, I may not attempt to perform random surgeries on other party members in their sleep.

Especially if I have no ranks in Heal.

Royalty does not appreciate adventurers coming to meetings naked to prove they have no weapons.

Power Word: Pass Kidney Stone does not exist.

That's about all I can think of off the top of my head. Some of this was me, some of it the people I play with.
Raxon 5th Oct 2014, 2:00 AM edit delete reply
I would just like to say I am amused that my plan went so swimmingly.

I knew a welch list would make this page super super long.
Disloyal Subject 5th Oct 2014, 2:07 AM You Magnificent Bastard edit delete reply
Disloyal Subject
Many of your schemes do. Though I'm amazed at just how long this page got.
Couldn't even contribute this morning, too busy laughing at others' lists. Took me a while to rack my brains for anything that'd actually been forbidden; my GMs so far have preferred dynamic discouragement in-game over flat-out vetos.
Newbiespud 5th Oct 2014, 2:34 AM edit delete reply
Honestly, I'm kind of annoyed by it. As a current DM, I just get more frustrated by Mr. Welch than anything else, and the fact that I had no less than three guest comics in the same vein at once - each spawning a comments section filled with even more suggestions - doesn't help the joke get any younger.

But whatever. You had your fun.
Raxon 5th Oct 2014, 2:59 AM edit delete reply
Sorry, Spud. I would not have started this if I had known it would annoy you. If it's any consolation, I don't ever do any of these things maliciously. A lot of them are in the vein of "Don't do that again, it makes people laugh too much."

Honestly, Spud. I never come here with the intention of annoying you. I do have a legit reason for this, even if it is a little selfish. All these double spaced lines are a way I can read them more easily without assistance. Might sound odd, but I actually have trouble reading large blocks or text. Might be dyslexia, dunno, but I usually have to highlight text if there's more than one or two lines in order to keep my place and read it correctly.

I apologize for the trouble I caused. I will stick to story times from now on.

Edit: While I have your attention, however, I would like to point out a few things. First of all, I've been archive binging to get ready for your anniversary, because I have something special for you. Something you mentioned something you would like to see at some point. I do so hope you like it. It's almost done.

Second, I have noticed a few spam comments for, of all things, revenge and fertility spells. It's on old pages that get little traffic, but I thought I should let you know, just in case they start to become a problem.
Newbiespud 5th Oct 2014, 5:59 AM edit delete reply
As weird as it sounds, I've known you long enough that I know you mean well. Don't sweat it.
Raxon 5th Oct 2014, 6:44 AM edit delete reply
By the way, my 500 comment will probably amuse you. I was smoking some abnormally good sleep deprivation, so it's gonna be a doozy. It's something that you and a bunch of other people commented that you wanted to see, so I wrote it up. I do so hope you enjoy it.

Been working on it for a while now. It has a few sources of inspiration, some of which will become fairly obvious. Others might be a bit obscure.

I took special care, no porn, no hugely controversial humor, no Raxon doing something dickish.

There will, however, be politics. Sorta.
Taco Belle 5th Oct 2014, 4:05 AM edit delete reply
Well, most of them require a Story to make sense, so I'll just do one:

Every System: I am no longer allowed to Guess Campaign-centric Plot twists and cause the DM to cancel the game before it even starts.

"Were not stuck in our own Minds by that Psion were after as out first quest, and end the campaign Starving to death, are we?"

"Oh god damnit!"
Doc 5th Oct 2014, 5:56 AM Mysterious Medical Man edit delete reply
I've got one play group that has banned me from the Factotum class. This is the same group that banned me from using or otherwise acquiring Feather Tokens, dust grenades, alchemist's fire, prestidigitation, the grease spell, actual grease, gunpowder, Apparatus of the Crab, any kind of magical plant, aboleth mucus, and bleach.
you know that guy 6th Oct 2014, 10:03 AM edit delete reply
How about tanglefoot bags and ditherbombs?
Clonchrooper 5th Oct 2014, 8:48 AM edit delete reply
A question for Raxon. Are you just a commenter, or do you run your own webcomic? I would very much like some context for all the crazy stuff you talk about. Is there some place where I might find some collection of your "works"?
Raxon 5th Oct 2014, 3:55 PM edit delete reply
Just a commenter right now. I might go through and gather up all my stories and works someday, and post them online as one big collection, but I don't see that happening anytime soon. Like the ask blog people were asking if I'd do. I simply don't have a schedule available.
MrGazzer 5th Oct 2014, 11:01 AM edit delete reply
1.I am not allowed to pretend to be a god, subverting his worshipers, and taking his place as that god.

2. I am not allowed to argue with Palor himself on whether or not I'm Palor.

3. I may not "pull a Jesus" just so I can have my own personal army of Paladins.

4. No, I cannot steal a dragon's heart from its still living, fighting body, no matter how well I passed the check.

5. I may not declare holy war on everyone who annoys me.

6. No matter how well skinned, wearing someones face does not count as a disguise.

7. I may no longer bluff myself as to convince myself of information I know isn't true.

8. I may not use bluff to convince myself I am the mortal avatar of a god.

9. Stabbing someone with a hot poker does not constitute a 'Holy Fire' attack.

10. Forks, spoons, and knitting needles are now counted as weapons, and guards will take them from me.

11. Convincing a town to worship me no longer means I gain a divine level, even if DM rolled a nat 100 on the event roll.
Guest 5th Oct 2014, 11:04 AM edit delete reply
Rouge Trader: If the Characters first purchase is a grenade launcher and his second purchase is a infinite supply of hallucinogenic grenades his third purchase must be enough re-breathers for the entire party.
Disloyal Subject 6th Oct 2014, 2:02 AM With a Little Bit of Pixie Dust... edit delete reply
Disloyal Subject
Sweet Emperor I love those things. More than half the kills in my first Dark Heresy encounter were from the grenadier's use of them.
The first took out a heavy weapons tower, making one guy jump to his death and the other stand up from cover and start dancing right into my rifle's sights, and knocking those sentries out crippled the enemy response time; the next was in the main battle, and fell short, but he followed it up with a shot that got every enemy there was. One made his save and kept shooting us, but a riot shield and shotgun dealt with that well enough. It was hilarious watching the target, a noblewoman who'd been shrieking obscenities at us and her guards alike, flopping like a fish down the stairs while we coup de graced her mercenaries before pumping a few rounds through her power field.
Every time we encountered infantry, they got gassed. That might even have contributed to the omnipresence of combat automata later in the campaign.
BobbyJoeLord 6th Oct 2014, 10:12 AM edit delete reply
And the best part, the character who did it only had 22 toughness. And was thus the most likely party member to be affected by it.
Lucy 5th Oct 2014, 1:12 PM edit delete reply
No matter how justified the Xanatos Gambit I am attempting, chaotic good cannot ever be indistingushable from lawful evil
Odious Call 5th Oct 2014, 3:31 PM edit delete reply
Odious Call
You mean, there are parties that DON'T do this?
KalicoFox 6th Oct 2014, 12:01 AM edit delete reply
As a Shifter Druid, with immunity to natural poisons, I am no longer allowed to Shift into an elf and challenge a bar full of dwarves to a drinking contest.

Once the dwarves have passed out, I am not allowed to loot them down to their underwear.

Any character I play must have at least one level of rogue.

Just because the Sorcerer is drunk all the time does not mean that I can use him as practice for 'Neutralize Poison'. He gets tetchy.

'Immutable Flu', while a fun spell, is not to be cast on ambassadors. Remember, sometimes they have caster levels.
Curb 6th Oct 2014, 9:33 AM edit delete reply
Okay, these are rather recent and need a bit of a backstory. Both of my Rifts Trixies(part of my Ponies in Palladium Tests, one on Rifts Earth, the other in the Three Galaxies). Recently got Fireball...among a few other new toys.

Rifts/Three Galaxies

I am no longer allowed to cast Fireball in any bar or tavern setting, ever!

Even if it has adaquit fire safety devices...

Trixie can not make star wars references while wielding her new laser sword...

She does not get force points for using it...that's a different game...

Psionics do not count as force powers...she can not use "Force Choke" by using telekinesis...

Twilight Sparkle is not my nemesis, even if the GM keeps having her get in my way.


Trixie is not the Queen of Mercenaries, even if she would say that in character.

No matter what the party says, Twilight Sparkle is NOT Trixie's Secret Crush (No TrixieXTwilight shipping!!)

Apparently, you can mount a vibro horn on a monster pegasus robot horse, but that doesn't make it a robot alicorn and I can not name it the Wrath of Luna.

I am not allowed to hint at Trixie's preference in bedmates anymore...

I am not allowed to have Trixie hit on anything cute and female, no matter the species.

Non-Trixie related

You can not sneak past guards in a Shadowboy Power Armor, even if your Prowl skill is high enough...even though by the rules, you should be able to.

You can not combine Globe of Daylight with Fireball to make a super nova...even though that would be awesome against vampires.

No, Enrique the Mariachi (a group of flamboyant vampire hunters) is in no way Enrique the Fighter reborn.

I can not play an adorable perky little Master Vampire, ever!

The argument Evil can be Cute TOO!! doesn't help my case.

The Vampire Intelligent that created her can not have a thing for cute stuff...

Evil can like cute things does not help my case.

On a side note, I never really liked the whole Vampire Intelligence thing so I started a side game with the more traditional vampire setting. No one complained about my little vampire then when she totally kicked the asses of three vampire hunters in melee combat!
Krysia 6th Oct 2014, 7:05 PM edit delete reply
Things I am no longer allowed to do...

I am no longer allowed to inquire about the bustlines of NPC's

I am no longer allowed to rp being male.

I am no longer allowed to inquire about any body parts. At all. Ever. The DM means it

The DM's general rules

The DM does no longer condones the throwing of biscotti. Even if our character spent the time between sessions baking it and letting it go stale. Biscottii does no damage against anything other then rats.

Biscotti is not to be thrown at other players, even if they use baguettes.

Throwing a fireball three inches in front of a giant rat does not blind it. Nor does burning off its whiskers inhibit its ability to detect you.

If you get killed by a giant rat, the DM will not prevent the other players from laughing at you.

Stealing back the money that you paid to obtain a translation of the book of forbidden knowledge is not a lawful good action.

Sending the tiniest most fragile member of the party into the trap first is not a lawful good action, even if said trap is a bottomless pit and said party member is a pixie

Singing Thriller will not destroy Zombie Micheal Jackson

Skaroth 7th Oct 2014, 2:18 AM edit delete reply
[3.5] If playing as a Paladin I must have a positive Perception modifier.

[3.5] Must never multiclass into Sorcerer if i have less that 11 charisma

[GURPS] A character that can irradiate half a city block every second turn is a bad idea

[5e] Paladin/Sorcerer is asking for a beating.

[5e] 1200 foot Eldrich Blasts are just wrong

[13th Age] Bard Soup
BackSet 19th Dec 2017, 4:39 PM edit delete reply
Pips special talent is being British.