Page 528 - False Reinforcement

11th Dec 2014, 5:00 AM in Luna Eclipsed
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False Reinforcement
Average Rating: 4.83 (6 votes)
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Author Notes:

Newbiespud 11th Dec 2014, 5:00 AM edit delete
"Don't count your chickens before they hatch," is an applicable saying for this. I devoted some significant time to referencing/adapting it with this page, but I realized that no one really uses that phrase anymore. Then I got to thinking about what kinds of wise-sounding sayings could be made for tabletop games.

I pass along this thought process to you. Got any wise proverbs for the RPG crowd? I'm not looking for any huge lists of suggestions like the *shudder* Mr. Welch lists. Just quotes that are short, sweet, and timeless. Make one up and falsely attribute it to a well-known pony/D&D character if that helps.

Notice: Guest comic submissions are still open until this arc is finished! Guidelines here.



Disloyal Subject 11th Dec 2014, 5:02 AM edit delete reply
Disloyal Subject
"Never let right and wrong get in the way of a good laugh."
- Nevermore the Perverse

He was a posthumous character in My Little Castlevania, and while I get the impression he was a little too dour to say something along those lines, he's certainly evil enough.
Binary Toast 11th Dec 2014, 5:13 AM edit delete reply
"Don't turn it, BURN IT."
- Zetrein, Cleric of Kassuth. She wasn't very good at turning undead.
Disloyal Subject 11th Dec 2014, 11:59 AM edit delete reply
Disloyal Subject
I like your style. My Favored Soul of Obad-Hai had the same approach.
ThatGuest 11th Dec 2014, 5:38 AM edit delete reply
Sometimes cutting off your own hand isn't the worst idea.
-My bard after hearing the party's suggestions on freeing me from a trap.
Giggle Tail 11th Dec 2014, 5:38 AM edit delete reply
Giggle Tail
This came from a rare instance where some friends and I decided to try 4th edition (generally we prefer 3.5).

The party had just chosen the wrong path on a crossroad, and something that seemed threatening was starting to appear. Everyone was voting to run before it finished manifesting.

Now, my character was a good-aligned paladin of Avandra, and he generally took the phrase "luck favors the bold" to heart. In fact, he had quoted it multiple times already. Still, even he could agree that this was no time to be "bold," so I improvised this line:

"Luck favors the bold, but survival favors the cowardly!"

We got away safely. The DM was not happy.
Digo 11th Dec 2014, 5:53 AM edit delete reply
I'll just quote "Trixie's 12 Rules of Greatness":

* 1. A good performer borrows from an inspiring act. A great performer steals the show.
* 2. The art of acting consists in keeping ponies from coughing.
* 3. Given the proper motivation, your audience will believe anything you say.
* 4. Better to be absolutely ridiculous, than absolutely boring.
* 5. An opponent's overconfidence is your best weapon.
* 6. Treat every performance as if it were your last show.
* 7. Never delay action, for time certainly won't.
* 8. Forgiveness is easier to obtain than permission.
* 9. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
*10. A sufficiently disguised trick is indistinguishable from magic.
*11. Always prepare for an Encore.
*12. Whatever it is you are, be the best at it.
The Old One 11th Dec 2014, 11:11 AM edit delete reply
That was.......Inspiring. I have the most marvelous rogue that must make use of those rules...
PurpleProse 11th Dec 2014, 1:58 PM edit delete reply
Hope you don't mind if I steal these.
kriss1989 11th Dec 2014, 4:25 PM edit delete reply
I want that leapfrog story.
Mykin 11th Dec 2014, 5:54 PM edit delete reply
"I want that leapfrog story."

While I can imagine what happened, I want to hear that story as well...if there is a story attached to it.
NeutralDemon 11th Dec 2014, 8:26 PM edit delete reply
Mind if I steal this?
It's a pretty good "philosophy" for a future character.
Digo 12th Dec 2014, 5:51 AM edit delete reply
Everyone can steal these if they want! A round of inspiration for everyone, I'm buying! :D

As for leapfrog story, there technically isn't one that started that saying, but there are two incidents that occurred from it.

1. The first was in a fanfic I wrote featuring Trixie. She used a spell to strengthen her horn and then headbutted the roof of a train car. The pony standing on the roof got a sharp horn into his hoof.

2. In the Super Hero RPG where I played as Trixie, the team was attacked by enemy agents. Melee combat was Trixie's worst fighting skill, so she was getting kicked around like a soccer ball. One of the bigger enemies jumped on Trixie to pin her to the ground. Trixie responded not by dodging, but by stabbing with her horn.

Critical hit! The GM invoked Rule of Funny and made the location the attacker's crotch. The poor agent spent the rest of the fight curled up on the ground. XD
Mykin 12th Dec 2014, 10:57 AM edit delete reply
"Critical hit! The GM invoked Rule of Funny and made the location the attacker's crotch. The poor agent spent the rest of the fight curled up on the ground. XD

Yea I figured that was what had happened...Ow! XD
FanOfMostEverything 11th Dec 2014, 6:07 AM edit delete reply
The dice giveth, and the dice taketh away.

Sometimes, a gazebo is just a gazebo.

Never comment on a lack of traps; you may remind the DM that they exist.
Digo 11th Dec 2014, 7:30 AM edit delete reply
The last one is something I remembered my old group used to follow. I'm a creative person so anything they say tends to inspire bad ideas to be used against them. XD
Jannard 11th Dec 2014, 7:54 AM edit delete reply
Same. Unlike our usual DM, I am fond of reminding my players that rules are universal. Plus I'm better at rules and setting than I am at creating a campaign story.
Last campaign I mastered, all classes had some degree of martial maneuver progression. 't was all a huge pile of houserules, and my players liked the prospect of it... Until a lvl 1 warrior almost killed two of them with a couple well placed maneuvers. Funny thing is, they liked it even more after that.
JSchunx 12th Dec 2014, 12:05 AM edit delete reply
That last one, man. Just about the only time I incorporate traps is when someone notes their lack. That mostly stems from assembling dungeons on the fly, though.
Chrysalis 12th Dec 2014, 8:15 AM edit delete reply
I tended to make all my campaigns on the fly, and my players never even noticed, because I'd make up every turn, every encounter, every conversation and plot point, as well as every trap *to which there were many if we had a rogue in the party* right as it needed to be made. A lot of my traps weren't conventional so they were super easy to make, especially since I'd just make up the DC in my head. That pissed off our rules lawyer quite a few times when they'd bring up the traps sections of books. And that's when I'd gently remind them of the old saying "The DM is always right." Once you start playing, the books are more of a guideline anyways. ;p
Disloyal Subject 12th Dec 2014, 4:45 PM edit delete reply
Disloyal Subject
Just for giggles, I put a trap in my next dungeon that fires 37 arrows from a wall if its pressure plate is triggered. They aren't poisoned, so unless the target is unarmored or rolls poorly for Dodge, they should live.
General Buttercrust 11th Dec 2014, 6:20 AM edit delete reply
"When in doubt, set the Dwarf on fire."

Acquisitions Incorporated
Luna 11th Dec 2014, 6:29 AM edit delete reply
"All in a die's roll !"
Ted the saiyanwolf 11th Dec 2014, 6:54 AM edit delete reply
Ted the saiyanwolf
When there a laugh to be had, laugh - me
Raxon 11th Dec 2014, 7:29 AM edit delete reply
Restrain any characterwho picks up random magical items and says, "I just had an idea!"

The first time the party heard it, I put two bags of holding half way inside each other, then reached into each oneand pulled as hard as I could. The DM ruled that not only did both bags exist only inside each other after that. Also, I was now a double amputee. I bled to death all over the stuff I was supposed to be guarding.

The second time, my kender paladin needed to immobilize a defeated enemy. He pulled down the foe's pants and stuck a immovable rod up the guy's backside, then pressed tbe button. Criminal restrained, party horrified.

Then there was the time I found a ring of three wishes. I wished for a gallon jar of honey with a knife forged from a railroad spike in it, a bag of holding, and a ring of teleport other. It turns out that damsels die of suffocationong before stockholm syndrome kicks in. Since my character was evil, that suited him just fine. He sold "lifelike female mannequins" to merchants, and, frankly, this horrified the others. Even moreso after my character realized why it wouldn't work, but continued to do it anyway.

Needless to say, grabbing magical items and declaring that you have a very clever plan will get you restrained until you explain your very clever plan to the others.
Codex 11th Dec 2014, 10:35 AM Bags of Holding edit delete reply
Our GM ruled that if you put a bag of holding in another bag of holding you get a very big explosion from the interdimensional matter reacting with itself. He thought this was funny. Until we used it to defeat a dragon. In one blast.
Digo 12th Dec 2014, 5:57 AM edit delete reply
Wasn't so funny after that, eh? XD
I love turning GM rules back on them.

This is why I try to be relaxed on that. In my games, a bag of holding in another bag of holding becomes inert, trapping its contents until pulled out of the first bag.
Ponikon 12th Dec 2014, 6:57 AM edit delete reply
Our Bags of Holding borrow from Space Station 13.

Put two together, you get a rapidly expanding gravitational singularity that is very likely to hate your guts.
Boris Carlot 11th Dec 2014, 7:34 AM edit delete reply
"All's Well that Rolls Well"
hariman 11th Dec 2014, 7:34 AM edit delete reply
Don't Split the Party!


Never play an RP heavy game if you really only just want a hack and slash campaign.
Disloyal Subject 11th Dec 2014, 12:02 PM edit delete reply
Disloyal Subject
It could be argued that, in a game-poor environment, a game with an undesired RP:Hack&Slash ratio is better than no game.
Kedamono 11th Dec 2014, 7:47 AM edit delete reply
"The best way to find cursed items is to nuke the building till it glows. Anything left behind, intact and undamaged, is positively cursed."

-- Bruce Sheffer
j-eagle12212012 11th Dec 2014, 7:50 AM edit delete reply
"When in doubt ... C4" mythbusters

"For every great RPG there is always a Dunwich building no exceptions" my opinion
Toric 11th Dec 2014, 7:52 AM edit delete reply
Never wear brown shoes with a blue suit.
-Devon the Dragon, Quest for Camelot

I wonder where the venom sac is.
-Isaac, the alchemist

No, this is Patrick.
-Patrick Star
Jannard 11th Dec 2014, 8:03 AM edit delete reply
"There's only two kinds of spells: the ones that deal damage, and the ones that are actually useful".
-Marrad the Arrogant (mage), when dissing a pyromaniacal sorcerer.

"Everything has a price. If the price isn't gold, that's because there has been no individual with the initiative to work out the currency conversion"
-Varos, Grandmaster of the Church of Commerce.

"Before I die, I want to make a feint to see if I can make Death take the dwarf instead"
-Kyrios, ninja extraordinaire, when he saw the horrible result of his save.

"If you don't have the resources to beat the encounter, the next logical step is seeing if you have the resources to beat the DM"
-The guy who bought all the snacks.

"Don't damage; hurt. Don't kill; destroy"
I don't recal the source of this one.

"If it looks stupid but it works, it's not stupid"
-Common folk wisdom
Disloyal Subject 11th Dec 2014, 12:08 PM edit delete reply
Disloyal Subject
I believe that "Don't damage; hurt. Don't kill; destroy," is by Andrew 'Ender' Wiggin, from Orson Scott Card's novels.
Another from that setting:
"I'll lie to him."
"And if that doesn't work?"
"Then I'll tell the truth. We're allowed to do that, in emergencies. We can't plan for everything, you know." - Colonel Hyrum Graff
Luminous Lead 12th Dec 2014, 9:54 PM edit delete reply
"The Enemy's Gate is Down", from Ender's Game.

The question isn't "What you need to do beat your enemy?", but "What do you need to do to win?"
Destrustor 12th Dec 2014, 6:13 PM edit delete reply
That first one is funny to me, because I once had a character have the following (roughly paraphrased) exchange:
(his boss): You don't have 'dispel magic' prepared?
(my character): Of course not!
(Boss): Why not?
(me): Well duh, it doesn't explode; why would I ever prepare a spell like that?
Aperture 11th Dec 2014, 8:05 AM edit delete reply
When in doubt, bribe.

The bribe in this case was a single Oreo cookie with all the fillings from the entire package neatly stacked inside. Who could resist that kind of enticement?
Aperture 11th Dec 2014, 8:11 AM And a Little Fears NE specific one. edit delete reply
Always believe in each other!

After all, belief gets you extra dice.
JSchunx 12th Dec 2014, 12:14 AM edit delete reply
"Love makes the world go round, and has been known to provide a +2 circumstance bonus to certain skill checks."

-Vaarsuvius, Order of the Stick
Specter 11th Dec 2014, 8:17 AM edit delete reply
-Be honestly confused when trying to remember rules that (just so happens) to work in the party's favor.

-Learn about a lot of game systems to become more confused about the rules, you look more sincere that way.

-Chaotic Evil does not mean "murder-hobo", it means "I work towards my own goals, but I will adopt any method that works".

-Put your spare points into something that you normally wouldn't, it could save your life.

-You NEED someone who will risk their life for the party (Kenny Carmine).

-Remember to have fun, it's just a game.
Crazy Tom 11th Dec 2014, 10:37 AM edit delete reply
I like these. :)
Mykin 11th Dec 2014, 7:34 PM edit delete reply
"-Put your spare points into something that you normally wouldn't, it could save your life."

That reminds me of a different quote: "My mommy always used to say that cross-class learning was the key to a rich and fulfilling life."
-Elan, OotS Pg. 141

Anyway, I give this a +1.
Specter 11th Dec 2014, 10:00 PM edit delete reply
What can I say? I had profession "Janitor", and when it came up to this ridicules mess we had to clean up, the DC was INSANE!

I thankfully did it well enough that we got away without leaving evidence.
kiapet 11th Dec 2014, 8:21 AM edit delete reply
"As the size of an explosion increases, the number of social situations it is incapable of solving approaches zero."
- Vaarsuvius, Order of the Stick
Jannard 11th Dec 2014, 8:53 AM edit delete reply
OotS is so filled with timeless wisdom, it's borderline insurmountable.
Toric 11th Dec 2014, 9:50 AM edit delete reply
By contrast, from a t-shirt:
You can overcome most of life's difficulties simply by having enough quarters.
HonorableInsanity 11th Dec 2014, 1:10 PM edit delete reply
"Solve a man's problems with violence, help him for a day. Teach a man to solve his problems with violence, help him for a lifetime" has always been a favourite of mine
Anon 15th Dec 2014, 7:51 PM edit delete reply
"When in doubt, set it on fire."
- Belkar Bitterleaf, Order of the Stick
KSClaw 11th Dec 2014, 8:25 AM edit delete reply
"When in doubt, go for the nards."
Disloyal Subject 11th Dec 2014, 12:10 PM edit delete reply
Disloyal Subject
JR Klein 12th Dec 2014, 3:59 AM edit delete reply
Always worked for me. I once played a half-orc monk who was -infamous- for groin shots. They were his most effective attack!
Masterweaver 11th Dec 2014, 8:26 AM edit delete reply
Frame the NPCs.
What are these "ponies"? 11th Dec 2014, 8:41 AM edit delete reply
I have to say this has to be the best "story-time" I've read so far (although I'm only part way through comment reading. Got lost somewhere in the first 100 pages.) Lots of good one-liners and its a quick read.

Also, I have to say this. I have not watched a single My Little Pony episode and I don't really D&D yet but this comic is making me reconsider my status and forgive my sad saying with the above in mind.

"It's all puns and funs until you take a wrong turn." - Pinkie Pie

Crazy Tom 11th Dec 2014, 10:41 AM edit delete reply
Look for the one with all the Mr. Welsh's lists, you'd probably love that one.
Disloyal Subject 11th Dec 2014, 12:11 PM edit delete reply
Disloyal Subject
Which one? We've done that three times now.
grtgfbll 11th Dec 2014, 8:50 AM edit delete reply
"When Life gives you lemons, make APPLE PIE and laugh your ass off as they try to figure out how the hell you did it."

"The craziest, most off-the-wall, and/or stupidest plans are often the most likely to work."
Toric 11th Dec 2014, 9:53 AM edit delete reply
When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Give those lemons back! Demand to see life's manager! I don't want your damn lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm RAXON, the guy who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna create an arcane spell that makes combustible lemons that burns your house down!
FanOfMostEverything 11th Dec 2014, 1:37 PM edit delete reply
When life gives you lemons, try to figure out how. After all, you just got an abstract concept to give you tangible matter. Were the lemons moved from somewhere, or did they emerge ex nihilo? Can you repeat the phenomenon?

Or, more succinctly: When life gives you lemons, do science with them.
Raxon 11th Dec 2014, 11:27 PM edit delete reply
It is a little known fact that lemony pinesol is a fantastic additive for your gas tank. Just a couple pints in a full tank, and you won't have to worry about buildup or corrosion. It is an excellent cleaning agent.

Also, lemon juice makes for the finest enemas. Very healthy for you, and it will get your bowels nice and clean.
guest 12th Dec 2014, 5:24 AM edit delete reply
If life gives you Lemons freeze them solid and kill some swans" - Greylord saying
Digo 12th Dec 2014, 5:59 AM edit delete reply
"When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Orange Juice." --My Transmuter from D&D
Siccarus 12th Dec 2014, 10:40 AM edit delete reply
When life gives you lemons make hot sauce.

Then sit back and relax while the universe try's to figure out how you did it all while their tongues are burning.

Argos Master of the Forge.
Mykin 11th Dec 2014, 8:57 AM edit delete reply
"I always take the right path because it is right and I'll continue to go right until only left is left."

-Mathias Nathye, on being asked which way they should go on a forked road.

"You humans don't understand the concept of subtly all that well, do you?"
"If it's worth doing, its worth overdoing. Same with killing, really."

-Tristan Siegmund, during his exchange with his Eldar "ally" after ordering an orbital bombardment on a crashed kroot warsphere.

"Yea yea, I hate you too."

-Taiyth Akamiir, Cleric of Helm and eternal beacon of optimism (/sarcasm). Said every time the enemy focuses on him...which is more times than it should be, honestly.

And yes, I have actually said all of this in different games before, word for word. And then there was this one I came up with while shooting the breeze one time:

"If at first you don't succeed, your not using enough explosives."


Then there's one from my uncle:

"Shoot first, shoot second, shoot some more, then asks questions. If someone answers, shoot again."
Scales 11th Dec 2014, 9:01 AM edit delete reply
"Betrayal in the party is more likely come from the brash paladin than the lawful evil, devil worshipping Synthesist summoner"

Tl;dr: My paladin went smashy smash on our summoner because she felt betrayed and lashed out at the hypnotized party member, actually betraying her trust then.
yeah, THAT'S gonna be an interesting conversation.
Space Jawa 11th Dec 2014, 9:02 AM edit delete reply
"Here's a survival tip: When everyone's lining up to make sacrifices, always get to the back of the queue." - Megatron (Transformers: More Than Meets The Eye #33)
Disloyal Subject 11th Dec 2014, 12:17 PM edit delete reply
Disloyal Subject
In a similar vein, since we're quoting actual things rather than making 'em up:
An Ordnance Technician at dead run outranks everybody.
The Hittite 11th Dec 2014, 12:57 PM edit delete reply
Aw heck, let's just post the whole list.

From The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

Maxim 1: Pillage, then burn.
Maxim 2: A Sergeant in motion outranks a Lieutenant who doesn't know what's going on.
Maxim 3: An Ordnance Technician at a dead run outranks everybody.
Maxim 4: Close air support covereth a multitude of sins.
Maxim 5: Close air support and friendly fire should be easier to tell apart.
Maxim 6: If violence wasn't your last resort, you failed to resort to enough of it.
Maxim 7: If the food is good enough the grunts will stop complaining about the incoming fire.
Maxim 8: Mockery and derision have their place. Usually, it's on the far side of the airlock.
Maxim 9: Never turn your back on an enemy.
Maxim 10: Sometimes the only way out is through...through the hull.
Maxim 11: Everything is air-droppable at least once.
Maxim 12: A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head.
Maxim 13: Do unto others.
Maxim 14: "Mad Science" means never stopping to ask "what's the worst thing that could happen?"
Maxim 15: Only you can prevent friendly fire.
Maxim 16: Your name is in the mouth of others: be sure it has teeth.
Maxim 17: The longer everything goes according to plan, the bigger the impending disaster.
Maxim 18: If the officers are leading from in front, watch out for an attack from the rear.
Maxim 19: The world is richer when you turn enemies into friends, but that's not the same as you being richer.
Maxim 20: If you're not willing to shell your own position, you're not willing to win.
Maxim 21: Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Take his fish away and tell him he's lucky just to be alive, and he'll figure out how to catch another one for you to take tomorrow.
The Hittite 11th Dec 2014, 12:58 PM edit delete reply
Little too long for one post.

Maxim 22: If you can see the whites of their eyes, somebody's done something wrong.
Maxim 23: The company mess and friendly fire should be easier to tell apart.
Maxim 24: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a big gun.
Maxim 25: If the damage you do is covered by a manufacturer's warranty, you didn't do enough damage.
Maxim 27: Don't be afraid to be the first to resort to violence.
Maxim 28: If the price of collateral damage is high enough, you might be able to get paid for bringing ammunition home with you.
Maxim 29: The enemy of my enemy is my enemy's enemy. No more. No less.
Maxim 30: A little trust goes a long way. The less you use, the further you'll go.
Maxim 31: Only cheaters prosper.
Maxim 32: Anything is amphibious if you can get it back out of the water.
Maxim 33: If you're leaving tracks, you're being followed.
Maxim 34: If you're leaving scorch-marks, you need a bigger gun.
Maxim 35: That which does not kill you has made a tactical error.
Maxim 36: When the going gets tough, the tough call for close air support.
Maxim 37: There is no 'overkill.' There is only 'open fire' and 'time to reload.'
Maxim 38: Just because it's easy for you doesn't mean it can't be hard on your clients.
Maxim 39: There is a difference between spare parts and extra parts.
Maxim 40: Not all good news is enemy action.
Maxim 41: "Do you have a backup?" means "I can't fix this."
Maxim 42: "They'll never expect this." means "I want to try something stupid."
Maxim 44: If it will blow a hole in the ground, it will double as an entrenching tool.
Maxim 47: Don't expect the enemy to cooperate in the creation of your dream engagement.
Maxim 51: Let them see you sharpen the sword before you fall on it.
Disloyal Subject 11th Dec 2014, 1:59 PM edit delete reply
Disloyal Subject
"Too long" being why I linked the list...
Euric 11th Dec 2014, 9:21 AM edit delete reply
Don't You Know? You never split the party
Clerics in the back to keep those fighters hale and hearty
The wizard in the middle, where he can shed some light
And you never let that damn thief out of sight...
Blyndpwn 11th Dec 2014, 9:55 AM edit delete reply
"Play the Game: Pass the Blame."
-Paranoia golden rule.
you know that guy 11th Dec 2014, 11:30 AM edit delete reply
Stay alert. Trust no one. Keep your laser handy.
Crystalite 11th Dec 2014, 10:30 AM edit delete reply
A little trust goes a long way. The less you use, the further you'll go.
StoneCliff 11th Dec 2014, 10:42 AM edit delete reply
"Feather fall only comes into play occasionally, but you better prepare it every day."

"Although hardly used, running away is a perfectly valid reaction to many situations"

And my personal favorite:

"The paladin doesn't need to make a bluff check if he doesn't know it's a lie."
Kynrasian 11th Dec 2014, 11:14 AM edit delete reply
"Bodies: presume undead."
Glowing Friendship Eyes 11th Dec 2014, 11:20 AM edit delete reply
"When a character willingly plays outside of their role, the only possibility is that the situation is an extreme. When the barbarian recommends diplomacy, the anti-paladin is one rallying the heroes, or the evoker is the one urging restraint, either something is horribly wrong or exceedingly right."
Gindranis 11th Dec 2014, 12:24 PM edit delete reply
When in a dungeon always go left, because left is always right
Night Sage 11th Dec 2014, 1:00 PM edit delete reply
too lazy to login properly.

"Two wrongs don't make a right. Three should do the trick though." - by Konpaku, my Shadowrun character.
you know that guy 13th Dec 2014, 1:58 AM edit delete reply
Lemme guess, street sam with two swords.
The Hittite 11th Dec 2014, 1:14 PM edit delete reply
Never get on the boat!

If you stat it, they will kill it.
River Road 11th Dec 2014, 1:35 PM edit delete reply
"The only thing better than a convincing lie is an unconvincing truth."

Rubahhitam 11th Dec 2014, 2:42 PM edit delete reply
"If you meet Saemon Havarian, either kill him or RUN."
-Anyone who's ever had to deal with Saemon Havarian

For those of you unfamiliar with this NPC, he is the epitome, soul, and definitive picture of what a douchebag is.
JackobolTrades 11th Dec 2014, 2:52 PM edit delete reply
Lockpick the Orc Barbarian's words of (5) Wisdom.

On courage: "Courage is hammer. Me have hammer on outside, you need hammer on inside. Or outside. Maybe both."

On spoiled food: Cook, "I wouldn't feed this to my dogs!" Lockpick, "Well, is good thing me not a dog, then!"

On tactics: "Hit it. If that do nothing, hit it harder. If that still no work, get big (using Enlarge Person) and hit it even harder. If still nothing, get mad and hit it until it dies."

On diplomacy: "Is that a kind of hammer?"

On intimate relationships: "Did you know I had a cherry? It's gone now, the Pretty Lady popped it. I wonder where it was. Do you have a cherry, boss? I bet I could find it!"
ADemonicPresence 11th Dec 2014, 3:11 PM edit delete reply
"Subtlety is a thing for philosophy, not combat. If you're going to kill something, you might as well kill it a whole lot."
- Vulcan Raven

and i forget where i got this one but:
"give a man a fish and he knows who to come to for fish. teach a man to fish and, well, you just lost your market base."
Skorzah Dragonchild 11th Dec 2014, 4:27 PM First post edit delete reply
Ive never posted before, but I just had to put in this epic quote from the party pyromaniac. he had just eliminated an entire fortress with a week of setup and a spark spell. standing in the remains, he said "I'll be signing autographs once the smoke clears".
kriss1989 11th Dec 2014, 4:40 PM edit delete reply
Here's some from my group.

"If I knew what I was doing, I'd probably be a lot less successful." - Davith Grimm, Warlock

"If it can stop even one attack, it's a shield. It might be a shitty shield, but that shit could save your life." - Martain the Mage.

"Death is not the end. You need to keep them from resurrecting or becoming undead. Get your fireballs ready, it's desiccation time!" - Ishtari, Cleric of the Raven Queen.

"Welp, I'm converting." - Vendrick the Gunslinger, after the paladin triple 20 auto killed a full health adult dragon as the first action in the combat.
Caelus Storm 11th Dec 2014, 4:56 PM edit delete reply
If the DM says "you don't see any traps" assume there are lots of traps, and you failed your perception roll.
Solitary Performance 11th Dec 2014, 4:57 PM edit delete reply
Alignment is a tool, not a set of steel-coated stone rails you are forced to ride on. Paladins are not always the does-no-wrong heroic knight-in-shining-armor that comes to mind, even though they're lawful good. Likewise, even the most vile chaotic evil entity will work with their foes if it means they get to live.
The MunchKING 11th Dec 2014, 5:18 PM edit delete reply
The MunchKING
The MunchKING has always liked "Violence is like Duct Tape, If it's not solving all your problems, you're not using enough of it".

Although another wise saying is "it's not the first hit that matters in battle, it's the last".

Think about it.
Evilbob 11th Dec 2014, 5:49 PM edit delete reply
"An open door does not constitute an open invitation"

"They steal. We liberate."

"It's not torture! It's...Enhanced Interrogation Techniques!"
Specter 11th Dec 2014, 9:55 PM edit delete reply
The last one.

(This is the last communication our general got from us before we radioed in on a successful mission on locating the terrorist warehouse via civilians)

"No sir, we're not torturing the prisoners."

*Screams, things being destroyed, and crying heard in background*

"Then what do you call that!?"

"Uhh... Surprisingly effective persuasion? Oh hell, got to go sir, bye."

"Now hold on-"
Zreporter 11th Dec 2014, 6:05 PM edit delete reply
As a Dm I always say... what ever you can do I can also do. That helped solve some ideas.

My favorite saying. Give a player a bomb and he will just blow something up. Let a character be able to make a bomb and he will blow himself up.

Long story short they had managed to make an unstable artifact "bomb" and had used it to kill a major foe last time. I let it pass as they made another and tried to use it again against a different foe. Lots of dice rolled again only this time they rolled so high that they killed the boss and had enough damage left over to kill him again at full health... along with two party members. They tried to see if they "survived" but as I said. You killed the boss twice. I'm pretty sure your dead. In fact I'm kind of surprised that you even "have" a body left after that explosion.

From then on they handled their artifact bomb method much more carefully and didn't try it again. After all it's one thing if the GM kills you, but another if you did it to your self with your own dice to boot.
Zuche 11th Dec 2014, 6:19 PM edit delete reply
You can avoid a lot of explanation by starting the answer to any question with, "It's a funny story..."
Serialkillerwhale 11th Dec 2014, 6:49 PM edit delete reply
Justice will always prevail, it is only whose justice that is in question.
BobbyJoeLord 11th Dec 2014, 8:48 PM edit delete reply
My assassin character was once asked by another PC how she was supposed to know she could trust him. He responded with "If I wanted you dead you would be so already."

And once in a game of Rouge Trader one of my players said "No, we can't to this. Where thieves not murdered. We use self defense pretty liberally though."
Grrys 11th Dec 2014, 9:40 PM edit delete reply
Don't go down the well.
Dragonflight 11th Dec 2014, 10:29 PM edit delete reply
Don't have a lot of suggestions here. "Don't count your chicken's before they hatch," is a term *I* use on occasion. So I really can't help you there.
NefariousNephroidae 11th Dec 2014, 10:43 PM edit delete reply
"They're all the rage in Meru!"

-Exalted game, response to any criticism of fashion.
Enyalius 11th Dec 2014, 11:47 PM edit delete reply
"I never said it was a sedative, just that it would take out the guards."

- Insane Alchemist Markel Valkenholme when asked by a cleric of Sarenrae what was in the water and proving that assumptions are bad.

"If you can tell that I'm a sneaky, conniving and dishonorable rogue then I'm doing it wrong." -Me when asked why my rogue was so straight laced

"Honor and fairness are for those with privilege, Pragmatism and effectiveness are for those that need something done."

Rooker 12th Dec 2014, 12:10 AM edit delete reply
"I PUNCH it!"
- Brick from Borderlands, also any character my "warrior's way" style player makes.

"If it can bleed, I can sacrifice it to my Mother. . . Or feed it to my Coatl."
- Me as Tony Cusano, Scion of Tlazolteotl (Aztec Goddess of Cleansing and Filth)

As a Scion of the Atzlanti (Aztec Gods), Anthony was a bit murder happy. He once got pulled over by police because some idiot tried to mug him and he shot the guy in the face. He then feigned surrender and drew his Obsidian Knife Relic from his boot, cutting his leg on the way up. His Coatl (Aztec dragon, the feathered serpents) then bursts from the ground and snaps up the first cop, crushing the other cop and the engine block of the police cruiser on its way back down. Never actually made a proper sacrifice, though. Forgot to play that part. Cut out a lot of hearts though.
Dabber 12th Dec 2014, 12:13 AM edit delete reply
"Groovy" -- Ash, Evil Dead
Jaxx 12th Dec 2014, 4:15 AM edit delete reply
"Typically when people talk of a force that can get past any obstacle, they mean love. I however, have yet to use it to bypass a ward."

"I'm the group medic, of course I'm putting points in necromancy!" -Alter Ego, changeling medic in our fallout equestria rp.
Belze 12th Dec 2014, 6:53 AM edit delete reply
"Nothing is impossible unless you stop to think about it" -stolen from "The Pirates"
sigurdgram 12th Dec 2014, 7:33 AM edit delete reply
"Impossible's just a word to use so you won't feel bad when you stop trying."--Vyse Dyne, the physical embodiment of "Angst? What Angst?"
Tel 12th Dec 2014, 7:23 AM Chekov's Rifle Corollary edit delete reply
"All statues are potential threats until proven otherwise."
Sheepking 12th Dec 2014, 8:18 AM edit delete reply
"If you can't kill it with fire, you're not trying hard enough."
-Steve, my pyromaniac wizard
Sensei Le Roof 12th Dec 2014, 8:52 AM edit delete reply
"Wait, isn't he the cleric?" is a thought that should be had BEFORE said cleric manages to kill himself in a 10-foot spiked pit.
Siccarus 12th Dec 2014, 10:34 AM edit delete reply
If one crazy thing is true then all crazy things are true.

The number one thing is DON'T MAKE A RASH DECISION, unlike a real situation you have time to think over and discuss any thing you think is a brilliant Idea.
Destrustor 12th Dec 2014, 6:27 PM edit delete reply
"There is no such thing as too many explosions."
ZhonLord 13th Dec 2014, 3:08 AM edit delete reply
"If it's big, shiny, and magical, ASSUME IT'S A TRAP!"

-Soralis, Spellscale Eldritch Theurge, trying to keep the rest of his party from picking up the giant enchanted diamond that brainwashed all of us.
Ether Space 13th Dec 2014, 3:39 AM Favorite Quote edit delete reply
All of my current favorites are the ones that the Dragon Maulers Inc. come up with, NewbieSpud.
Although, that "Punch the thing that will five way to progress" line you dropped in 17.5 was GOLD.
...Followed by whoever posted, "I couldn't find any dice, so I rolled my desk!"
...I miss Paladin Torque.
Ether Space 13th Dec 2014, 3:43 AM edit delete reply
I mean give. Geez, it's late...
Srgt.Grif 1st Jan 2015, 9:41 PM edit delete reply
"The Wizard is the authority on all thing magical. If you don't have one, ask the barbarian, he probably knows." - My Wednesday group after my Half-Orc Barbarian aced the 4th or 5th arcana check in a row.
Guest 2nd Apr 2015, 12:51 PM edit delete reply
"If you don't have a inherent skill for improv, don't create a character smarter than yourself... and ESPECIALLY don't let him become the party's sole source of info in a given field of study." -Me, after quitting Call of Cthulu
Samwise 25th Feb 2019, 10:20 PM edit delete reply
I came up with the Dwarven proverb "An uncut diamond pierces no shields." It's probably not strictly accurate, but it gets the point across.
mowny 18th Sep 2020, 5:51 PM edit delete reply
"Lowering your volume?"